Hi THT friends. I need some input about this. For context, I’m very bad at handling grief. I have not personally had to endure much grief in my 25 years. When someone I know loses a someone, I find it really difficult to help them because I fear bringing it up will make it worse. I think this because it’s how I am. If I were grieving and someone walked up to me and asked me about so and so, I’d probably start crying. If it was a text I’m not sure, as I really haven’t had to experience that. So my intentions have always been to try and let the person forget about it and not bring it up.
About a year ago one of my best friends had to put her cat down. The cat was about 18 and she grew up with this cat. It was something that was sort of expected for a few months as the cat was declining and they considered euthanasia several times before actually doing it. I don’t remember exactly what happened the day she put the cat down and I’d like to believe I had texted her that day saying I was there for her, but I don’t remember specifics. (I checked and my messages don’t go back quite that far). My friendship with her ended up taking a huge hit because she felt unsupported by me during her grief, and I don’t disagree with that. I had texted her a couple of times checking in, I told her to let me know what she needed (and looking back, this was a terrible attempt at support because she is the type to not often ask for help), we’d hung out with another friend once a couple weeks afterward; a couple weeks after the cat was put down another friend texted in a group chat their 1 year old cat died unexpectedly. I responded in the group saying something all the lines of let me know if you want to just sit in silence together. This prompted my other friend to text me saying “you never offered to do that with me when my cat died” and I reflected and realized that she was right I didn’t. I owned up to that and apologized and told her I may have reacted differently because the other cat’s death was so unexpected? And that I assumed she knew the door was open for anything she needed (again, I know the assumption was not a good call). Anyway she asked for some space because she was upset with me and that’s fine.
Now to the present. For the past couple of months my family dog started declining more. About 2-3 weeks ago I texted my friend reiterating my apology and regret for not being a more present friend when she had to put her cat down and I asked her more explicitly what I should do for her when she experiences grief (I suspect I have undiagnosed autism and I need to be told thing explicitly with clear step by step instructions/details.). And considering I just assumed she would grieve the same way as I would and tried to give her space, I wanted to be sure I know what to do for her in the future. I realize this is coming during a time where I was likely to experience grief soon, and that’s probably not fair for me to bring that up now only because now I’m being affected by grief, but in the moment still thought she would appreciate that. She did not. She essentially said she’s sorry that she doesn’t feel she can bring herself to support me when we have to put our dog down because I wasn’t there for her. Even though that was really sad to hear I told her I understand and don’t expect her to be there for me. It sucks but I get it and I would likely feel the same if the roles were reversed.
Anyway, we had to put our dog down last night and it was terrible and heartbreaking. I texted in my group chat with her and one other friend just saying FYI she’s going to sleep today. My friend did not say a single thing and also didn’t comment on my Facebook/instagram post and I’m really upset about it. I’m not expecting her to check in and ask how I’m doing or offer to just sit with me, but I did expect one message saying I’m sorry for your loss or whatever. And I want to acknowledge that I am aware of my shortcomings in our friendship, specifically surrounding the death of her cat. I am aware I did things wrong and could’ve been better. I’m not asking to be told that I’m asking if I deserve to be mad considering the circumstances. I can already feel myself becoming one of those stories on Reddit where the asshole is upset because they were treated exactly the way they treated/hurt someone else. You can tell me that but please don’t be harsh. I’m still human and I am grieving. I’m open to suggestions for how to be a better/more present friend. I just 😢