It’s not insanely far, 25 minutes. To me that’s too far. Especially with 2 kids(15 and 11). We’ve been together for 3 years.
She says “it’s only 25 minutes”. But she’s not the one that’d be driving back and forth for more than work. School activities, sports, appointments etc.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to stay here until, at minimum, the oldest is driving on their own. Ideally I’m waiting until the youngest is 18 before I continue my life, if that makes sense. I don’t think that’s a selfish ask. But maybe it is.
TL;DR Girlfriend wants to move a town over. I don’t. I think it affects me being a dad.
Comments
Why does she want to move?
Has she explained her reasoning for the move? Does she need to move for work, for instance, or does she have care responsibilities of her own like aging parents? What is her motive and is it possible to find a mutually convenient solution?
As others here mentioned, discuss her and your reasons. Waiting a few years should not be so terrible, but does gf also have a similar valid reason to want to move, now?
Hopefully she shows some flexibility, as should you.
Best wishes!
This tells you a lot about how she views your kids. They are not a priority for her and she doesn’t understand the importance of you being active and present in their daily lives. Tell her you’ll be staying and hopefully the 25min commute to see each other won’t be an issue. If she cares more about 25min between the two of you and not the 25min between you and your children then you may want to rethink this relationship.
How far do you love now?
If you want to stay in the same town as your kids, that’s your prerogative. As long as you’re clear with your GF that you won’t be moving, she can decide whether staying in that town with you is a deal breaker or not.
Whatever you do, please don’t string her along or breadcrumb her with empty ‘maybes’. I left my first marriage because my ex would promise we would leave the town I hated, but make excuses not to each time leaving became a possibility. I harboured resentment for 10 years before finally realising my needs weren’t important enough to him, and left as soon as it became clear. Please don’t let her waste years waiting if you’re not fully intending to give her what she wants once your youngest is 18.
I’m not a parent, but I am the child of divorced parents.
My father lived a near hour’s drive away, and it limited how often I saw him. A good portion of that was due to his own lack of interest in me, but that’s neither here nor there. It was hard having to sit in the car for an hour each way, as was not having him easily accessible for things like my high school concerts or birthdays.
I think it’s admirable that you’re making this a priority, and I can confirm is is something your kids are going to remember years down the line.
If being almost half an hour away from your kids is not acceptable to you, then I think you need to establish this boundary with your girlfriend. Maybe there is a little selfishness with it, but I think when it comes to your kids you have the right to be a little selfish.
Just because she wants to move out of down on a whim does not require you to reconfigure your relationship with your kids.
I have two grown kids. My wife and I are still together, but I would most likely put my kids first if I were in your shoes (but I’m not in your shoes).
It would suck if you had to choose between being the dad you want to be and not being lonely.
It’s fine for you to prioritize the location that makes it easier for you to parent your kids. It’s not selfish to prioritize your kids. But just dismissing your girlfriend’s preferences and saying you don’t think it’s a problem for her to wait seven more years to move is not really helpful, either. I think you need to have some real conversations with her about everyone’s priorities and needs. I don’t think anyone wants to move “just because” — there’s a reason.
Again, putting your kids first is fine. But you do seem kind of dismissive of your girlfriend here, and it seems like there’s a lot left out. Talk to her.
It looks like your relationship is about to become long distance
You’re a good dad. Keep being a good dad.
It’s totally reasonable not to put another hour driving between you and your kids, at least for a few more years.
It’s concerning that your GF can’t grasp this.
So, 25 mins is really not that big of a deal overall. We live in the country were we both work, opposite directions, about 28 mins from work and we live about 25 mins from where he picks up his kids. The school they go too is in the middle of where BM and we live. Just to go do anything is 25 mins to an hour drive for us. We always plan things to do in bulk, so if the kids have a game, we also plan on a store run or to do it after we are out of work. It’s really simple.
So to say she’s trying to move you away from your kids is a bit of an overstatement. It’s not like she’s moving you to another state. It’s 25 mins, it’s really not that big of a drive. Your kids will likely just sleep and not even notice the drive (man I wish I could sleep like my SK’s in the car)
As a parent you’re not free to follow your heart; you have a major consideration that impacts all of your decision-making before you get to the question of what you want. You can’t date like a childless/childfree person, and now you’ve run into that reality face-first. This girlfriend isn’t the one.
If it’s only a 25 minute drive why bother moving at all? 🥴
You and your kids are a package deal. If you want to stay an involved parent, you indeed stay where you are. Your kids are dependents, your GF is an adult. The kids are also now in pretty pivotal life stages, where they are going to start asking you more and more difficult questions and support. And you should want to be there with easy access for those moments.
She can move if she wants to. If that means the relationship ends, then that’s that. She knew who she got involved with.
You answered yourself when you said you think it’s too far.
It’s 15 more minutes than now? So they don’t live within walking distance to you now so what difference does 15 min actually make?
I don’t think 25 minutes is too far, but it may be for you, and that’s perfectly valid. But if it is too far for you, then she should respect that, since you say she doesn’t have a concrete reason to want to move. Kids come first, and she should know that.