Jane ’45/F’ and I ’44/F’ were best friends for fifteen years. We’d been through a lot. Jane had some serious struggles starting in 2019; a serious health issue (she’s fine now), depression (self diagnosed), a child with behavioral issues & infidelity (hers). I did my best to be there for her – delivering dinners, babysitting, hours of listening & talking when she needed me. I always thought that’s just what friends did for each other. Apparently Jane didn’t feel the same way.
A year or so after her health problems I had some issues of my own. Surgery, mental illness, issues with our son & cheating (my partner’s). My father was also diagnosed with terminal cancer. So kind of a lot.
Anyway, I was struggling and looked to her for comfort. It took a long time but eventually I realized she just wasn’t able to support me the way I needed her to. I recognize that sounds selfish, so let me explain.
She said more than once that she “didn’t have the option of giving in to her depression” the way I did (I took a leave of absence from work to deal with my mental health & she didn’t approve). When things at home started getting bad I asked her to just listen, literally said “I’m begging you as my friend to please just listen.” I wasn’t looking for solutions, just a sounding board. She refused. Said if I wasn’t willing to listen to her advice she didn’t see the point in listening to me. Finally she said I never had anything positive to say. That she could see how as a SAHP I might not have much to talk about but maybe I could read a book or something. That was what broke me. I was dealing with a crumbling marriage, dying father, violent seizures from our special needs child and severe depression but I was “too negative”? I saw red.
I wrote her an email which essentially said we clearly couldn’t be the kind of friend the other needed & that maybe at some point we might be again, but I thought it was best we didn’t talk any more. Then I blocked her. Well, I missed one avenue of communication and holy fcking hell did she freak out. I only read the first few lines but the gist was I was a coward for not letting her reply (fair enough, but she has a nasty temper and I was actually afraid), our friendship was a joke, I was a btch & a joke, my marriage was a joke and, well, you get the picture. After that I blocked that last way to reach me and I haven’t heard from her since.
Most of the time I’m sure I did the right thing, but I think of her often and miss her. It’s been more than a year and I don’t know if I should reach out again.
Please be kind, this is a genuine question and I need advice.
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Good grief, no, do not reach out.
Don’t know why you would reach back out to someone that called everything in your life a joke.
I know letting go of a 15-year friendship is hard, and I also understand that if significant time has passed since the blowout and you haven’t built other friendships yet to fill that void, it might be tempting to reconnect. But if writing this post didn’t remind you of all the completely valid reasons you’re not friends anymore… I don’t know what will.
Not only did you describe an incredibly selfish person who was happy to drain your energy for support and unwilling to lend any of her own, but you also described someone who jumped immediately to hateful vitriol when you voiced your frustrations and set a boundary.
You’re not gonna be able to replace the feeling of a 15-year friendship quickly, but I guarantee you will get more joy from a 6-month relationship with a kind, stable person who actually wants to be your friend than you would from reconnecting with this one.
Your marriage is a joke and yet she cheats on her spouse???
Think the trash took itself out OP and you are better off without her and her drama
So sorry you’ve had a run of bad luck and hope you are in a better place now
Do you actually miss her, or the version of her that she used to be?
Or do you miss the version of yourself that you were at earlier points in your relationship?
You literally said that your last interaction with her, you preemptively blocked her because you were afraid of her temper. People whom I’m afraid of are not people whom I’m looking to bring back into my life.
It’s also okay to miss someone while understanding that it’s better for you not to have them in your life anymore.
It doesn’t sound like she was capable of being the friend you needed when you cut contact and if I were in your shoes, I’d just leave at that.
Now, if I ran into her and she initiated a conversation, an apology, and wanted to try and rebuild things, I’d be open to that.
But I don’t believe in giving people who previously abused me the opportunity to abuse me again. Not unless I already know they’ve changed and you don’t know that.