My friend (29 F) asked me to contact her boyfriend (28 M) of 4-5 years to coordinate her engagement. She said she wants to ensure her friends are there. I live one city away, but my work schedule is busy and thus I need to plan ahead of time to be there. Anyways, he asked her family’s permission to propose last summer, a year ago now. She suspects he bought the ring (he has) however, and she believed he would propose this spring, and at the latest this summer. However, when I reached out to him and scheduled a phone call, he had no plan to propose in the near future. He said that due to traveling with work, and other plans, he wouldn’t be able to until the fall, but he would call me later again when he had planned it. It has now been 2 months and I have not heard from him, and even reached out to offer to help in any way, but he ghosted me.
It does not feel like its my place to remind/nag him to propose; I don’t want to involve myself in their relationship, he’s a grown man, if he’s not ready then that’s between them…. However, he seems to be leading my friend on by telling her he’s about to propose for the last year, rather than tell her he’s not ready etc. It is verging on lying to her. My friend tells me that every day that goes by she thinks will be the day, she has felt this way for a year, meanwhile he has nothing planned… I think it speaks to his lack of respect for her and I feel uncomfortable knowing this. Do I find some way to hint that it will not happen soon?
tl;dr my friend has been waiting over a year for engagement, her bf is leading her on, is being disrespectful/not truthful, do I tell her?
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When she talks about it, and ONLY when she brings it up, you encourage her to talk to him about it. If she specifically asks you what he said when you asked him about the proposal you can let her know that he didn’t have anything planned at the time.
That’s it. Do not tell her. Do not get involved.
He said he was planning on asking in the fall. It isn’t the fall. Maybe he has other ideas for the proposal than what she is trying to make this. You have already reached out, leave it at that. And no you shouldn’t tell her he isn’t going to propose and he is leading her on!!!! He isn’t – he just doesn’t have time now. Stay out of it and stop trying to start drama.
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Leave it. I’m pretty sure that she’s realised she’s not engaged yet.
It’s up to her to bring it up to him.
Normally I wouldn’t advise injecting yourself into the conversation, but since you’re already having conversations with him about the proposal, I think it’s fair to let him know he has a responsibility to communicate clearly with his partner.
Why are you involved? Engagements shouldn’t be really be surprises. Friend and boyfriend should be discussing their timelines. Boyfriend should be doing any and all planning. Tell her that she needs to talk to her boyfriend, not you.
Wha? People do this? Your friend asked you to “coordinate her proposal”? I mean if she wants it properly coordinated, she really should do that herself. You are already this far, I guess just keep on keeping on.
It’s also a wild move to ask for permission to propose to someone, which ok, and have no plan to propose over a year later!
You should not get involved but you kinda are I guess. But if you try to tell your friend that this guy is leading her on or whatever, and she ends up marrying him, your relationship with your friend will be affected. I have to assume your friend’s family also thinks this is weird.
TLDR, it’s best to extricate yourself from this situation.
I would tell her that you messaged him awhile ago he mentioned fall but has not said a word since also I would tell her to get a date set and if he doesn’t I would consider if he wasting her time I wouldn’t give him a ultimatum just set a date herself and if the time passes I would start moving on
He said he’s planning it for fall. Its not fall. He may want to do it privately and keep it between the 2 of them then call family and friends after. He doesn’t have to coordinate anything with you or let you know his plans. Mind your business.
I wouldn’t necessarily bring it up to her, but if she brings it up I don’t think it’s wrong for you to say whatever you would have said even if you weren’t in contact with him. It’s not like you have to say nothing at all. Also, if he’s been telling her for a year he’s about to propose, and hasn’t, at some point she needs to realize that’s not true. A year is a long time to still be believing someone who’s telling you a proposal is imminent.
I mean it’s not really your place to bring it up. If the friend asks, tell her you followed instructions and he’s said he’d contact you when he’s ready to set it up. On her end though, I can see being frustrated it’s been 5 years and he hasn’t asked yet
If your goal isn’t to either break them up or to trash your friendship, then you shouldn’t tell her any of the speculation or your subjective opinion, and you need to be sure and present things in a neutral way. You can say “here’s what happened from my perspective” but if you say “He’s leading you on” or “He’s being super disrespectful” then that’s just going to cause a fight.
You also need to be careful with terms like “He ghosted me”. He just hasn’t returned your texts.
So my question is this: if you cut the speculation, and the subjective opinion, and you dial down your emotions for the purposes of telling her about this, what’s left?
It probably looks something like: “Hey, I reached out to BF a few months ago about your proposal, and we were looking at options in the fall, but I haven’t heard from him in a couple months. I don’t know if he’s been busy or if I’m not the best person to coordinate with him, but since I didn’t have a real update I didn’t want to leave you hanging.”
I would also suggest that you should volunteer to remove yourself from the picture. The proposal should be about her and him; while it would be nice to have you there it’s not about you and if he needs to drop something to make it work then you’re absolutely the best thing he could drop. “I recognize me being out of town complicates things so if trying to fit me in is the hold up, then please don’t worry about me. I can celebrate your happiness from anywhere.”
If she starts to ask questions that lead to your subjective opinion, then it’s okay to expand into that; but you still need to be careful – if she has to choose her BF that lives near her and who she’s planning her future around or a friend who lives a city over, she’s probably going to choose her BF.
If you think he’s emotionally manipulating her – and emotional abusers certainly do use proposals to manipulate people – then you should gather something more concrete and bring that to her. Offer to be supportive and helpful if she needs it, but let her make up her own mind. This is another reason to avoid subjective or charged language – it will make her feel like this is about you having a problem with him, and not about you looking out for her.
I would definitely extricate yourself from the situation. If I were the guy, this might change my opinion on getting engaged to her at all.
I feel like you are jumping many guns while also passing a judgment about him (“leading her on”). If he’s asked permission and gotten a ring, it’s going to happen. Life threw him a hurdle. Plus it’s not close to the fall, and for the love of God, it doesn’t need months in advance to coordinate. If it’s the right person, it can be in bathrobes over coffee.
I’m confused, never heard of anything like this. Is this normal? Don’t say anything, if she asks just say he said fall. Then try to extricate yourself from this by making excuses as in why you can no longer be involved. Weird, almost seems like she is using you to get the answer she wants but is afraid to be the nagging gf.
It’s his proposal too.
Maybe he doesn’t want to make it a SHOW. Maybe he had his own vision for his proposal and that doesn’t involve OP and a audience of all their friends and family. That could be why he’s hasn’t done it. Because his GF and OP and all their friends set up this huge expectation.
OP remove yourself from the equation. You should have never agreed to her request. Maybe you and your friend need to examine this from another angle.
Leave this alone. What if he wants to surprise her and is lying to you to do so?
What if you’re right, there’s no need at all for you to be the messenger: get out of their relationship and let this play out
If he was a thoughtful guy, I’d advise him to communicate with her. But if his past behaviour is a predictor of his future behaviour, he’s not going to have a conversation with her and she will stay upset. So I’d tell her what’s going on.
What exactly is your friend wanting that requires you helping her partner coordinate it? If she is wanting this to be a big event that requires a lot of planning, than I can understand him putting it off until a more convenient time. As a friend, I would encourage her to talk to her partner. He has the ring and asked for permission so I don’t think he’s leading her on. Their timelines and expectations just don’t match.