I’m engaged and living with my partner. My father passed when I was very young, and while I had a stepdad for some time, he hasn’t been in my life in nearly a decade.
My mother and I have always had a strained relationship. She has a long history of instability, a small criminal past, and strong traits of narcissism and bipolar disorder. We even tried counseling together, but the therapists despite privately acknowledging her issues still ended up validating her side in sessions. It left me feeling invalidated, unsafe, and more confused.
Now we’re planning our wedding, and really evaluating who we want in our lives and more importantly, who we feel safe having around. My mom has shown very little interest in our wedding except when it’s something she can center herself in like obsessively talking about going dress shopping and offering to pay for the dress entirely, which we believe she’d weaponize later.
The breaking point for us recently was that we received a piece of spam mail from an insurance company at our home, but in her name. She has never lived here, and we’ve been in this home for years. When we called her to ask about it, she gaslit us and claimed she didn’t even know our address which is a blatant lie. Given her criminal background, this raised red flags for us. We’re worried it could be an early sign of fraud, or that she’s using our address for something shady.
On top of that, she repeatedly violates boundaries online. Every time I block her on social media, usually because she screenshots my private posts and shares them publicly without permission, she just creates new burner accounts to follow me again. It’s invasive and creepy. This makes me very hesitant to include her in anything wedding-related like dress shopping, since I’m genuinely afraid she’d leak photos or details just to get attention.
We’ve started thinking long-term too — like what if we have kids someday? Her behavior isn’t just manipulative; it feels unpredictable and unsafe. We’re scared she might violate their privacy too or try to insert herself in ways that compromise our parenting boundaries or their well-being.
We’re seriously considering going no-contact for good, but the guilt and stress of making that call are heavy. If you’ve been through this, how did you do it — especially when it wasn’t just emotional harm, but also about protecting your safety and your future?
I also feel like I am being dramatic because it’s tiny things that add up over time and it doesn’t ever feel like one thing is makes it justified.
Any advice, experience, or even reassurance would be hugely appreciated.
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First of all, you are not overreacting. Given the fact pattern, I would say you are actually underreacting.
Second, please pull your credit reports and lock your credit.
Finally, yeah, at a minimum, I would recommend not involving her in planning and not letting her pay for anything.
FWIW, I ended up eloping because my mom is crazy and would have tried to make the wedding all about her. It was lovely.
Lock your credit.
Speaking from experience they only get worse after kids. Maybe have a sit down conversation and say you are giving her one more chance if she posts anything, does anything again that you have asked her not to you will go no contact with her. I would let her come dress shopping as the test. But don’t let her have her phone and don’t let her pay for it.
Write a list of everything she’s done and ask yourself if you’d tolerate this behavior from a complete stranger. Your gut reaction will obviously be that you wouldn’t, and that you’d remove that person from your life after just one or two of the things on the list. Then ask yourself why you aren’t holding your mother to a higher standard. If someone you don’t know and would probably never need again wouldn’t be allowed to do these things, then why would someone who’s supposed to love and care for you? Cut her out before she has a chance to ruin the wedding.
I don’t think you’re dramatic. Your relationship is NOT normal. All these “tiny” things you described paint an overall picture of someone who is obsessed with control and will utilize any means to keep it. When you enact consequences, she finds ways around them. So to me, I think that while these things may technically be small (and honestly, creating burner accounts for the purpose of being able to publicly share your daughter’s social media sounds like stalking, not something small) it’s an indication that when something big comes up, she’ll use big ways to maintain control over you.
With people like this, it’s really common for them to escalate if they know you’re taking action to break control. I think you should consider working with a counselor who has experience with personality disorders and domestic violence. You might also benefit from a NAMI “family support group” and contacting family shelters to discuss how other people have broken free.
Here’s the important piece though: Do NOT make a big statement about ending contact unless an attorney is involved. People like your mom tend to first escalate through cycles to bring you back, then if it doesn’t work, they go through an “extinction burst.” I think you’re better off pulling back in pieces so she isn’t aware of what you’re doing.
I know you’ll probably read my comment and think I’m the dramatic one, but I had alarm bells going off while reading your post. The average toxic person doesn’t create burner accounts, they throw temper tantrums and guilt trips about being blocked. Or they promise to do better, behave for awhile, and then go back to the bad behaviors. Your mom is unsafe, she’s calculating and that makes her different.
Boundaries aren’t drama, they’re essential for your mental health.
In addition to locking your credit, protect all your banking & other financial information so she can’t attempt to impersonate you & change your account details to gain access.
As for going NC, it’s not something you have to do suddenly. Over the past years, I’ve removed access & opportunity from the difficult person in my life, though it’s complicated and there is guilt. But she can’t talk to me for 5 minutes without saying something offensive on its face or putting me down.
All those ”tiny” things you mention are things I could write chapters about on this sub cuz she’s a mom/mil, but not my mom/mil, though she’s been in my life for 48 yrs. She still tries to talk at me like I’m 12, she tries to be mom to DH, and I read here to deal with DH’s family & this person.
You can and should remove her access & opportunity; you can do it over time by being less & less available. Don’t initiate anything. Don’t volunteer to plan anything or get together. Be chronically busy. Focus on your other relationships. When she emotionally black mails you, see that for what is and don’t react except to protect yourself from it. Above all, give yourself permission to not justify your decision. You are not obligated to tolerate toxic behaviors from toxic people.
Slightly different perspective on the mail: if she can get her hands on mail with her name on it delivered to your address, she can use it to establish residency. From there, she could claim your address as her residence, up to and including attempting to move in and forcing you to evict her. So I would either write return to sender-not at this address in big letters and drop it in a blue mailbox, or I would shred it outright and deny ever getting it.
Write return to sender on any mail addressed to her at your house.
You’ve tried everything. She won’t change. Your peace is worth the guilt.
Call the credit companies and have them lock your credit and look for fraud. Cut her off. You’ve tried enough. It’s your turn to have peace.
You don’t have to call it a cut off, you can call it an indefinite time out.
Every so often, ask yourself – do I want to see my mom? Would I want her involved in this situation?
Frankly, every relative I’ve cut off has pretty much been an immediate relief. You may not realize the space she’s taking up in your brain until you pull the thorn out and heal, so to speak.
gently, you’re under-reacting. i did think she was violent based on the title, but even without violence this woman has been neglectful and horribly abusive to you.
when people grow up with this kind of unstable parent, they learn that there’s always disastrous consequences to standing up for themselves. over time, they start to plan for those disasters as a fact of life instead of seeing them as a pile of reasons why the relationship is harmful and needs to end. you grew up with no escape, but that isn’t the case anymore!
your mother will probably find ways to be harmful to you in the future, and that sucks. however, she’s going to do that whether she’s involved in your life or not. imo that means your goal should be closing off your vulnerabilities, for instance making your social media private and making sure she’s not messing with your credit etc. she can’t attack/disrupt things she doesn’t have access to and that will become even more effective with time.
your mother hurts you, and people who hurt you should not attend your wedding. it’s that simple. i would also suggest asking a few men to be on momzilla patrol if she tries to crash it – they can escort her out and inform her that she’s trespassing.
Go NC. You are okay. You are not a bad person for cutting a toxic person out of your life. You must prune poisonous, rotting branches off of a tree for the rest to survive and thrive. You are doing this to live. And if she ever proves to have changed for the better, maybe you’ll have the grace and healing to let her back in. But now is not that time.
You are right in that you need to protect your future children. And your future spouse. As a spouse of someone who cannot say a single bad thing to their toxic mother, it is EXHAUSTING and sometimes painful. Don’t do this to your new family when you have the chance to stop it. Your children will not be sad as long as they have your love.
Congrats on getting married!
Yes cut her off and check both of your credit reports and if you own your home check that she didn’t get anything to steal the home from under you and pull another mortgage. You are right to assume she is being devious and definitely should cut all contact.
You don’t have to make a phone call. You can just block her on every platform and never contact her again.
Or you send her a farewell text explaining that you don’t feel comfortable having her in your life because of her past actions. Then block her immediately.
You can ask ChatGPT to write the message for you, if you feel too overwhelmed to think of the right words.