Do you consider it a redflag when someone does not believe a genuine friendship can exist between a man and a woman? why/why not?
Do you consider it a redflag when someone does not believe a genuine friendship can exist between a man and a woman? why/why not?
r/AskWomen
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It’s a huge red flag. To me, it suggests that for that person, women are only interesting if sex is a possibility, and if it’s not, they’re seen as boring or not worth engaging with. I’d never consider dating a man who doesn’t have any female friends.
I have many male friends myself, and my boyfriend was actually one of my best friends before we started dating.
I do, yeah.
First off, I have a ton of close guy friends. Some I had a physical history with, a lot that I didn’t. If someone believes that men and women can’t have a genuine friendship, then I would consider us incompatible because I just know they’d be weird and restrictive about the friendship over time.
Secondly, that reads to me that they equate all emotional intimacy to romantic partnerships. The emotional intimacy I have with my friends is different than what I share with a romantic partner. And if you restrict having a deep emotional friendship to just your same gender, then that’s a red flag.
Third and finally, it paints the whole gender with one brush and that’s not the fact of life. Men are not a hive mind. It also displaces trust in me and my ability to have reasonable and healthy boundaries in my friendship.
For sure.
Gives off a very “Women are only useful as a fleshlight/Men are only useful as a living dildo” vibe.
Also it makes me question if you genuinely don’t see half the human population as people.
There’s also a loneliness element to it, because if you honest to God cannot be friends with the gender that you’re attracted to without developing feelings for them, then that’s a big problem.
It’s not a red flag for me, it’s actually a green flag. I believe a man shouldn’t have female friends, just like a woman shouldn’t have male friends. In the long run, one of them almost always ends up catching feelings, even if it’s secretly. In my opinion, it also creates unnecessary complications in a relationship or marriage…
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It depends on the reasoning. Sometimes people only believe this because they’ve been hurt so deeply.
I have a cousin who believes this because he was cheated on twice in two consecutive serious relationships of 3-4 years. The girls both cheated with guys that he thought were just friends. It’s not right to carry over trauma into your future relationships but sometimes it just runs too deep.
He’s made it a hard boundary and his wife happened to agree so they’re fine.
Personally I would never date a guy who doesn’t let me have guy friends but I have seen how people come to have that opinion so I do get why.
Yeah.
I’m bisexual, and I’d have a problem if I couldn’t be friends with someone with a gender I may be attracted to. As far as I am concerned, the whole rationale that you can’t be friends with the opposite gender is heteronormative and sexist.
Yes. Because bi people exist and by that logic they shouldn’t be allowed any friends.
Friendship is completely okay. My man’s bestie is a very sweet woman and I like her too. When she visited us in our city, he took her out the whole day by himself ( I had to work) and they had a great time. Complete trust.
What I don’t like is emotional attachment where you don’t talk about your partner or ignore that they exist, but share your deep feelings and wants. When speaking with another person (of any gender really) (Like not bringing up the fact that you’re taken).
Oh so to answer your question, I wouldn’t label it a red flag directly, without understanding the underlying motivation as to why the person thinks the way they think.
100%. I won’t be friends with such a person, won’t trust them around people in general.
i definitely do consider it one cause this means basically, that when the person meets someone of the opposite sex, usually i would say its more-so men that say this idk i’m just gonna say its a guy for sake of the example: he would meet women and only really sort them into “hot” or “dont care/pointless to be friends with”.
a lot of people say the reason is eventually one person would fall in love, but i’m not f-in buying that these people – usually not less superficial than other people – would just end up falling for whoever. there isn’t that much overlap with the tiny community of “oh looks dont matter to me at all actually, like at a l l”. so first of all you are saying you don’t even see why you’d be friends with women in general.
then the other problem to me, if you have the unfortunate stance that you think if she i s hot you have no other chance than if you’re “friends” eventually falling for her: what you’re telling me then is that you could fall for every hot girl there is if she’s nice. there are so many different types of people, usually there are supposed to be reasons why your friends are your friends and not your lovers that include their character.
and lastly i don’t want a relationship with anyone who doesn’t also see me as a friend, otherwise thats where the problems start. if they see you as a friend, they don’t try to make you do extramuch work in the household using weaponized incompetence, they don’t resent you and go out with the bros late at night never together with you and prioritize them, ..
Huuuuge red flag. As an excellent tumblr post once said, a man’s female friends are his warranty. No warranty? Then he’s a risk.
A woman who believes it is also a problem as it suggests she’ll also be jealous and paranoid about normal, non sexual non romantic interactions between her partner and his female acquaintances or coworkers or even family members.
Huge red flag. Every excuse I’ve heard is a lame one. I have male friends I’d never look twice at in any way but platonic, one of which I’ve known since age 6 or 7 and we’re in our 30s now.
If someone can’t imagine ppl being just friends, I’d question how they view/approach friendship. I’d also question if they’re insecure.
Yes, 100%. I consider it a red flag when a guy does not have at least one close platonic female friend. It makes me wonder ‘what is this guy really like that women do not want to hang out with him in a social setting’.
Maybe it’s just me, but I also think it’s a green flag if a guy has remained platonic friends with an ex, or someone they used to fancy. It shows they value women beyond sex.
I find it incredibly immature when people say ‘men and women can’t be friends’. It’s usually just them parroting what someone else has said, or they got fucked over by someone pretending to be their friend (eg a ‘niceguy’) or they fell in love with someone who didn’t return the feelings. By claiming this, you are discounting 50% of the world’s population as potential friends.
Not even starting on bi-erasure. Or, personally, what about gender-nonconforming people like myself? Am I just supposed to have zero friends? Or all the friends? Only friends with people who have the same external genitalia as me? Do I get potential buddies to drop their keks so I can see their bits? What about my trans friends? Do I just pretend my non-binary mates have evaporated?
I don’t think it’s necessarily a red flag, but it can definitely raise some interesting questions. I mean, it really depends on the people involved. Some people might have experiences or beliefs that make them think that way, while others might just see it as possible and natural. I think it’s all about trust and respect in the friendship, regardless of gender.
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Yes absolutely, not only in a romantic sense but as a person. It shows they think the of the opposite gender in a sexual lens, and unable to see beyond gender to see them as a person.
Yeah. It could mean that they’re lowkey hypersexual.
If it’s a man saying it, it lets me know that he can’t be friends with any woman he doesn’t want to fuck. It tells me that he, like lots of other men, will only treat a woman with basic decency if he thinks she’s hot.
If a woman says it, it tells me that she has dealt with lots of those kinds of men and is exasperated.
Yes, to me that’s a red flag and a signal the person perceives folks from their preferred gender mostly as something to sleep with.
As a bisexual person, I don’t feel attracted to every human being on earth. And the friends I hold dear are the same.
No, my male friends aren’t secretly wishing to sleep with me. They aren’t attracted to me and I’m not attracted to them.
And I’m not wanting to sleep with my female friends either. We’re friends. And that’s wonderful!
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Yes.
It shows that that person is only capable of relating to others in terms of their sexual desirability and availability, rather than as fully-formed human beings.
No, because I’m bisexual, and by that logic I’m not allowed to be friends with anyone
My best friend is a man. It has always been strictly platonic, and we’ve been besties since 2000. I told my current partner when we first started talking that I had a male bestie, and if that made him uncomfortable, to let me know so we could cut things off before they got any bit serious.
For the same reason as many others have mentioned, women and men exist for more than just sex and are fully capable of maintaining a platonic relationship without it ever going any further.
Yes. It screams insecurity and “I have trust issues cause my ex cheated on me and now I have to control who you are friends with” I’ve seen a lot of women with this mentality just as much as men or even more and it’s super toxic. It’s one thing if your partner is shady(you shouldn’t be with anyone you don’t trust) but so many good people get abused by these false, unfounded accusations and toxicity. I’m a girls girl but that shit really bothers me as I have 2 close male friends and I would get mad if I got accused of doing anything and assumed there was a sexual aspect to my close friend group where we are all bonded by traumatic events and are really close.
I’ve heard multiple men say that exact same thing and ALL of them tried hitting on their female friends. ALL of them pretend to be friends with women to get in their pants. ALL of them get upset when their “friend” doesn’t want more. NONE of THEM were real friends. It’s just projection. They think every man is just like them. The men I know who DIDN’T say that, have real friendships with women, that they don’t overstep. Yes it’s a red flag, it means they can’t see women as people, and they assume other guys can’t.
Not a red flag. We all know what’s going on when theres a guy on there that’s obviously interested and it’s kinda comforting knowing that even if it’s the endgame, we won’t end up alone.
Yes. It means that they do not believe in the equal humanity and capacity of humans regardless of their gender and hold prejudices and stereotypes about humans based on their gender.
That’s a red flag for me. People of all genders and sexualities can be platonic friends together. Someone who doesn’t believe in that instead believes stereotypes and generalizations that I find inappropriate.
Depends. If a man says it, it just lets me know that he is incapable of viewing women in a platonic way and forming connections that are not sexual/romantic. Definitely a red flag.
However, a lot of women who say it are often ones who had to deal with their male friends ruining the friendship by making a move, confessing feelings and making things uncomfortable. Some of them don’t handle rejection well.
Also, I have seen men talk about this too and many of them do say that they would sleep with their female friends if the opportunity came up. If you are an attractive woman, it is likely that your male friends would sleep with you. It is rare to find a male friend who genuinely respects you and values you as a person without wanting anything sexual.
Yes. It’s very closed minded and makes a bitter generalization. Men and women can have genuine friendships, as long as there either weren’t any romantic feelings to begin with or any romantic feelings one or both of them had can be set aside.
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Yes. My frequent question to them is if they think genuine friendship can exist between bisexual and anyone.
Yeah, and I’d also consider it a red flag if they only have friends of the opposite sex too. I think well rounded people can have friends of both sexes.
Yes, it’s a clear sign to me that the individual either has not thought about this topic beyond his balls needs, or does not value people for who they are, just what he can get out of them. Same goes for women with this opinion. Most of them were pick-me’s.
I love to have meaningful friendships that are not skin deep. It is harder to maintain with men, but once you get over the sexual tension/expectations and can clearly identify exactly what role you fill in each others lives, then you gain an equal. Now THAT’S rare.
From a man? Yes. From a woman? Nope!!!
But the truth is most men (especially young ones) don’t have friends that they aren’t sexually attracted to because they don’t deem them worthy of their time unless they are. Gross I know.
Not to say you can’t have a genuine friendship but if the opportunity came up for sex would they do it…. That’s the question we need to ask here!!
I would consider having such a black and white view of friendships like that in general a red flag.
That being said, I don’t think it’s necessarily toxic for say, two married ppl, to have clear boundaries on how those friendships get prioritized.
The amount of ppl I read on here that are stuck in the dumbest situations bc they are trying sooo hard to be “mature” and “not jealous or toxic”, meanwhile their partner and their “bestie” are treating them like a 3rd wheel. It’s silly to pretend you don’t notice sketchy behavior or to ignore ur own intuition.
If I get romantically involved with a man and he’s already warning me about his friendship with his girl bestie and how important that friendship is, sorry but I would immediately recoil. Maybe that’s a me thing, but I just don’t see how I need to force myself to be involved in that at all.
I wish we could all just be friends and for those boundaries to never be crossed, but unfortunately, that’s not the word we live in and cheating is unfortunately rampant. You can’t control other people, but you can control what kind of situation you allow yours to be in. I just wouldn’t date a guy, who has a “close” female best friend. If that makes me old school or toxic, honestly so be it.
This would also highly depend on what is normally in character for your partner. Like my husband is a homebody through and through. He is very friendly with everyone and well liked at work, but would dread the idea of having to hang out outside of work with any of them. If suddenly he started hanging out with Sally, getting lunch together, calling her “work bestie”? Yea that would set alarm bells and trumpets in my head. And mainly bc it would be so out of character for him.
The same would apply if he was bisexual. How long has he had those friendships, how is our committed romantic relationship being prioritized, IS there sketchy behavior going on? What do those dynamics look like and how does our romantic relationship fit in with all that, etc… all that would determine if we are compatible and if there is no compatibility, I don’t believe in changing that person’s whole life to make me feel comfortable. I would just walk away.
the thing is, if i don’t have male friends I don’t want my partner to have female friends i don’t care what flag that is but yeah
Every man I know who said that, was a serial cheater. However, I’ve also known men who claim to have a ton wo women friends..who are also serial cheaters..so I guess you can’t win either way
Absolutely a red flag. It screams insecurity and a total lack of emotional maturity. I have several close guy friends from college and my husband hangs out with them too.
Yes. My best friend is a man. He’s hot af but I can’t even imagine being actually attracted to him, because our platonic bond is so strong.
In my mind it should be possible and I’m able to. For me it’s a huge red flag if a person says it isn’t possible from the get go. For me it never worked out and my guyfriend always ended up interested. At this point maybe it’s more possible for women than for men. Idk but let’s not give up hope I guess.
It’s case by case for me, personally. Have I hardlined my husband by saying I don’t want you being friends with this ex coworker? Yes. She loves to talk about her sex life with him at work on their alone overnights. Asked for a looot of favors and called him all the time. It made me feel uneasy so I told him and he stopped communicating with her.
Does he have other female friends, yes. Most I know, some I don’t. Hasn’t been an issue since.
Yep, huge red flag.
Yes. Like what a lot of people says it reduced women to sex object and nothing more.
On a personal level, I have a lot of platonic male friends. Someone who thought it not possible would be a world of jealousy and drama.
Yes because it means that they think very little of either men or women.
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Absolutely a red flag. Even if we completely set aside the full spectrum of sexuality—including LGBTQIA+ folks—this mindset is still rooted in deep insecurity and control. Man or woman, if someone feels threatened by their partner having friends of the opposite gender, that says a lot more about them than it does about anyone else.
If someone wants to cheat, they will. You can’t micromanage fidelity. But more importantly, friendships come in all shapes and emotional depths. To say a man and woman can’t be friends is insulting to both genders—like we’re all just walking hormones incapable of basic respect and boundaries.
Also, why is this only ever applied to straight friendships? I never hear people panic over a guy having gay friends or a woman being friends with lesbians. It’s selective paranoia.
And let’s be real: people who push this idea often reveal more about themselves than they intend to. They’ve wanted their “friends” before, so they assume everyone else is playing the same shady game. It’s projection dressed up as morality.
Absolutely, yeah. Shows that they think men and women are more different than similar, which means they have vastly different values, politics, and emotional intelligence levels from me.
Edited to add: It also tends to mean that they think about the world in a very cisgender-and-heterosexually-oriented way, which also is not compatible with me.
I do! I have male friends and even friends that believe that and it’s just mind boggling to me. I have to assume they only think about sexual compatibility when they meet someone of the opposite sex. Is it really that uncommon to only have platonic feelings for someone???
Well, what is a genuine friendship? I think most heterosexual men will have a crush on their female friends, so the friendship will never be strictly platonic. You can have a good friendship, however. Anyways when people say it is not genuine, I think they simply mean it will never be 100% platonic. Which is true for a lot of heterosexual men.