This is a throw away. I need help please. For context I have three children, 12f, 7m, 15f. Two years ago my little boy told us that he touched his sisters (the 12 f) bathing suit parts” and we were shocked as the child he accused has never been a problem at all. In fact, she’s the most well behaved kid I have. We spoke to her and she freaked out crying saying it wasn’t true and he eventually said he made it up. We talked about honesty and touching and all that stuff. We moved on. Lately 12f has been having severe anxiety and panic attacks and confessed to me only last night that what he said was true 2 years ago. She was dry heaving, shaking and could barely speak. She explained that he sat on her lap innocently to play an iPad game and he put his hands behind his back and ultimately touched between her legs while sitting that way. She said she knew it was wrong but let him do it. She said it happened maybe two more times afterwards and she stopped. She said she’s felt sick and ashamed and guilty since then. She swore me to secrecy as she’s so ashamed. My oldest, who has very difficult behavior overheard as she was listening at the door. She raced to tell my husband. We had company staying over so when he asked I said that was not what we talked about and brushed it off as she was lying. Husband is now angry that older daughter would say such a thing. I am sick over this and can’t think straight. Do I break daughter’s confidence and tell him or keep her secret and let the other two look like liars? I’m so confused and twisted from this information I can’t think straight.
Do I keep a secret to protect one child or do I tell the secret to absolve the other two? Help please
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First step is telling your husband the truth. He has a right and a responsibility to know what’s going on.
Then I think separate conversations are needed with the kids as well.
15f needs to understand that eavesdropping is wrong and needs to understand there will be dire consequences for telling anyone else what she heard.
7m needs to be taught about appropriate and inappropriate touching.
12f also sounds like she needs some discussions about appropriate and inappropriate touching and it also sounds like she might need some counseling about the situation.
“She’s the most well behaved kid” Why would she be in trouble for your son doing this? I’d recommend your two younger kids have therapy – daughter to process what happened, and son to find out why he did that (i assume general curiosity, as he is about that age, but its better to be cautious and confirm it)
I wish you wouldn’t have gaslit the 15 yo, or at least there was an option to say “not now” vs “she’s a liar”. Just making the mess bigger. Yes, she gossiped but still.
TBH, whatever happened between the 7m and 12f when they were 5m and 10f doesn’t sound awful but they’re clearly very mixed up over it. The younger child with less power put his hands on her between her legs / touched her genitals on top of her clothes maybe 3 times? And she’s in excruciating guilt that she let it happen?
Please just get these kids to a therapist. Please just tell the truth to everyone and model that secrets don’t help and sometimes kids just make weird mistakes but they’re not “bad people”. The response is almost worse than the original offense. These kids are paralyzed by guilt over what is mostly stupid naive kid shit.
If it comes out that the 7m is touching others bc he himself was touched, then it would get more complicated.
You need to talk to your husband when you are alone and explain why you accused your oldest of lying. She should be respectful of other’s privacy. It’s not fair to gaslight her. This was a private conversation that she should not have broadcast to everyone especially considering her sister was very upset. You might need to talk to all your kids and make sure they understand boundaries. You aren’t breaking a promise you are making sure your kids all understand appropriate and inappropriate touching. Also her sister can’t be labeled as a liar. In the future it might be best to have conversations with individual children when you have privacy. You can apologize for saying she lied or suggesting it but she needs to stop eavesdropping. I don’t think keeping things secret is a good idea. Especially not from your husband.
So your reactionary plan is to lie to your husband and lie to your 7 year old? To cover up and ignore?
You still have time to recover but you’re speedrunning your way down towards divorce and estrangement.
You need to be an adult first, and a parent. Keeping your children’s difficult experience from the other parent is not a wise idea, unless you think he’ll behave irresponsibly trying to punish someone in his anger.
Take a breath. Remind yourself that you are an adult. Remind yourself that you have a partner to help you exactly in this parenting experiences.
Do not let your daughter’s panic influence you with fear or shame or guilt. She has had a bad experience and she needs a stable, clearheaded adult to help her make sense of what happened without feeling like she has damaged anything by being truthful and asking for help.
Take a step back and list things that you DO know for sure. What are the facts? A 5 year old kid touched a 10 year old kid inappropriately. It happened a few times, then stopped. Your daughter kept it a secret. Now as she is growing up and having a teenage hormone feelings she feels like this is something that needs addressing and resolving, because the lie and also the SECRET was something that was too much for her to handle. Your son as a kid told you the truth, nothing happened, and he was 5 at time? And now the oldest daughter heard everything and everyone in the family knows.
This is not something that you can keep secret – secrets can become traumatic burdens if a kid has nobody to share them. It is to late to pack it back in the bag, and honestly, there is not even one reason to keep this a secret.
You need to center yourself – this is a crisis but not something unheard of, definitely nothing to be shamed of, nothing to feel guilty for.
First, you have to get some knowledge about children’s development. Touching private parts for a 5-10 year old is a natural phase of a human development. All children do it, with everyone and themselves, either publicly or in private. It is not erotic and has nothing to do with sex, as they are not year sexually mature. This is a part of human exploration – i am curious what my body looks like and what it feels like, like is the inside of my nose and vagina similar? That’s normal, I cannnot stress that enough. The curiosity also leads to asking kids to play doctor and to touch each other. They do know that this is something “wrong” because there is enough cultural context but they don’t understand it, so if they don’t have books and conversations about bodies, they will try to satisfy their curiosity in other ways, sometimes crossing boundaries they are not aware of.
He did nothing wrong – he was a kid with a natural, human curiosity. He needs to learn from you and from smart sources about consent, body, sexuality, sex, porn etc. in an appropriate way to his age. And it has to keep happening.
Second, your daugher felt like she had to keep it a secret. This means that you have a lot of work to do to dismantle the shame around sexuality. It is a difficult task, but it seems that at 12 she knew that being touched by someone else was something shameful and to be hidden. It is your task as parents to make sure that she knows that she can talk to you about anything. It will only get more serious. She needs to learn from you that she is safe – what you’re going to do about it in your family, and how you will make sure she is equipped with knowledge about her own body and ability to express consent or lack of it. She might need to have a therapist to talk about it – to have someone help her express anything she felt isn’t welcome in your house.
What I want to emphasise here is that the traumatic part wasn’t the fact that he touched her. That was crossing a boundary by a kid, if the communication was open, after the first time there would have been a tough conversation and setting new boundaries and rules and sexual education appropriate for kids on their levels. What was traumatic was having a secret that was so difficult, so heavy, so guilt inducing, that she kept it for two years. That is what hurts the most – the inability to DEAL with the situation. It stayed in her because she couldn’t say that out loud. It is GOOD that she said it out loud. Now she can talk, and express the emotions she had then (anger, confusion, fear?), and live through that.
Third, this is something to tackle as a family. You as parents need to learn more about children sexuality in order to help them grow up. You might have your own shame and boundaries and traditions, so there is some work for you both – how to support your kids in an area that stressed you out?
No, do not keep this as a secret. What responder monocerosik explained is exactly what you’re dealing with here. Your kids are not deviants or damaged beyond repair. This is an interaction that can happen between younger kids. Your 10yr old might have noticed the touching felt good, so didn’t stop it. That’s a normal reaction for a kid that age. None of your kids did anything wrong. Your older teen picked up on the tension and wanted to understand what was so bad. Teens are extremely perceptive to others, but their young brains don’t always know how to interpret what others are experiencing.
Take a breath and know it’s going to be okay. A counselor or therapist can help any member of the family process this if they’re having difficulty.
I worked with children and teens in mental health.
I’m confused about who did what.
Omg. Why would you not tell the truth to your husband?
From one more “drop in the ocean”:
What happened between 5m and 10f is a non-issue. Little guy initiated it, sister let him. Typical childhood curiosity, no “bad guys”, no sexual abuse. I hope you told them it’s inappropriate behavior in the same voice you’d tell them it’s inappropriate to stick their tongue out at Aunt Emma. Sexual abuse among siblings does occur but is a different dynamic than what you’ve described here.
My heart goes out to your 12f. I’m not understanding why she’s carried such a level of guilt and shame for so long?! Guilt, shame, and obviously fear. It sounds like somebody made a huge deal out of it and blew it into the stratosphere. I hope telling you has helped her.
How will your husband respond? Hopefully he will be wise and won’t be compelled to address it. Unless he wants to give her a hug and tell her she didn’t make history at 10 years old and she’s a good girl and he loves her. In any case, if you decide to tell him, talk to your 12f first and explain why. You did goof in making busy body 15f out to be the bad guy so need to fix that.
Your 15yo is the real problem. She absolutely should know better than to eavesdrop, blab other people’s stuff, especially in front of others. She’s immature and mean, and cannot be trusted with this information that she had no right to know in the first place. The other two need protecting from her.
I think you should take a deep breath and remind yourself that they were little and it’s normal. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. Everyone needs a lesson in boundaries and telling the truth but no reason to flip out and make it a huge deal. It happened a couple times when they were little and it hasn’t happened since. It is really common and they aren’t little perverts they’re just kids! It’s a great time to have conversations about what’s appropriate, make sure they know they are safe to tell you if anything happens like this again to them and then move on with your day.
You need to inform your husband and you need to get your kid a therapist. Probably get yourself a therapist to ask for advice about how to handle this in an age appropriate manner – because you’re going to need to tell your daughter that you cannot keep her secret in a way she will understand. And she might be pissed.
This is not a secret keeping moment.
Have an honest conversation with your husband in a quiet place with no kids around
You need to tell your husband