So a couple months ago, my GF and I started talking about experimenting sexually. One idea was trying a threesome/foursome, including exploring same-gender stuff. We set boundaries and agreed to keep communication open.
Fast forward: she brings in her friend T (M 38, firefighter, musician type). I was hesitant but agreed to meet and eventually participate. From the start, I had some big worries:
- Feeling like the third wheel.
- Her reacting more intensely with him than me.
- Her forming a bond with him outside of us.
Sadly, all of these happened. In the threesomes, she was way more focused on him, reacted way harder to him sexually, and I often felt ignored or humiliated. At times she’d literally forget about me until reminded. He came inside her (without us ever agreeing on that), and she kept saying it was the most exciting thing she’s ever done. Meanwhile, I felt broken and empty.
What made it worse: I later found out she was flirting with him privately, even though we agreed flirting should stay in the group chat. The final blow was a message she sent him: “if only I was single, I’d know what I’d do.” Seeing that crushed me.
Now I feel like an empty shell. She says she loves me, that it “meant nothing,” and promises not to do it again. But honestly, my trust is gone and I can’t stop replaying the humiliation in my head.
I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to salvage the 5 years we’ve been together. Part of me thinks I’ll never recover from this. Anyone else gone through something similar? How did you know whether to stay or walk away?
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Relationship is over man, I’m sorry. She was using this as a reason to cheat on you without feeling guilty about it.
You should have communicated a lot more about boundaries, this is a tough lesson. If she is enthusiastic about bringing in a woman for you to enjoy, I’d stay with it, try to aim to discuss everything more thoroughly, and be honest about how you feel. If she does not want to bring in another woman for you, or if you cannot let this go, I wouldn’t stick around.
Your relationship is already over. You know what you need to do bro.
I’m sorry
I think you know what you should do…. She doesn’t respect you, and doesn’t respect your boundaries she just wanted a pass to cheat on you with you agreeing
Good thing she’s your GF and not wife
Terrible fucking idea
It sounds like she used this threesome as a pretense to have sex with this guy.
I’m sorry man, dump her and move on.
Walk away, you can’t undo this.
However for future reference: never have threesomes with friends and people you know irl. If you are in a relationship- it’s a one night stand threesome. Otherwise… well you see.
Another relationship bites the dust by experimenting with 3somes and the results backfire.
We see an endless sea of relationships on here that fall apart after a 3some. A reason why I preach the risk isn’t worth it.
Its probably doomed here dude. Just how a lot of these situations play out… Sorry.
When we learn. If you’re going to have a threesome, it has to be with somebody neither of you know. If that’s not the case, don’t do it. Somebody ALWAYS gets hurt. You think she wants him more than you? You need to have a real talk with her.
Sorry bud, she got what she wanted. Guilt free chance to sleep with him.
You can try and salvage what you can, but based on all the evidence you’ve provided, she already seems to be one foot out the door.
Move on, take some time to recover and find peace as this could be a long thing to bounce back from.
Sorry to hear my guy. I had a relationship end after a 3some before and it didn’t feel great. Take some time to yourself to figure out life and re-discover who you are. Do the things you wanted to do but couldn’t with a partner like travel or starting a new hobby. It isn’t about you, it speaks a lot to your ex’s character.
Honestly, opening a relationship, especially a monogamous from the start one, or threesomes seem great in fantasy. The reality is much worse. Especially, as in your case you agreeing to it wasn’t a resounding yes. You still had reservations. So now, as you have experienced, there is jealousy and resentment. Often relationships don’t bounce back. You’ve said you’ve lost trust, due to her breaking your agreed upon and set rules. Other than telling you she loves you and won’t do it again, what is she doing to rebuild trust? What was her explanation for breaking the rules and continuing communication behind your back?
If you don’t believe you can work past this and move on, unfortunately, I don’t believe your relationship will survive.
ETA: you’ve now learned threesomes and opening are a slippery slope. Could be her excuse of, “well we did it together, I didn’t think it was a big deal to continue.” Which she KNOWS is a lie, total disrespect of your relationship, and disregarding of your feelings and already discussed concerns.
The fact she texted him that is grounds to breakup. I would be done
You are absolutely cooked. She is going to continue fucking this guy whether you like it or not. Take your dignity and run.
Please do yourself a favour and break up with her. I really hope that this firefighter will have the self-respect to not accept her after you dump her.
She wasn’t experimenting. She just took the chance to have an affair without actually cheating as you gave her permission for this. She is into him (unfortunately for BOTH of you).
Your girlfriend’s goal from the beginning was to be with T. She was either going to cheat on you or she made it legal with a threesome proposal. You’re still wondering if you can save the relationship.
Your ex girlfriend
So you both started talking but who brought it up first? Considering it was a guy she brought it in, im thinking it was her. If she had been flirting and so in to him im wondering if this was her way of having her cake and eating it in front of you…some ppl will do anything to cheat snd make it seem like its all good! Time to move on cause i doubt it will be the last time they get together
The only reason she is still “with” you is because he’d didn’t snatch her up when she sent him that message, which is what she was hoping he’d do in response. She was, point blank, telling him she was his for the taking and his response was, “thanks, but I’m good.”
Give her the two for one and have it so that both of you reject her and send her on her way.
I am sorry. I don’t have any idea how you can resolve all of these feelings. Personally, I don’t think I could get past it and would rather move on to someone else instead living with those images and feelings in my head.
Ouch. That was a tough one to read and I’m so sorry you’ve been through this. I think every person will handle this differently, but based on what you’ve described, it doesn’t sound like this relationship is heading anywhere good. I can’t imagine you’ll be able to get those images out of your mind. Also, she crossed a few lines after the fact and certain things happened during the encounter that you weren’t okay with. I guess the question is, can you live forever with someone who made you feel humiliated like that? Are she and T still in contact? Think about what you need for yourself right now to recover from all of that and if you think moving on includes your girlfriend or if you might just be happier trying to meet someone who wouldn’t do that to you.
She cheated in your face. Threesome was the excuse she used to get with the other guy. She’s shallow, and you should not waste any more time on her.
Bro …
Terrible dogshit idea, but if you’re gonna do that thing you need to be crystal clear. He finished in your gf of 5 years in front of you??? Helll no
You can be the bigger man explain your feelings and break up with her and find someone who doesn’t need other person to make the sex seem exciting or be petty bring another woman and make your gf feel what you feel then dump her
It’s over. 😂 you set yourself up for that one. Mainly you were hesitant at first and probably thought it was gonna be a girl the first time 🤣
Lol bro this is not how its done if she already has someone in mind she just wanted your permission to have sex with him without cheating on you 😂😭. Sorry this happened bro but you learn from your mistakes!
Leave before she gets pregnant and you don’t know whose it is.
There’s no going back from this
It always leaves a broken heart!
Don’t fall for the ” it means nothing ” card. Let her go and never take her back.
who lets some other guy fuck their gf… in front of them too… yeesh
Why do people always go for a threesome with a friend to spice things up??? All the roleplaying ideas, kinks and toys in the world and people keep choosing to bring in other people 🙄 your relationship is over and she made it 100% clear that you aren’t the one she currently desires. She didn’t want a threesome, she wanted to fuck her friend without the guilt of cheating.
I would have expected her to respond to him more strongly in bed because he is new and novel. It seems to be unexpected for a lot of men, that their women get more passionate and orgasm harder with a new, hot partner. That’s how this works. But this is supposed to be for the two of you, a team sport. She shouldn’t ignore you or communicate with him behind your back. Only you can decide if there is enough trust left to continue the relationship. You might look at her comment it’s the most exciting thing she’s done because she felt safe to experiment having you there.
That sinking feeling in your chest is your intuition screaming that the trust has been obliterated by a series of choices she made prioritizing T during intimacy, crossing physical and emotional boundaries, and then sealing it with a private message that revealed her true fantasies. When she claims it “meant nothing” while simultaneously glorifying the experience, she’s gaslighting you into doubting your own reality. This isn’t about a failed experiment it’s about her disrespect for your partnership and your dignity. You need to put your well being first now tell her that without immediate, genuine remorse and a commitment to couples counseling, the relationship is untenable. Walking away from 5 years is heartbreaking, but staying in a dynamic where you’re consistently humiliated will destroy your self esteem permanently.
You’re 31- This will haunt if not destroy any self-respect you have left. Her actions throughout the experience only made things worse.
Put your chin up and bail dude…
You leave.
She is not your GF.
How could anyone ever think this would be a good idea?
So the “experiment” doesn’t appear to have a good outcome. My hypothesis is that you will not likely repeat this experiment in your next relationship.
Stop making excuses for yourself stop making excuses for her.
you set some rules made some boundaries.
She ignored the rules and boundaries never existed. She had an affair with you participating. Have some self respect
She wanted to cheat guilt free and you fell for the trap weather you want to see it or not.
No you can’t unsee what you saw or felt that day her wishing she was single should be all you need to know. All you have left is to give her the wish and move on.
This rarely turns out well. I’m always reminded of Yoko onos brilliant idea to revive their relationship so she lets John Lennon go sleep with may pang. A very attractive and young Asian woman. John spends 18 months with may pang and Yoko freaks out and has to stop all the craziness she asked for. Basically when you put people into sexual scenarios you have no idea what’s going to happen. But usually someone is gonna get hurt.
u just gave me a reason not to do it . me and my boyfriend have been talking about a threesome but with another girl … i felt kinda iffy even tho i swing both ways just because im afraid he’ll get attached or try to contact her after the fact or even worse try to have a poly relationship . i think this was my wakeup call
Bring a woman in for a threesome. Ignore the GF while balls deep in the other woman. Cum in her and call it good. Then tell your GF you’ve never experienced anything like it. Then proceed to leave the relationship…
Only five years together and you’re so bored of each other that you’re willing to risk the whole relationship by bringing other people into it?!
I would close the relationship back up immediately, go to counseling together to see if there’s something worth salvaging, and proceed from there.
Jeez, the threesome idea didn’t work??
That’s so weird, it’s usually such a safe bet.
You were toast at “firefighter musician type.” 😶🌫️
It sounds like she used the 3some to sleep with him.
Bruh,she straight up always had this man on her radar.
You were last to know.
I mean, it’s up to you, but I would have moved on.
She met this man and wanted rather than cheat the usual way. She bullshit yoy into a threesome with a man she already had communication with.
She went as far as to continue communication with him after.
So no,it was all for her,nothing in there was about you.
And I’m harsh here, but you’d be stupid to stay.
Updateme!
>One idea was trying a threesome/foursome, including exploring same-gender stuff.
How does one try a threesome without exploring same gender stuff?
Anyway, before you dump your GF, you need to get your own threesome in. Opportunity might not come up again.
I want to start off by saying I’m really sorry that you’re going through this. Honestly, fuck her for this. You seem like a sweet guy who really cares about her, enough to do a threesome with a dude.
I feel like a threesome gone wrong is pretty traumatizing and part of the reason why many people avoid it to begin with. Be proud of yourself for taking that step because it requires a lot of mental gymnastics to go through with something like that. You trusted her enough to open the relationship up in order to take your sex life to the next level, and she wasn’t disciplined enough to let your relationship flourish through that. This could have been an opportunity for her to show that you can trust her, that she sees you, and that you’re important to her especially in an unconventional setting like that. Instead, she turned it into a shit show. You two could have been celebrating the experience, feeling closer than ever but now you’re suffering and she caused a wedge.
Him finishing inside of her and her privately talking to him after saying she won’t is a huge red flag and should be a major line crossed in your eyes. The entire foundation of why threesomes work are the boundaries that are set in place and communication that happens beforehand. Respecting those boundaries are the most important thing. Other things like her seeming to enjoy him more in the moment could mean a lot of things. It doesn’t necessarily mean she is less attracted to you, it could mean that she was just caught up in the experience of being with another person for the first time in years. She might’ve felt the need to put on more of a performance for him, rather than her partner she has been with for 5 years. It’s SO valid to still be hurt, but thats just to offer a tiny bit of reassurance.
Since you have been with her for a while, I think it’s worth noting whether or not she has a pattern of crossing lines or having red flags…or if the circumstances of an unconventional threesome opened a can of worms for you two. She definitely showed red flags in this situation, but again, it’s unconventional to fuck another dude with your girl because of these sort of things. Is she a bad girlfriend overall? Do the years you two spent together make up for her acting a fool over this threesome?
Either way, this is a huge betrayal and it would require a lot of trust building if you do move forward with her. She would need to understand the weight of her actions and how it affected you. And she also showed that she isn’t the type of partner who can handle introducing threesomes into the relationship…which says a lot in itself too.
Sorry man, she’s not really your girlfriend anymore. This experiment was a terrible idea, and that message was a death blow to your relationship. Time to let him have her, hit the gym, and get back on the apps.
Look bro. I get what she’s telling you but what did you see?
Your saying she said this, she said this but bro.
What did you SEE.
Think about that
She found a way to have sex with a guy she liked and got your approval for it.
She texted the guy and said “if only i was single” thats not something you say to someone you bring in for a threesome. Thats something someone says to an affair partner
Rather than saying it’s because of the threesome, it’s because she cheated on you. The threesome is just an excuse to do it openly, you should leave her.
…Or if you want to be petty, fuck another woman in a threesome
Updateme!
Never have a threesome when in a relationship you want to last. Ever. Someone is more often than not hurt, and it more often than not it’s the end of the relationship.
She’s manipulating you. That was always her intent. To have her cake and eat it too.
Dude wtf are you doing? Dump her and dump her NOW! Let him have her and NEVER do this. I don’t understand how anyone thinks opening their relationship is a way of spicing it up. It’s a way to trash your relationship…that’s what it is. Regardless, knowing the nuances of what you guys did, she broke every trust you had..do yourself a huge favor and dump her and for the record? She probably fucked this dude before while you guys were together. She didn’t just pull him out of a hat.
Lemme guess, the threesome was her idea?
She wanted to fuck him from weeks ago, she tricked you into the threesome without having to cheat on you. It’s over bro, he literally came inside her
She planned this with him in her head… you just fell into the trap
Dont be a degen doing 3somes and it wont happen again.
Don’t waste a 6th year on her
If she was single he wouldn’t want her. Whose idea was this? I know you said it’s mutual, but who brought it up? If it was her, ditch her. She is now cheating with permission. If it was yours this is karma. Don’t share your future girlfriends.
She wanted him bad.
Hi Op as some mentioned your GF tricked you to have the opportunity to sleep with this dude. On top of that she let him c.m insde of her, which means she wanted to happen like that. Her communication with him after that stint tells you everything. She wanted to humiliate you like a c..kold. In my opinion she crossed a line that irreparably damaged the trust you had in her.
The only way to keep some dignity is to leave her immediately. I would even suggest to do it very quietly, just pack your things, don’t interact with her, don’t explain her why, just LEAVE. Those selfish, narcissistic people hate indifference ☝🏻.
But don’t be surprised if she goes straight to this guy, which was her plan anyway.
Never, ever, ever introduce people into your relationships. Vast majority of the time, this only works if you are the uncommitted third. It sounds, to me, she caught feelings. She broke the rules.
Jesus dude I hope this was a wakeup call for you. If a girl even mentions something about another guy in a sexual manner, LEAVE. You gotta have some self respect man wtf. Letting another man fuck your woman in front of you? And cum inside of her? Jesus christ. You’ve damn near lost your right to call yourself a man after that.
Work on yourself and find a good woman. Why the fuck would a healthy one wanna have sex with another man? AND in front of you? And why the hell does she have some random firefighter guy she can call for that in the first place? So many red flags. Don’t be naive bro.
>I was hesitant but
Lesson learned, man. Never do something sexually you are hesitant about. An unenthusiastic “yes” is a “no”, and that goes for yourself as well.
I think you will need to break up, partly because you should after her cheating behaviors, and partly because there are just some hurts you don’t recover from. You may love her a lot still, but that doesn’t mean staying is good for you.
Never bring another dude into the room wtf, you knew she picked him for a reason, the signs were all there and you ignored them anyways. Smh
You shouldn’t have a threesome if you’re trying to control how your partner reacts to the third person. If you’re concerned about your partner being more vocal or getting off more or otherwise having fun with the other person, you are NOT ready for a threesome.
Either way, you had boundaries and she broke all of them. What’s the point in boundaries if you don’t stick to them?
It sounds like she wanted to cheat without the guilt
Imagine being given permission to sleep with someone else and still finding a way to turn it into cheating.
When you have “big worries” from the start, that’s a big red flag that you should not proceed.
“But honestly, my trust is gone. . . ” -Well then that’s it. You cannot have a functional relationship without trust, so with that statement, you’ve already determined the relationship is over.
Sorry, my dude.
You consented to a threesome with boundaries, she crashed through those boundaries (texting privately), therefore she cheated.
Time to move on.
If you think a threesome is a fix for your relationship woes, your relationship is already done. It’s rare that a three way ever pulls a couple closer, because one of the partners either breaks the rules or gets feelings for the third wheel.
“Congrats.” You were present to her actively having someone for their final audition to replace you.
That message? That’s a relationship ender. Don’t fall for sunk cost fallacy.
And looking back, who came up with the dumb idea for the threesome? Bet it was her? Her friend was already in the picture at the time, wasn’t he? Bet she was cheating on you before she first popped the question.
So. You break up. No emotion. Absolute grey rock and stone walled. That’s about as much of a win as you can get from this shitfest. Secure finances. Secure electronics. If you have proof of that chatlog, save it, print it out.
“Saw your texts. Don’t want to stand in the way of your lust. Congrats. You’re single. I’ll pick my shit up from your place and drop yours off. Don’t contact me. Lose my number.”
lol
Fake as fuuuuuccckkk
I’ll tell you what you do, you make her single. She knows what to do. Isn’t that what she told him?
You know what to do, man. You just need to have the courage to face it.
You were afraid of the thing that always happens with threesomes happening, and then they did happen.
Painful lesson, but I’m willing to bet she saw this outcome clearly even though you didn’t
Just leave. She played you. She wanted to fuck this guy but without the guilt of cheating. She probably screwed him behind your back. And those texts!!! And he came inside her?! Bro wtf. Just cut your loses and go. Tell her to fck off. Go get laid by someone else and feel better. Time will heal and you’ll move on. You’re still young. Trust me when I tell you I’m 50 and threesomes in a relationship are NOTHING BUT BAD NEWS. you never should have done it in the first place. I feel for you but you allowed this to happen. Now take control of your life and get your self respect back and dump her asap
Threesomes should remain in fantasy land
No, don’t stay. I firmly believe that a person who pushes a threesome just wants to cheat. she will do it again
Please “listen” to me carefully...“All relationships end in one of two ways: With a partner for life or a lesson for life and both are good for you in the long run…You’ve got your lesson and learned from it, life will only get better from here on out” Know your worth.
And this is exactly what happens in every 3-some I ever agreed to be in as the Unocorn, and I’m a woman. It never failed that the man, whose fantasy it was… ended up crying and humiliated when he saw it actually happen and it didn’t go according to plan. He couldn’t handle seeing his partner making different sounds or being excited at a fantasy being fulfilled. Someone always end up crying at the end. Always.
I’m openly poly, but when it came to experimenting, my ex freaked all the way out and I didn’t even touch the other person (a man). My ex was in charge, and there was a woman we knew who has a huge crush on him so they were center stage, and the guy and I knew instinctively my husband wouldn’t be able to cope if he watched each other, so we sat far apart and never touched. And just watched them. It went so badly. It was still 100% him directing his fantasy for the entire night. And yet he still completely melted down.
I am not or have ever been a cheater and I kept every agreement, but he never did. Every single partner I’ve ever had has cheated, despite having a completely free pass to do what they wanted. They never had to lie. All I’ve ever asked for is never to be the last to know, and please don’t humiliate me, and don’t bring the person in to our personal lives or around kids (ours or theirs).
I won’t do that again unless it’s 3 single people playing. In a relationship, it’s just too hard.
OP, I’m sorry this happened and you’re left with these feelings. I don’t think she was trying to cheat, but it does sound like she got caught up in the inevitable high and seduction of NRE, because it can be instant and is really intense if you are the witness.
It’s only over if you decide it’s over. You could both work on this with a skilled poly/ethical non-monogamy therapist to resolve your feelings and continue giving yourselves the right tools not to hurt each other or the other people you invite in your your life intimately. Best wishes to you.
Man I had a threesome in my dream wit my husband and I’m still mad at what he did to this imaginary girl. I wouldn’t ever agree to that again. It’s only asking for hurt feelings
I think if you’re going to have a threesome, the third person shouldn’t have any kind of bond with you. In my opinion, as a woman, she felt attracted to him. She didn’t want to cheat on you, but she still really wanted to sleep with this guy. Your relationship is over .. I things will never be the same.
Is this fake? Dude brings home a firefighter to sleep with his gf. What could possibly go wrong? 😂
She burned the relationship bridge. It’s likely very much over. It’s a hard lesson to learn. But take it for what you’ve gained and lost from it.
Relationship is over. In my opinion if i was to ever do a threesome it would have to be someone we both didnt know first redflag was bringing in a friend… seems like she wanted to have him but didnt want to in a “cheating” way.
I’m afraid that it’s time to let her go be single.
Eek, he came inside her?? Dude… 😬😐
See, this is why threesomes shouldn’t be part of any relationship. I just don’t think it’s possible to not feel some kind of jealousy or insecurity, or even one of you developing feelings for the threesome partner. It’s wild. She’s super into him. Also, just because you’ve been together for 5 years doesn’t mean you should be together forever. The sunk cost fallacy ruins so many lives. You can end a relationship at any time.
And I’m sorry but him coming inside of her is a HUGE violation of trust, agreements, etc. she needs a Plan B and to get tested. I can’t believe you didn’t make a bigger deal about that. It’s so wrong. Imagine this bs resulting in a pregnancy and not knowing who’s the father. That’s a little ratchet, OP.
Sorry brother but it won’t be long before she checks out. You likely will never fill that emptiness again while with her because the damage is done. You feel so crappy about it because she got away with cheating on you right in front of you and the texts confirm this. The flirting outside of the group text is exactly why she suggested bringing this guy in for a threesome. She wanted to bang him out without having to feel guilty about it hence the threesome suggestion. You had a threesome with your GF and a guy that she actively likes/wants/desires.
Did you two ever discuss bringing a female in for an FFM threesome? Just curious but it really doesn’t matter relationship wise.
You’re a cuckold, and she cheated on you, now get out
First off, why wasn’t protection used with the new guy?
This generation wants to push the boundaries of human relationships ignoring the simple fact that humans are wired for monogamy.
Why are you still clinging to this relationship with a person who doesn’t love or respect you? No one is going to respect or love you if you don’t love and respect yourself.
Dumb. What the hell did you expect?
Never have a threesome with a friend… plain and simple.
Her messages confirm exactly why you never do it. She really wanted to fuck him and wouldn’t cheat. So she convinced you to let her fuck him.
Leave dude. Just save yourself the pain. You know her true feelings and you will only be suspicious of her from here out. She will eventually leave because cmon she was already flirting with this dude privately explicitly against your wishes.
A threesome requires A LOT of trust in your partner. Which is why you should honestly use a sex worker. You know what you are getting and you know they aren’t sticking around afterward.
I wouldn’t if I were you, she all but outright cheated. Even worse, you had to watch it. I’m so sorry but… maybe make her happy by making her single.
No. She wants this and you are clearly hesitant. You can’t put this genie back in the bottle. She wants to sleep with other guys and keep you around. If you don’t let her, she’ll just sleep with other guys anyway. Me personally, I wouldn’t stay in this, but maybe you’re more accepting of things than I am
She 100% had this guy set and ready to go for your “threesome.” She was looking to avoid feeling bad about cheating on you. Not your fault; you trusted her. You need to dump her and move on. Updateme!
Bet any amount of money the threesome was her idea from the beginning
This was hard to read. Please break up with her.
This relationship is done. The sooner you leave the sooner you will start feeling better. And if you dump her instead of waiting and getting dumped you will recover more quickly. But this relationship is over…
Leave her
Oh hell nahh bruh. She must be magical wit her words cuz ain’t no way. She already wanted to fxck him. Just introduced you into the 3some so you might not look at it as her cheating. I bet if it was the other way around and you nutted in the other girl, I bet your girl would’ve had an attitude.
FAFO!
Once trust is gone in a relationship it’s almost impossible to regain. It will eat you up until the next issue arises then will get ugly.
Never do threesomes in a relationship will fail 99% of the time.
See you at the gym.
You’re toast
She’s already moved on, she just hasn’t moved out.
My wife and I have been in the lifestyle for years. Communication is everything and she is manipulating you to get what she wants. That’s the exact opposite of how it’s supposed to happen.