Ok, the title is laughably cliche. My husband is a good one. He’s kind, a great dad, supportive, does lots of housework, takes care of himself, etc.
Here’s the thing: he has this peccadillo where he obsesses over one topic/project at a time and cannot get out of this circular thinking. Right now, it’s AI and a little crypto.
I can’t even pretend to be interested in this anymore. I am sick of hearing about it. As soon as he brings it up, I instantly feel drained. This has been going HARD for a few months now.
I want him to have his passion and do his thing, and it doesn’t have to be my thing. But it’s getting to a point where I feel like it’s dominating all our interactions, and it makes me feel really disconnected from him! And honestly a little ick too.
A little extra context: we have a 5 month old and both work full time, so also, our lives are just dull and hard right now generally.
So, here’s my question—do I bring this up? If so, how?
Comments
Yes you should definitely bring it up. He can’t know how you’re feeling unless you communicate it.
As for how… being straightforward and honest is usually best. Don’t try to hint around.
Can you start by starting a different conversation? [man in my 40s, if this violates the rules I’m sorry]
He sounds nuerodivergent possibly. Especially if he gains an interest, learns everything about it and then just one day stops and never looks at or talks about it again.
“Husband, when you spend so much time focused on X and talking about it, I feel disconnected from you and unimportant to you. I’m starting to feel frustrated towards your passion because you talk about it so often and I miss your attention and interest.”
Also decide how much you want to communicate about AI and crypto.
“Husband, I want to unsubscribe from all conversations about crypto and AI.”
I think your best being blunt and just saying ‘this isn’t something I really enjoy hearing about. Like, I love and appreciate you and your interest in it but it’s something that’s a bit boring to me like me telling you about Taylor Swift. Can we talk about it less often?’ Maybe reword that to be kinder, I’m autistic and bad at phrasing things properly. Otherwise telling him it’s dominating all your interactions might work.
It doesn’t sound like it’s a never ever thing, but just, I don’t enjoy this and it’s everything rn so can we just, talk about idk the plants coming back or anything else.
“I’m glad you’re having fun with this, but can we talk a lot less about AI and more about other stuff?” And then suggest other stuff to talk about.
Oof. Hyperfixations can be touchy spaces, especially with those two topics RN.
Personally I would ask him – not tell him – and I would probably say something like:
“Hey, I really love connecting with you in the moments we get to spend together, and I want to keep our lines of communication honest and open. Can I share something that has been on my mind lately? (wait for response) It feels uncomfortable for me to bring it up, because I can see how you’re really excited about it, but I’ve realized over the last few weeks that I don’t actually enjoy talking about or learning about AI and crypto, and whenever you start to tell me so much about it I feel really overwhelmed and check out. I don’t like checking out of convos with you – I like connecting with you. Can you work with me to try and find a solution that feels good for both of us?”
I’d then suggest any/all of the following:
That he find a friend to meet with IRL to talk about those things over coffee every so often (only if you think he chooses friends well-lots of grifty dudes in both of those spaces)
That he imagine what else he’d want to talk to you about if neither of those tech spaces existed (works best if he has other hobbies/interests)
That he stop and check in with where you’re at to see if you even have the mental bandwidth to entertain those topics before bringing them up – this could help him be more mindful about how he weaves them into conversation, and you’ll get a better S:N filter for what you do occasionally learn about those topics (instead of the nonstop play by play)
I would try to be extremely nonviolent and curious, yet still clear about my needs. Hyper-fixations can feel super personal, but also, a lot of us who do it know that we’re maybe ‘a bit much’ about our flavor of the month special interest sometimes, and are open to that data point and feedback from people we like spending time around. 😅
I do think it’s important to have a calm and thoughtful convo about these sorts of energetic and communication boundaries as early as possible, once you’ve realized that there’s a disconnect. Don’t let it fester.
It’s weird and uncomfortable to do sometimes, but most people don’t know what’s up unless you tell them. 🫶🏼