I need advice. Long story short, I told my husband I wanted a separation. We’ve been together for 12 years and I’m over the cycle of he changes and then goes back a few months later. I’ve told him what I wanted and needed and he never stayed committed to change. He never wanted to get therapy for himself.
Now that I said I’m done, he went to therapy. He wants to fix things. He said he was “blindsided” and I never told him it was “this bad”. I feel very done and just fed up.
I was talking to a really good friend of mine who is going through a divorce right now and she asked me “if your kids ask you when they get older if you did everything you could to make things work, would you be able to say yes?”
She also told me to think about what it will look like seeing my kids with another woman or him loving another woman. But again, I just don’t think these are things I should be worrying about right NOW if I want a divorce?? Am I wrong?
We have 2 kids, 8 and 5. And a part of me thinks, yeah. I sure did. But she thinks I should give it 6 months of being separated to see if he really changes.
I just don’t know if I have it in me. My heart wants to leave but my head is considering staying. But I also want to do what’s best for my kids. Idk what to think now
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All I’m saying is I wish my parents got divorced. It was rough seeing them go their cycles of BS and they didn’t think we noticed
It sounds like your friend is trying to guilt you into staying, which is weird.
What needs changing? It would be helpful to understand your concerns
I’ve been divorced for 12 years. My kids, who were young at the time, are teens and adults now. They have never once asked me if I did everything possible to make it work. They have, however, thanked me for building an excellent life for them by my damned self.
Your friend is giving terrible advice. Personally I’d be pretty blunt with her. “I appreciate your concern, but I’m looking for support, not advice.”
I am going through this right now OP.
Been together 20 years, two kids same age as yours. He is a good dad and co-parent but very emotionally avoidant so over the years a lot has built up.
I started unpacking with him in the last couple of years with no progress and when I turned 40 I think a flip just switched in me. Now he is saying he is blindsided and now he is willing to do therapy like he wasn’t before.
He is a nice guy and we are really good friends so people will be shocked. But he hasn’t been a great partner. And I am dreading when people find out and all the comments they will make.
It’s so hard, I understand how you feel. I know what I want but the panic and second guessing is so real. I wish I had someone to show me the future so I could be sure because right now it feels so hard to imagine
Why is it up to you to give every last bit of yourself to someone who didn’t care until it was inconvenient for him? Would she ask your husband if he did everything he could possibly do to support you and his kids? If you both said no, which of the two of you would she find more fault with. Let me guess. You can’t support your kids if all that’s left of you is ashes.
Oh I’m in the same position, went to counseling, he didn’t give a shit (in fact refused to go back because them not saying what he wanted to hear made them ‘biased’), I asked for divorce, he asked for therapy.
I asked him to tell me what guarantee I had that what happened last time wont happen this time… and the situation seems to have resolved itself lol
>I was talking to a really good friend of mine who is going through a divorce right now and she asked me “if your kids ask you when they get older if you did everything you could to make things work, would you be able to say yes?”
Would your husband be able to say yes? Because it sounds to me like you’ve already done your part of the job there…
Also, I think whether or not you’ve done “everything you could” (a category which includes a number of not exactly healthy extremes) to keep your marriage together pales in comparison to the question of whether the marriage itself is good for your children. What sort of example do you think it’s setting for them? Are they seeing daily fights? Does Mom obviously resent Dad? Is Dad pulling away from them partly to avoid Mom? What are they learning about what partnership looks like? I think that all matters way more than how long you decided to tough it out for their sake.
why is it that some partners wait until your WAY past emotionally done with them, and then they want to change. I gave my first husband a chance bc of our son. separated 3 months, we went to therapy. moved back in. good for about 4 months and then back to same old crap. he’s continued that crap with his various girlfriends and current wife. if someone is to going to therapy for THEM, not to appease a partner it may work. but that’s not the OPs, or my, situation.
fwiw: leaving was the BEST decision ever for ME..
YOU did everything, your husband didn’t. Go live your life.
Divorced 6 years now – totally worth it. My life is so happy now I never imagined that was possible. I could not see happiness from where I was in that marriage – there were other stressors outside the relationship, but I learned that I could not count on him when things were hard.
Men simply think there is a tolerable amount of permanent unhappiness that women can live with, so they don’t have to be the best version of themselves or put in effort.
It’s difficult for kids when they’re parents divorce. It’s an ACE for a reason and important to keep in mind how this will change their life going forward