TW: SA, GBV, child abuse
I (25F) am an avid “Family TikTok” watcher; and family planning article reader. I also have 6 years experience as a tutor to students aged 4-24. I’ve read enough on this topic that led me to want to explain basic consent in child-friendly terms if I have a child – of any gender. I’d like to explain that they do not have to accept every single person entering their personal space – even if it’s family, they can say no. Listing people who they can choose from if they ever have to have a difficult or confusing conversation (e.g., parents, grandparents, etc.). This is due to my own experiences as a preschooler where I felt I couldn’t say what I had been shown, or how I got certain injuries. Children were seen, not heard under my mom’s regime.
My male childhood friend and I were discussing whether it’s appropriate to explain consent to pre-schoolers. He felt, his mom did things right by not scaring him with the thought that there were people who may want to harm him. I never said her method was wrong, I was just saying it wouldn’t work for me. I want my kids to understand from a young age that they are people too. They have rights too. I live in South Africa where GBV and pedophilia run rampant. We had a very heated debate, and he kept trying to sell me on his approach. I kept trying to tell him that we’ve had different experiences of the world; and he’s only seeing his side. I was happy to agree to disagree, but he seemed so adamant that he was right. It got to a point where I felt I needed to tell him things very few people knew about me, because it felt like he was accusing me of not wanting my future kids to have a protected childhood. I fully laid out the past, and showed him that it’s more dangerous to not equip kids with the tools necessary to handle real things they could potentially experience. I get that I did debate for 7 years, and he’s studying law, so we always have educated debates. However, I can’t help but feel hurt/angry that he was this concerned about my reasoning around parenting style, when I have shown every sign that I do thorough research on every topic I try to back up. After 18 years of friendship, can he not tell that I’m getting frustrated? Can he not use his deductive reasoning to recall my reputation as a tutor of all ages? Can he not put 2 + 2 together that with 6 years of experience in childcare, and my experience as a young black girl in SA, I might know what I’m talking about?
At this point I’m venting, but the point stands: did/will you teach your 5-6 year old children about basic consent?
Tl;dr: debated with male childhood best friend about teaching preschoolers consent. He seemed concerned I was going to put my future children in a state of panick by telling them people are out to get them. I tutored students aged 4-24 since 2019; I’m lost as to how he didn’t realise nobody would hire me if I didn’t have a good grasp on the developmental phase. I’m annoyed that he was acting like he knew better than me, purely because he had the ideal upbringing. Did/will you teach your preschoolers consent?
Comments
I’m 45 and grew up terrified that stranger danger would put me in a van. But I definitely would have benefited from being told that physical affection (hugs even) was up to me.
I think it’s very easy to teach kids in this age group about consent. My three-year-old son has hugged other children against their wishes and been chided for it. He’s also said no to offers of hugs and kisses, even from me and his dad. They may not always listen, but they can understand on some level.
In my family we taught about consent from birth. When babies turn away from their parent it’s a need for less stimulation. Toddlers don’t always want to hug or be picked up. If the kid can communicate, I can respect that. We have a couple picture books on consent we used too.
Of course. We already do this. Teaching kids “Please/Thank you” and “Yes/No” is a form of teaching consent.
You don’t need to scare kids. You need to teach them that they have a right to their own autonomy and to stand up for themselves if others don’t respect it.
The character Petra in Jane the Virgin is a great example of this with her twin girls. She praises them when they say no to a hug or when they stand up for themselves. That’s all it takes. Small things build over time and have incredible ramifications later on.
We had a family code word and the normal stranger danger discussion. Don’t take candy from the van. I think anything more than that is excessive. And maybe creepy.
You don’t need to scare a child in order to teach them about consent. Its teaching them about body autonomy and that relates to all interactions not just potentially dangerous ones.
Predators will use a child’s programmed need to please and sense of obligation to adults to exploit them.
Learning to say no thank you to physical contact and knowing to speaking to people they trust about interactions that made them uncomfortable is what keeps them safe.
Teach them. We all know that predators don’t wait until kids are a specific age to single them out, why should we wait to give the information that they need to protect themselves. Knowledge is power, silence empowers rapists and pedophiles, they rely on children’s ignorance.
When a child doesn’t know anything about consent, the predators close to them—and statistically speaking it is more likely to be someone close to them—will try to convince them that their deviant behavior is normal. The child may not even have the ability to verbalize what is happening to them properly, to understand that the thing occurring is a violation. Teach them early that no is a complete sentence, their bodies belong to them, and they have the right to refuse.
Ah. Yes. Remember that consent isn’t just something to do with things like sex or putting your hands on other people etc. consent is a very basic concept and is about setting and respecting boundaries in all aspects of life. Most children are taught this in age appropriate ways such as sharing toys – “Did you ask Timmy if you could play with his truck? Did Timmy say you could play with his truck?” or personal space and physical boundaries “We’re about to cross the road, is it ok if I hold your hand so that we can be safe together?” “You’re sad, would you like a hug?” “Timmy is sad, would you like to give him a hug? Ask him if he would like a hug.”
As an adult and ex-teacher, I always ask my friends’ children if they want a hug before I hug them. Some parents are more lax about this and make their children hug their friends. Even when they do, I’ll ask the child if they want a hug and if they don’t I’ll say “That’s ok.” and then tell their parents/my friends “It’s ok if they don’t want a hug.”
So yes. Consent should always be taught in age appropriate ways at all stages of life in all aspects of life. It’s not always about the deeper and darker aspects of life, it’s a very basic universal concept and needs to be normalised as such.
Yes, I think you should. I am a stepmom and met my stepkids when they were 5 & 7. They are now 12 & 14 and my stepdaughter is more comfortable coming to me about personal things than her own mother because I’ve always been open and honest with both kids about things like that, puberty, menstruation, mental health, etc. it’s always at age appropriate levels and it typically comes from curiosity on their part. I’m just happy to answer.
I still am trying to teach her not to be a people pleaser, as she is allowed to have boundaries and say no to people. She’s a very emotional girl and I worried that bad things could happen if the wrong person came into her life, so having these type of conversations that are age appropriate are beneficial.
Yes. My sons know that they don’t have to hug, kiss, touch anyone if they don’t want to. I ask for a hug and kiss and if they say no, I respect them.
From the age where they’re capable of understanding, I also ask them if it’s okay if I wash their bodies or if they’d like to do it themselves.
I’ve had to teach my parents about this as they’re of the era where you had to kiss and hug your family members, but they’re on board with it. Consent is so important.
Consent and bodily autonomy are both easily taught to preschoolers, and essential imo. They lead the way to confidently asserting one’s own boundaries, and respecting others’ boundaries.
We started when my 4 year old was little, but we continue to teach it with basic things like hugging, kissing, tickling, or any touch. If she wants to be tickled, the moment she says stop, we stop. “I heard you say stop, so I’m stopping!” When parting ways with family or friends: “Do you want to hug Grammy, give her a high five, or wave goodbye?” Paying attention to what her friends want: “Ask before giving [friend] a hug!”
It’s not hard shit.
It’s important to teach them consent, language for body parts, and who to talk to when you’re scared, hurt, or worried.
They’re very sincere and eager to learn/ do the right thing. Learning these things can only protect them.
I am always happy to meet littles who are very clear and confident about their physical boundaries, it means they have adults in their life who respect those boundaries and encourage/validate their little for setting them.
Yes. Consent is important to enforce at young ages so that it is completely understood by the time they’re children/teens/adults.
My daughter is almost 2 and we are gonna enforce consent. It’s simple as “Can I give you a hug/kiss/high five?”
I’ll take it further. I don’t believe in teaching children that their thoughts and opinions don’t matter and people can touch their bodies without consent.
Yes, absolutely — my kid knows he doesn’t have to hug anyone.
1000000% it should be taught at that age.
When our 13 year old was that age, it was about asking for hugs and respecting bodily autonomy
Considering a lot of people unfortunately get SA before they are even 5 years old, I believe it is extremely essential and that children should be taught to not trust people who tell them “It can be our little secret”, “Don’t tell your Mommy/Daddy”, etc.
When my siblings and I were younger, we had a pedo neighbour. My parents were friends with him. He acted weird to us, but he was Mom’s and Dad’s friend, so we didn’t think they’d believe us. Years later, something happened to him that caught the police’s attention. My father ended up talking to us about him and asking each of us if he’s ever behaved inappropriately with us. He says he wishes we would have told him…..and one of his biggest regrets in life was not listening to Mom. Mom told him she had a bad feeling about him, but Dad doesn’t like judging people with no proof. So he ignored Mom’s gut feelings.
Yes. Children should have a voice on if they want to be hugged or not
I teach consent but do not talk about pedophilia or what people might do. It’s simply no one should touch you or get too close to you if you don’t want to. And that includes a hug from me or anything else.
100% yes bc teaching consent that young is imperative to help the kid grow into a decent person and give them the ability to protect themselves. Consent isn’t sexual, it can be as simple as consent to be touched or playing with another kid’s toy. That bleeds into them understanding if someone does something to them they don’t want done, they need to tell since that person didn’t get consent.
I did teach that to my kids. They’re 11 & 13 now. We’ve taught them that their bodies are theirs and they should consent to tickling, hugs, whatever, since they were toddlers.
We’ve also talked about their friends having autonomy over their own bodies when laying or rough-housing. “If it’s not fun for everyone, it isn’t fun for anyone and y’all should stop.”
We’ve recently started talking about watching for body language, too. About how people can say one thing but be nervous or afraid and not really mean what they’re saying, so body language should be part of the conversation. And whether that is helping someone else out or stopping something that you’re involved in, we are a community and need to be aware and intentional with our actions and not get “caught up I the moment”.
I think it’s appropriate, and implemented these topics in various conversations with my child.
My daughter has known how to say no to people who want hugs/kisses, and we encourage her to listen to her body/brain when she doesn’t want that.
She has known & used only proper terms for her body parts since she was learning head shoulders knees and toes. At 4.5, we’ve gradually increased our conversations to weekly about who’s allowed to touch her, asking if anybody has touched her, practicing how can she say no, does she go to for help, what does “no” mean? etc
It’s just a normal conversation in our home. As an 80’s/90’s kid with young parents who partied, I needed their protection by the time I was her age. My daughter will never go without it.
So no, preschool is not too early; it’s right on time. It has also helped her teachers in preschool when June has seen things happen or had things happen around her (kids showing their body parts, etc.) I’ve read so many things about kids not being taken seriously because they use cute words instead of the correct ones. Ugh.
ETA: she is very aware of people in her circle and very selective of who gets close to her, so we know she’ll speak up if someone gets near her, and now she also has the language to tell us! We have even talked to her about who specifically to look to for help when we get separated: moms & women specifically, but a dad with kids is good too. It’s all in an easy casual conversation because I want this to feel normal & natural for her.
100000% I have boys and girls. As soon as they were able to understand “touch” they started learning about consent, asking permission, their bodies, etc. Condos usually start about 18 months old and mature as they do.
Consent doesn’t have to be sexual. At that age it’s literally just teaching them the meaning of yes and no and that they don’t have to hug someone of they don’t like it.
I think this starts at birth by using proper terminology, allowing privacy for diaper changes, not letting everyone change a diaper, no kissing, no holding/touching if baby doesn’t want it, no bathing by people who aren’t the parents ect.
It’s wild to me that people will just let basically whoever invade their child’s privacy.
Yes absolutely, to change poor social behaviours it must start between age 4-7 where most of our structured societal learning is formed.
It doesn’t have to be sexual touch. Any unwanted touch has to be adddressed.
I have taught my son consent from birth, of course I haven’t told him about sexual consent. But more of like if we’re tickling/playing and he says stop we stop. If he doesn’t want a hug, we don’t make a stink out of it. That and just generally we keep our hands to ourselves.
We taught all of our kids that they get to decide if they want to hug people or be touched by people. We did not explicitly tie it to predators. We just modeled always asking. We also required them to ask before hugging each other or us by the time they were old enough to understand. Separately from the conversations about consent to touch, we had conversations during bath time about who touches your penis/vuvla. We taught them that only they touch their penis/vulva, usually while they were washing their genitals in the tub. And we called it our “important safety rule.” We also told them that if anybody ever touches them or asks to touch them, they should let us know so we can remind those people of our family’s important safety rule.
I teach sex and reproductive education. I do a whole seminar with parents about keeping kids safe from predators based on the teachings of an expert on childhood sexual abuse. Your friend is wrong. Keeping children ignorant doesn’t make their childhood better. It makes them vulnerable to predators. Convicted child predators have told experts on this subject that they explicitly look for victims who haven’t received any education about consent. They make better victims and are much more likely to keep the predator’s secret.
Sure, but I think kids learn better by observing you set healthy boundaries than getting lectured.
Yes
I think it’s very important to teach consent at a young age. These kids have a right to say yes or no to a hug, high five, fist bump, or whatever kind of touch they are comfortable with.
I wish I was taught consent at that age. I remember having to hug relatives at a young age that I didn’t want to hug.
Yes? And the proper biological terms for genitals, so if the worst happens they can be specific to police or a court instead of “peepaw pet my hoo ha”.
Someone else mentioned stranger danger but the majority of SA/molestation is done by family or family friends. Kids need the words to describe what we hope will not happen to them.
Uh yes obviously. Your friend is either making up a strawman or genuinely doesn’t understand what “age-appropriate explanations” are.
I work with pre-schoolers regularly, specifically in inclusion and special education environments. Yes, I 100%, cannot express how much I believe it is important to teach consent to children of that age.
They can definitely grasp the concept of their own bodily autonomy and the bodily autonomy of others (even if it takes some practice). It protects kids by letting them know that they can set boundaries and it teaches them how to vocalize when someone violates those boundaries.
Yes it’s a must. Because they are not immune to being abused or mistreated. Bad ppl won’t think twice about hurting a young child ( speaking from experience from my own childhood)
Your friend was being shitty. These conversations can be very personal and he probably wasn’t thinking about it from the perspective of your credentials (even if that is what he was attacking), he probably felt like the way his parents raised him was under attack and panicked because a lot of men are too emotional to be able to separate out emotions vs logical arguments in the heat of the moment, having very little experience in having to do so. Whereas women, especially professional women, have to prove all day long that we’re being rational and setting aside our emotions, so we’re a lot better at it.
It’s not even about sex, not for several years at least. Learning to ask if someone is ok with being hugged or if they have certain sensitivities to sound or certain foods for kids with autism is absolutely vital to making sure the people around you are comfortable. And that leads in to teaching little girls that it’s ok to say no, when the whole world is teaching them to sublimate their comfort and safety to please other people from a very young age. I think it’s so incredibly important.
Yes, in an age appropriate way.
Children also need to learn the correct names for the parts of their bodies.
“Your body belongs to you, and other people’s bodies belong to them. And we ask before we touch other people’s bodies because they get to decide what happens to their bodies.”
My coworker has been teaching her daughter that she can say no to hugs/physical contact she doesn’t want since she was basically old enough to speak.
Yes of course, consent isn’t only a sexual principle, it applies to everything bodily and psychological autonomy. Your friend is male, he doesn’t realize how girls are taken advantage of everyday and from a very young age.
The tea video is explaining it very simply, maybe something in that vein.
I absolutely do. I started as early as my kids could understand. Consent is not about scaring kids. It’s about education and awareness. I did a whole curriculum on this starting with 5 year olds. This is my body, I keep my body safe. I make choices to be safe. Adults should also help keep kids safe. We all have safe adults we can trust- we don’t keep secrets.
My kids can say no to hugs and kisses. My daughter will yell “no! Don’t touch me!” to her brother if he’s bothering her. I teach my son about consent when he asks for a hug or to hold a friends hand. They also know the anatomically correct terms for their bodies and about safety and privacy for their bodies as well.
Of course! It’s an incredibly basic concept that will serve them well all their lives. There are many resources on age-appropriate ways to teach your children that their bodies are their own and no one else is allowed to touch them without consent. This knowledge can make it a whole lot easier for them to discern if they are ever being assaulted and to speak up about it.
Yes. To the level if they don’t want to hug someone, that should be respected. And if someone tells them to stop touching them they have to respect that as well.
No need to go in depth on possible harm and trauma
It’s also not just about being picked up and such, but I remember watching my cousin for a short time when she was two, and she kept saying to me that only her mommy and daddy were allowed to change her diaper, and I think that’s an important thing to teach a child, that only certain people are allowed to do that.
Yes it should definitely be taught at an early age. It’s not even about making them feel like other people are dangerous and want to hurt them. It’s about being able to set your own boundaries about being touched by others or even having your space invaded. It’s about personal comfort, not just safety.
I teach the boundaries song for an introduction…
“Please stop. I don’t like that
I’m feeling uncomfortable.
I need more space
Not around me, don’t take it personally,
It’s just a boundary (That’s a boundary!)”
I was teaching consent even earlier than 5.
You don’t have to outright be all ‘strangers might rape you’ but I always did things like label their genitalia with the correct words so they had the correct language if they ever needed to explain anything that had happened to them, I always said things like ‘do you want to give granny a hug or a high five?’ So they had ownership of their actions and knew THEY had a say in how the interactions went, I explained that sometimes mummy and daddy might need to help them with things that might be embarrassing (like if there’s something medical going on I might need to look at your bum!) and that a doctor might need to as well, but that otherwise if something seemed uncomfortable then it was ok to say no, I taught them about private areas, and that if anyone made them feel uncomfortable about these areas they can come straight to a trusted adult (and we identified those trusted adults). Also read books about bodies from a very early age so they were comfortable discussing those things with me…. And also helped me because it can be weird to break through our own awkwardness when it comes to talking about our bodies.
The Robie H Harris book series is great because the books are about bodies at an age appropriate level, and when they get older you move to the next book.
What I have now are kids who are 100% comfortable talking to me about anything.
Thankfully we haven’t had any issues with inappropriate actions towards my kids, but I like to think if anything had or does happen, I’ve equipped them with the tools and the support system to minimise the damage.
As for non sex related, general keeping safe stuff, my kids have known my number off by heart since about 3/4 years old, and we’ve discussed what they need to do in different scenarios (like if you get lost you need to ask for help – first preference is a mother or if you’re at a store or something, an employee) and I’ve had them doing Jiu Jitsu since they were young as well. Managed to find a place that regularly holds sessions based around what to do if you’re being bullied or how to fight of an adult if you need to (eg if an adult is trying to force you to go somewhere, it’s better to get on the ground, kick at them with your legs and SCREAM). That sort of thing is best to practice rather than just discuss.
Edit: my kids are a bit older now (8-12) and now my focus is on answering questions with a little more detail/information than they need. I know it sounds weird, but I want them to know I will ALWAYS tell them the truth about anything. I’m trying to make sure they have a source of knowledge they can rely on that’s not their friends or the internet. Yes, there can be truth there as well but there’s also a lot of misinformation there as well (don’t get me started on what I’m doing for online literacy – that’s a whole other thing haha)
Edit 2: oh, and it’s also important to LISTEN when your kids say no! I ask if they want a hug, I don’t just hug them. And if they say no, no hug! My oldest doesn’t particularly like physical affection, especially kisses – I confirmed this with him and I don’t kiss him. It’s fine, no shame, it’s how he prefers it and I respect that (just as an example).
Yeah. I was a preschooler when my grandfather got handsy. I didn’t know how to verbalize it and only realized what was happening in adulthood.
I have a disability, and I went to a summer camp for kids with disabilities (as young as age 3). In an age-appropriate way, we were taught about “good touch” and “bad touch,” and how we had the right to say “no” and how we should tell someone if another adult tells us to keep something they’re doing a secret.
I can’t remember the details, but it was to ensure no one was abused. My sister does the same with her kids. As an aunt, I always ask for a hug, and if they say “no,” I respect that.
I was young in the ’90s, and my parents taught us never to go with strangers, to make a scene and fight back if someone tried to abduct us, etc. They were always honest about the dangers out there, but so we were aware.
Yes, absolutely.
Yes I’ve been teaching my 4 year old consent since she could understand hugging people. She is well aware that it’s appropriate to ask before hugging people and that she’s allowed to tell others she doesn’t want a huh. Does she always remember to ask before giving a hug to a friend at preschool? No, but she does more often than not.
Today I read a book to about 40 different kindergartners about this very thing. It was called ‘More Than Fluff’ and showed a baby chick that learned to tell people she did not want to be pet and cuddled all the time with polite and direct language. Nothing scary about it.
A lot of people have blind spots about things outside their lived experiences. That’s why so many otherwise nice men don’t understand daily vigilance for women, or mostly nice white folks who can’t se micro aggressions against non white folks, etc. It takes breaking certain habits of mind to believe other people have gone through something you haven’t.
Yep, I talked to my kids about consent in age appropriate terms
‘If someone wants you to play with them but you don’t want to play, you don’t have to’
‘Check in with your friend/brother – if they aren’t enjoying themselves, you need to stop and play a different game’