TL/DR; I (27F) have been in love with my best friend (26F) since we were in middle school, though I didn’t realize it until college. She just broke up with an abusive partner and I want to tell her how I feel, because I genuinely think she’s the ideal woman for me—but I’m terrified of ruining our 14-year friendship.
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Back in middle school, I didn’t realize I was queer. I just knew I loved being around my bestie and wanted to be just like her. I always felt this almost obsessive pull toward her, but I chalked it up to normal best-friend stuff. It wasn’t until college, when I was able to process my identity more clearly, that I realized I’ve loved her all along.
In retrospect, the signs were even stronger in high school. I wrote my college entrance essay about how devastated I felt when we drifted apart for a time after another girl (who hated me) isolated her from me. I never fought it (I’m not one to grovel) but eventually she realized what was happening, apologized genuinely and without prompting, and we became close again.
She’s made jokes over the years like saying that if she were to sleep with a woman, it would be me, but I never knew how seriously (if at all) to take them. She now identifies as Bi, but ever since I realized my feelings and came out as gay, she’s always been in long-term relationships with men.
Just a few days ago, I found out she broke up with her abusive partner. At the beginning of this month, she moved out of state with him, far from her friends and family, and now she’s totally on her own, broken up but living in the same house with him. I live in a different state too, but it happens to be the one she’s always dreamed of moving to. A big part of me wants to reach out and be honest about how I feel. I keep imagining some sort of happy ending for her with me, and I wonder if this is finally the right time to speak up.
I can tell her I love her, and I do often, but we are best friends and I tell my friends I love them all the time. It’s not enough to just know that I love her and she loves me. She’s everything to me. She’s a strong woman with incredible sense of humor, a human ray of sunshine, deeply wise and spiritual and I can be authentic with her in a way I simply can’t with almost anyone else in my life. She’s always striving to learn and grow and be better. She’s stunning with the most heart melting smile and gorgeous eyes. She’s confident and has an infectious laugh. She’s driven and talented and a phenomenal teacher and cat mom.
I respect her so much and that’s why I’m scared. This friendship is the longest and most meaningful relationship of my life. What if telling her ruins it? What if she feels awkward or hurt or pressured?
I’ve tried imagining the situation in reverse, but I can’t stay objective; I just keep projecting my own feelings onto her hypothetical reaction. I think about her constantly, and every time she’s mistreated by someone, I remind her,“You deserve so much better” and it takes all of me not to add “—and I would treat you better.”
Should I tell her how I feel? Should I wait? Or should I just try to move on, even if that’s been useless for the last 5 years that I’ve been single?
Any thoughts or advice would be really appreciated. I’m feeling stuck and I just don’t want to lose her.
Comments
You should tell her, but not right now. If you truly love her – help her get out of that horrible situation. Living with an ex, especially an abusive one will end in 1 of 2 ways. Getting back together, or continuous abuse with or without the relationship. This is priority No. 1.
If you do choose to tell her, just be very open and honest. Expect nothing in return but hope that she will reciprocate. There is no use holding onto these feelings long term without saying anything* and suffering if it’s a weight on your heart.
I would say out of respect and love for her, wait. You see this as your chance because she’s single. But she has not even actually left her abuser yet – she’s still living with him. Right now I would guess she needs a friend, not a confession of love. Let the dust settle – it will be better for both of you. She very well may be hurt and confused right now in part because of her own circumstance.