I’ve been on the chubbier side for most of my life, but I became significantly overweight around the lockdown period.
Before lockdown, I was always fairly popular in school. People liked talking to me, getting to know me. I often found myself attracted to conventionally attractive guys, and surprisingly (you know how it is with men), they were into me too. I always believed it was more about my personality than looks.
After lockdown, I started dating someone and had an alright relationship. Around that time, I pulled away from the social scene. My circle got smaller, more intimate. That relationship ended last year.
But lately, I’ve started to feel… smaller in other ways too. Like my presence doesn’t hold as much weight anymore (ironically). Like my opinions don’t carry the same value.I often feel insecure and less important as a person even around the same people. I sometimes wonder, do people take me less seriously now because I don’t look the same? Because I’ve gained weight?
Am I experiencing whatever the opposite of pretty privilege is, or is it just body dysmorphia talking?
Have any of you experienced something like this, where your changing appearance in a conventionally negative direction affected how others perceived or treated you? Or at least how you felt you were being treated? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
[I feel this mostly around peers, certain men, and authority figures eg. teachers which is why im confused if its just me whos insecure or them treating me differently]
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I’ve been a size 2 and a size 12 and all the sizes in between. In my experience “Pretty Privilage” even translates to “Skinny Privilage” and it’s real. People treated me differently when I was a 2/4 vs when I was a 10/12.
In some cases it was the same people treating me differently when I was different sizes. People have unconscious biases whether they want to admit it or not.
This is, unfortunately, often a real phenomenon in many many parts of life, especially for women. I’m not saying that none of it is in your head, but I’m guessing at least some of it is real. There are lots of studies that support this – I found https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6762156/ very interesting (probably not related to you specifically, but it’s a small representation of a real issue).
I don’t really know what you can specifically do about this, but maybe you’ll find it helpful to know it’s real.
Society will absolutely devalue women who stray from conventional standards. The fatter and older we become, we lose the social credit that we once had when we were younger, skinnier, prettier. To overcome this there needs to be a shift in values internally and to appropriately place yourself in an environment where you are valued for your character and other contributions.
I consider myself to be very average, I’ve always been overlooked or at least, not valued for my appearance at any point in my life except for a brief period of time in college when I thought I needed to look and present a certain way because, well, society was nicer to me when I’d put on makeup and dress nicely! But my lesson wasn’t trying to uphold that artificial transient environment where I had to costume myself, it was to decenter my value from my appearance and build a community that values my other merits. It’s hard nowadays but it’s not impossible.
I gained quite a bit of weight since my early 20s and interestingly I am treated better by others than I was when I was super skinny. So I think a lot of stuff might be in our heads.
You’re not imagining it. People treat slimmer people better. Oftentimes obese people are treated as invisible, if not met with outright rudeness and hostility.
People even notice a difference going between like, 8/10 to a 2/4.
There are tons of stories on r/loseit
https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/v42lhr/people_are_nicer_it_stings/
https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/q8bk0t/pretty_privilege_is_real/
https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/whsfsb/surprised_at_how_much_better_everyone_treats_me/
https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/1h40k4q/why_do_fat_people_get_treated_so_badly_like_they/
https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/vs0ahm/for_those_who_have_lost_a_lot_of_weight_do_people/
I’m going to be honest.
Yes they do treat you differently. Everyone. Every. One. Every single person I’ve ever met in my entire life treats people better based on wealth, status and most especially looks and weight.
I’ve gained and lost weight and infinitely got treated better when I was slimmer and after a nose job.
It’s really sad. At the same time, just work out for yourself and the confidence will follow. That’s all you can do. Love yourself honestly.
I got a nose job for me and I gained weight and my ex bf was visibly angry that he ended up with someone like me. It’s just gross. Knowing that people treat you on genetics but move on from people like that.
My own family treats me based on my looks and body. I’ve had siblings I thought I’d die for, tell me to my face I’m not attractive so much I don’t even want a photo of myself taken. Yet they deny they ever act that way.
I’ve lost my job where as a woman, you simply don’t have the luxury to maintain yourself. I’ve had friends and their family talk shit about me. Doesn’t matter I worked my ass off to show up for them, they’re focused on the fact I’m overweight and my hair is frizzy.
It’s just awful.
About 3 years ago I started taking Adderall to treat my ADHD for the first time. I lost 50lbs. I was pretty chubby before that. EVERYONE and their mother came out of the woodwork to compliment me. A neighbor I’d never met came to my house to tell me she’d seen me walking my dogs and ask what I was doing to lose the weight. Everyone was seriously so nice. I recently decided to stop taking the Adderall because the side effects just haven’t been worth it for me for the benefit I’m getting from them. I’m literally sick at the thought of gaining all the weight back and knowing everyone will notice, even if they won’t say anything the way they did when I lost weight.
Sadly, I think we’re a very appearance and weight obsessed world. Instead of worrying about my mental health, I’m more stressed and embarrassed about what strangers will think about my thunder thighs. It’s honestly just sad.
I was quite overweight for several years due to a hormone problem and I felt completely invisible during that time. Am now in the process of losing it, am down over 30 pounds so far. I still have some to go before I’m at a “healthy” weight, but I definitely feel less invisible and like people are nicer to me now.
Yep! Been a size 10 through to 16 with Cushing’s making my face look bigger than my size and it was all the same until Cushing’s changed my face and I definitely noticed a difference, people are dismissive. It depends who I’m talking to though. If they are egotistical people they are dismissive. Everyone else is normal in interactions. I’m a very confident person and not used to being dismissed so I one hundred percent notice and my respect level for them immediately ceases to exist. On the surface I’ve never stopped to think about the physical side until I see a photo and read this post 😂.
Being size 10 or 16 never really affected anything. More people showed interest at size 16. But Cushing’s kicking in is when I noticed.
On the other hand, some ethnicities find that highly attractive.
I’ve been both and yeah…people can be shallow and shitty. At the very least, when I lose weight I’ll know who to avoid. I would never treat anyone like crap because of their size or anything that was out of their control and I won’t entertain anyone in my life who doesn’t share those values.
I gained a significant amount of weight for a couple years. In that experience, men treated me worse and women treated me better. I assume because I was perceived as less of a threat. Sad, but true. Now that I’ve lost most of it but am still not SUPER thin, I get treated a lot more neutrally. Guys don’t fall over themselves for me like when I was really thin, but they don’t act like I literally don’t exist like when I was at my heaviest (borderline morbidly obese). Kind of fine with a middle ground since I don’t love to be approached in public or have people interested in me solely for my looks.
So to answer your question, I think in general I was taken a lot less seriously in all aspects of my life when I was very heavy. Even if it’s unconscious bias and no one was ever blatantly rude or disrespectful to my face before, the behavior change is definitely palpable.
Yes, society is very cruel to overweight women.
It’s always funny when the guys who never gave you the time of day or even bare minimum respect when you were heavier start coming around after you lose the weight like “hey!! how’re you doing? It’s been so long!!” And it’s like yeah asshole, it’s been a long time because you acted like I didn’t exist when we went to school together, so 🤷🏼♀️🤣. Classic. It’s sad how many men literally won’t acknowledge your existence if you’re overweight. Because as they see it, you have nothing to offer them, so you’re irrelevant.
I lost a bunch of weight a few years ago while I had a non-nurse job, lost even more than I’d gained at a particularly stressful job. I went back to a job where i knew most of the people there, and everyone was way too enthusiastic at telling me how good I looked. One surgeon who was a notorious creep paid attention to me for the first time ever, stood too close, was “flirty.” First time he paid attention, my instinctive first thought was “I should get fat again”
Yes, I’ve lost significant amounts of weight twice, and each time it was noticeable.
What I recently realized after the second time though, is i think it’s more about their own fear of fat than it is about what they actually think of you. There’s a certain amount of social reflection and mirroring that happens, and that fear of fat flickers the connection when they try to relate to you.
Even my mom and close friends treat me better when I weigh less.
I used to be very conventionally attractive and femme presenting. After coming out as lesbian in my 30’s, I realized that I’m actually pretty masculine at heart, and started presenting that way.
I don’t find that I’m taken less seriously. The misogyny just took on a different form. Shitty men don’t want to fuck me now, they want to fight me. At work instead of being assumed by people who don’t know me to be an admin assistant, I’m assumed to be a courier. I still don’t look like an engineer to strangers, while male admin assistants are assumed to hold my job title. Nothing new in spirit, only in words.
I’ve never been overweight, but I did gain some weight in my early 40’s going from a size 4 to a 10. I don’t think people even noticed, but then again, I’m 5’8″. I have noticed secondhand overweight women colleagues are assumed at all times to be complete idiots, so I am 100% sure they have it worse regardless of whether they’re attractive or not.
Yes. My weight goes up and down a lot, because I have coeliac disease. The most shocking thing is, when I’m two dress sizes larger, how differently other women treat you with less respect.
Studies have shown that losing weight can be the equivalent of earning a masters degree in terms of a woman’s wages.
I would not have an eating disorder if there were no value in being thin. I hate it all and want to get off this mad ride.
The only difference I noticed when I was thinner was that I got more obnoxious eye-fucking looks from men and more “ugh, skinny little bitch” looks from women.
Absolutely, unfortunately. It was most pronounced when I was my thinnest, people treated me so well even though I was late 30’s.
As a woman nobody takes you seriously regardless of what you look like. I’ve been in meetings finalizing contracts for interior retail spaces, and men in EVERY SINGLE MEETING have cut me off to ask me to drink, where I drink, what I like to drink, do I like to party, am I single, how serious is it, or my fucking favorite “ I like to think we are friends now so how about we go out and celebrate this deal getting done?”
Then there are times I am out and I look like absolute swamp ass. Hair up in a messy bun or a hat on, oversized sweats (fuck the world oversized sweats), no makeup and beat up old kicks. I’m legit invisible. I showed up at a store front like this and dude I had been working with for months didn’t recognize me, when he did it was like a shitty 80’s movie in reverse. I could basically see the comic bubble over his head that said “EEW”.
Yes. And it is very intersectional and layered as well. It goes hand and hand with colorism (darker is worse), featurism (looking more White is better) and texturism (having more “Afro-textured” hair is bad). And even body shape plays a role. Being more aloof an hourglass shape, even at a larger size is better can be perceived as more attractive than being more of an apple shape at a lower weight. Or having a face that stays slimmer despite size vs one that is chubbier at a smaller weight.
I’ve been thin and fat, and people were assholes regardless.
I think pretty privilege is a real thing, and weight obviously plays into that. That said, I’ve been very overweight all my life, and I have never felt like my opinions don’t matter or my presence is overlooked.
I very firmly believe that you are only as invisible or disregarded as you let yourself be. At least, aside from romance – that’s a whole ‘nother thing.
I do not mean that it is necessary to be obnoxious or aggressive to be seen and heard. Rather, if you start from the assumption that people will take you seriously, then you act in a more confident and assertive manner, which makes it so, IME.
I certainly understand feeling insecure under the circumstances. I’m self-conscious about my body, too, in some situations. But try to see yourself in a better light and use that positivity as armor of sorts.
At 51, I am invisible to all strangers except other women my age.
Hello! I am a person whose weight fluctuates pretty drastically and yes, people do treat you differently when you are thin — and learning that has honestly been very upsetting to me. People were so eager to be nice to me when I was thin — from small things like holding doors open or letting me go first in checkout lines, to big things like giving me better medical care.
So I would say it was the opposite. When I was thin, people actually listened to me more. Now that I’m fat again, it’s back to being invisible/being overlooked/being spoken over.
But I honestly prefer it the fat way. I would rather know the true worth of someone’s kindness than to think they’re just a kind individual and they’re really just reacting to my body shape.
Lmao as if this is even a question.
The halo effect and beauty privilege are very real and proven social phenomena that impact not just dating/romantic relationships but every aspect of your life (employment opportunity, healthcare, the judicial and carceral systems, etc).
And yeah, beauty privilege includes thin privilege, if it occurs in a society where the markets of conventional beauty include things like being thin, able bodied, visually conforming to the expected standards of your apparent gender, and imposed racial/ethnic aesthetics.
I recently got sick with a chronic illness and gained 15 pounds and my skin got terrible and I like aged like 10 years in the course of a few months and was definitely treated terribly. On top of being sick and feeling like I was losing my life it was bad. So yeah people are shallow assholes a lot of the time.
People are notably nicer to me when I’m 120lbs instead of 130-135lbs. They aren’t mean at 130-135, just not as nice. I imagine, though, that if I notice this over a 10-15lb difference then it must be more pronounced with even more weight gain.
The exception to this is pregnancy where people are still very nice to me even though I’m currently 150lbs. I suspect this won’t hold true if I don’t go back to 120 after childbirth.
Pretty previlege is real. But to add what everyone is saying, a perspective that hasnt been added is that the meanest negging person I know were plus size women who took their insecurity out of pulling down other women. Like I get it, it stems from societal pressure but I dont want to be bullied either. They cant seem to grasp its their personality thats driving people away and not their weight.
Mainly its societal beauty standards but sometimes its the person themself thats drives people away.
It’s probably how you carry yourself and present yourself more than anything else. My department head at work is far from thin, but people respect her and like her and take her seriously because she’s quite good at her job and she carries herself with confidence. She’s not young either. She has experience and uses it. And she’s been happily married for years and has adult kids.
Apart from having every health issue blamed on my weight I haven’t noticed much difference really. However it should be noted that I was never convenientionally attractive, just thinner. Im also tall and broad so even when im at a low weight im still not small. Also I don’t really notice how random people treat me, have a forceful personality, RBF and perfected not giving afick as a teen.
It’s been a mixed bag for me. I am not sure how much of the change is directly because of how I look and how much is because of the change in how I present (confidence) at a lower weight.
Academically, had no issues being taken seriously. Same with my workplace, although that might be unusual because they are exceedingly focused on merit over anything else. The colleagues who I onboarded with were a very wide range of age and body type. I’ve never felt invisible or dismissed there.
However, I did notice people, especially men, responding to me differently when I lost a good amount of weight. I never actually felt invisible at my higher weights. Rather TOO visible. And I was subjected at times to stares, sneers, and occasional outright mockery by strangers. I am getting a lot more eye contact and engagement from men. I’m no hottie by any means and I’m not even thin. But apparently I’ve reduced sufficiently to no longer be in the “utterly disgusting” category for most?
I do find that I make my way in the world much easier now that I stopped giving a shit. I go for what I want like I deserve it. I say what I want to say whether anyone cares or not. I approach everyone with openness and a smile, and if they decide to reject that, it’s their loss. fuck ’em.
I am treated much better after my 120 pound loss.
People would treat me with far more respect when I was severely underweight (restrictive ED) compared to how they treat me now (normal weight, sporty). It took me a while to get used to.
I gained a significant amount of weight, started wearing glasses instead of contacts and let my hair grow out to it’s natural color. Now I’m invisible in public!!
I feel invisible as overweight 😞