Hello everyone 🙂
I thought that I should ask in this subreddit to see how you all handle this based on your experience.
So do you prefer to talk things out immediately?
Or do you usually wait until both of you are calmer or less busy before having the conversation?
Does you SO had the same thought on this?
Comments
Both . If I’m calm and ready to talk then then I do . If I’m pretty worked up then I ask for an hour to calm down and gather my thoughts and then we can talk .
Really depends on the person and your dynamic. I’m an immediate-solver. I’ve been with a lot of “go away and think about it for a bit” people. Ultimately you’ve got to strike a balance which doesn’t make people feel shut out or rushed, respectively!
Really as long as you both know each others’ preferences and explain your actions, things go much better
I have to have time to calm down and put my thoughts together. But I do come back to the issue. Mostly I try to identify the actual problem, and how it can be solved. If it’s not me with the problem, I make a point to actively listen, ask clarifying questions if needed, and try to find the solution.
I have a tendency to think out what I want to say about why I’m upset and address it shortly after, when we’re alone and have the time to have a discussion. I do generally make some indication that I’m upset right away, but he waits for me to work out what I’m thinking and feeling. It’s usually not more than a few hours.
But we don’t really argue much. And we went to counseling to learn how to do it productively.
Usually we talk it out fairly quickly. Since I could be hothead in past relationships if I felt great injustice was done to me, I sometimes had to move in the opposite direction to calm down a little first. Luckily my current boyfriend of almost a decade now is himself very honest and open so I’ve not had such reactions towards him. We both prefer to not let things get to a point where they become confrontational or explosive in the first place by bluntly and openly stating when something the other said has been hurtful or otherwise.
we are both rational thinkers. so we prefer to solve things right away, together, as calm and logical as possible.
Me – right away. Him – when the time is right. There is usually a aftershock argument and then we move past it. Super frustrating.
Generally would let us both calm down a bit, then talk it out.
For my emotional comfort I would prefer to “talk things out” in the spot.
But my partner is often not calm enough to do it, and expecting her to do that would be insensitive or even cruel.Â
So we wait a bit, we settle on emotional baseline, even if the issue is not yet solved on material level.
And I had to have years of auto discovery and regulation, to fight my avoidance tendencies and to face conflict openly.Â
And she had to learn to disarm her combative tendencies.Â
It is always work in progress.Â
It entirely depends on the extenuating circumstances. There are some arguments we have which aren’t as emotionally charged or “start right” (for lack of a better word) that we can maintain.
As soon as we begin escalating however, it’s game over and we take time and figure it out another time within a few days or so.
Sometimes I need time to articulate my thoughts in the most accurate manner. Please wait, system loading.
I need time to cool off and find the right words. I think my partner would prefer to solve immediately but he’s very accommodating and never pushes.
Depends on the topic and how we’re both feeling. We never have really argued though because thankfully we have a similar mindset on many things. Just some minor disagreements or agree to disagree kinda thing.
However I am definitely more of a sleep on it person. Nothing good can happen from a conversation when emotions are riled up and the person is clearly the ‘I need to gather my thoughts first’ type. It can go sour so quick.
Very few arguments are won, or minds changed, in the moment. I mean, neither of those things happens all that often at all, they require a sustained effort and clear communication.
Don’t confuse this with avoidance, but recognize that making big leaps takes lots of small steps. Make your point and get out.
I tend to get so angry that I can’t be rational, so I definitely prefer time to cool off before talking. My bf is the opposite. Every problem has to be fixed NOW! I understand his point of view because it’s a terrible feeling when things are off with your partner. It has caused us to butt heads more than a few times over the years, but he has gotten better at giving me space over time. We have been together for 11 years, so we must be doing something right.