Throughout childhood, I didn’t have many relatives and it really bothered/upset me as a kid. I always told myself it’d all be okay because when I got older I could get married and have kids, my family would then grow, and my kids would have good relationships with their relatives.
I (24F) now have a serious boyfriend (24M) who I love very much. We’ve been dating for 2 years now. He’s supportive and a good boyfriend. But, he seems to have an issue with the value I place in family.
He doesn’t think I should see my family more than once a month. He says I prioritize them over him because I want to live within 1/1.5 hours of them (but am willing to live in a nearby city which is 2.5/3 hours away), and because I want to see them frequently. (My ideal would be seeing them maybe on a weekly or bi-weekly basis for a couple hours at a time.)
My boyfriend likes the idea of moving to another part of the country. He says that if he someday has a job he likes that requires him to move, it’s not fair that I wouldn’t be willing to go, but to me that sounds like his wants (a theoretical, specific job) are more important than my wants (proximity to family) and expects me to comply – and if I don’t, it automatically means I prioritize my family above him. But, wouldn’t he be prioritizing a job above me in that situation (and how is that any better)? I purposefully went to college for something that I could do in any area so I didn’t have to live somewhere specific/move for work. I like the area I’m in.
I don’t want to move far away from family because I want them to be a regular part of my life and I think it’s much easier to be close when you live near each other. And, I currently am close with my family. I text my mom daily, call my mom/dad at the same time maybe once a week, and see them + my brother at the same time every other week or so.
The idea of only spending a couple hours per month with my family (his expectation) feels really sad to me – that’s only 24 hours a year. Just because they’re important to me doesn’t mean he’s not. I feel like I spend 95% of my free time with him and 5% with family, so I don’t understand why he thinks he’s not my biggest priority.
He says I can do what I want and he’s not going to control me, but I don’t want him acting annoyed with me if I go see them/talk about them, and I also don’t want him to not feel valued/like my first priority.
Note: I don’t think he dislikes my family. He claims that he likes them, and there’s nothing that I know of that bothers him about them.
TL;DR: Why does it feel like my bf thinks I’m a villain who prioritizes my family over him just because I want to see them fairly regularly and be close with them? Does that mean I place them above him (I don’t feel like it does)? I’m frustrated that he seems to be acting like seeing them often (such as a couple times a month) is such a weird concept. I don’t know what to do – I don’t want to “lose” my family. Am I overreacting or misunderstanding adult relationships?
Comments
Your core value of the importance of family isn’t aligned with his core values. While he might be silent, this is always going to be a friction spot/ potential for friction. I would have some very deep, real, honest talks. Now is the time to say everything. You might come up with a compromise or you might realize you’re not compatible; either outcome is a step toward the future you really want. Good luck.
I don’t think either of you has unreasonable expectations, I think you’re just incompatible.
I’m more like your boyfriend. I’m not close with my family and I’m completely uninterested in being closely involved in the lives of my partner’s family. I’ll do Christmases and birthdays, but I’m not interested in attending your game night every week or what have you. I learned from experience that relationships like that don’t work for me. It sounds like this relationship isn’t really working for you and your boyfriend, either.
I’m more in line with your bfs thinking. I moved away from my family and couldn’t be happier. Next to no contact is amazing as well.
This is just a capability issue. Some people value family and some just don’t
You need to figure out if there is a compromise or if this is break up worthy
Plenty of people enjoy being close with their families. Me personally, I wish I lived next door to my parents and saw them every day. If your boyfriend is a lone wolf, that’s fine for him, but it doesn’t have to be fine for you. Especially if you’re thinking about raising a family together, you want to have similar values about family. Not only do you two not share similar values, he is disdainful towards you about it. And he’s competitive with your family, in ways that strike you as strange. Those are two red flags.
I’m sure that you like him and he has a lot of good qualities, but you know what you want for your life, and there’s no reason you shouldn’t have it. You just need someone who respects that (at least) and (hopefully) wants similar things.