Been with my partner for over five years now (not married) and a topic of tension has always been my opinion of the MIL.
We sometimes fight about it but are working at it. I make my thoughts clear but naturally he is often defensive of it. I get it, I’d be defensive of my family too.
But….At what point do you evaluate if the relationship is worth it given that the MIL will be a part of your life forever if you were to marry?
I don’t want to cause resentment between either of us – on his side, resentment towards me for dampening his ability to spend time freely with his mom… and on my side, resentment towards how she acts and impacts my life.
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This is honestly the turning point where, if after 5 years, is your partner still valuing his mother’s feelings above yours? Is that a real partnership?
You could try couple’s counseling. Or it can be okay to say to yourself “this is not the partnership I want or deserve” and move on.
Its okay.
My advice to you, how close is he with his family? Sees them weekly? Talks daily? If so, it will unfortunately not get any better, it WILL cause resentment down the road. Now if he sees them the odd every couple months, you need to think if it’s something you can put up with or not. Do you have to go to these visits? Make other plans so you don’t need to go? ALSO think very hard, children down the road. It changes everything. MIL’s will always come out and attack. See if you can handle that.
Yes.
I’m kind of with you in the same boat. Been with someone for 3 years whose mother is a control freak and emotional abuser. Constantly playing games then acts like nothing is wrong, tries to get me to come out for coffee with her and such. I love him, but his mother is a constant form of stress. His father is a flaccid enabler. I’m currently continuing the relationship but it is hard. I think if I were younger I’d spare myself the headache.
In short order, yes! He gave her too much control, and there were always 3 people in our marriage.
Cut your losses and move forward if at all possible. On my experience people won’t change that much.
I left after 10 years, with 2 small kids, and absolutely nothing, but it was freedom!
I’ve gone very low contact with my MIL, OP. This, and possibly couples counselling MAY help.
Depends on how your SO behaves in the situation.
After a rough year where I was NC and he didn’t (which i think opened his eyes), he eventually went LC to NC, and we’ve been there ever since. Then there was picking up the pieces emotionally for a bit after that, and now we’re at a point where they don’t matter and can talk about it without getting emotionally riled up.
I will say that he never guilted me into talking with her to work things out, and called her out when she acted out with me, but he usually took her abuse for me, which is a sad thing all unto its own.
I don’t regret it, but I can say that if he had insisted on our child having a relationship with his parents who treated them badly, I would’ve walked out that day. When I asked if he wanted our child to feel the same way about his parents as he does, and does he want our child to feel less than, it shook him because he realized he was continuing a cycle.
Copied from the sidebar: It’s easier to dump a mama’s boy than to divorce a mama’s boy, and both of those are easier than trying to change a mama’s boy.~/u/pastelegg
If he’s not doing anything about it, it won’t get better. Cut your losses (I know, easier said than done).
I didn’t and now, 7 years later things are better. I just let his parent’s behavior bite them in the butt. I used to point out all the negatives, but that made him defend them more and bond with them more. So about a year or so I would grey rock them and only go to family events on major holidays. Now I only point out my observations if he brings it up and other than that I stay pretty neutral. Our relationship is better and now he’s becoming a pro at setting boundaries because it’s what he wants to do. Now that he’s setting better boundaries the relationship with my in laws are improving and I’ll go over sometimes even during non holiday events. In my situation it was really the proverbial “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink”. I don’t know if this is helpful because what might work in one situation may not work in another.
I have a slightly different perspective, I reached a point of deciding how much I’d allow DH’s dysfunctional family to disturb my peace. One wrecked holiday too many. And we had that conversation. It went well, he was not blind or overly optimistic and, he did not ever try to force a relationship with his family on me. That was my hill to die on and I know better than to fall for sunk cost fallacy.
DH was free to visit any time so long as we didn’t have a prior commitment, while I saw MIL maybe 2 – 3x/yr for about 4 hrs. We kept it cordial because DH wouldn’t hesitate to take her to the woodshed. Her impact on my life was reduced to almost nothing until his shitty sisters walked their elderly mother into a predatory situation, but that’s on them, not her.
It can work if bf chooses you, respects you, and does not force a relationship with his family.
Yes.
She was a nightmare. Pushed people to their breaking point. Ruined several of her children’s marriages.