In the past month I have had to tell MIL not to
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pick up our kids from daycare without our permission
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not to attempt to take them to her place without hubby and I there for alone time
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not to enter our house while we were away (see previous post about oiling deck)
I’m trying to go low contact and set boundaries. Do I just do it or do I go over there and tell her these are what my boundaries are. The reasoning for wanting to talk to her is we have been distancing ourselves and she is continuing to do these things. She clearly doesn’t understand we need distance and that this behaviour is not on
I want to be very clear with her that this behaviour is inappropriate and if you do it there will be consequences. Hubby of course just wants to play nice and keep her at arms length without saying anything
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Other posts from /u/kiwigirlie:
MIL tried to oil deck while we were away, 3 days ago
The Cow Incident, 5 days ago
Update on MILs Bday Party, 2 weeks ago
MILs 60th Bday, 2 weeks ago
I feel really defeated right now, 3 weeks ago
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I’d sit her down and tell her your boundaries, AND what the consequences are for breaching them. If you don’t, she’ll use the “I didn’t know” rhetoric. Hubby wants to play nice? Nope, he needs to get on board with ALL your boundaries AND with said consequences.
If someone doesn’t know they are violating boundaries then changing their behavior will take longer. Plus, it gives her the cop-out that she didn’t know any better. It provides you the opportunity to inform her of consequences, too, which is important. The hard part will be following up seeing as how your DH wants to be passive. You both need to be on the same page or this will affect your relationship very quickly.
Those aren’t things that need to be told. Who in their right mind goes to pick up someone else’s kid from school/daycare without the parent’s permission ? You do realize that’s kidnapping, right ?
This doesn’t need low contact. This needs no contact with you and the kids, and if your husband can’t deal with this, too damn bad for him.
Make sure daycare, and later school, knows that your MIL is not on the authorized list and if they see her around, they need to call right away.
Change your locks. Set up cameras. Keep record of everything you can of those kind of behaviours.
Get your husband in couple’s counselling and talk to laywer to know how else you can legally prevent your MIL from being around your kids and prepare a divorce if your husband refuses to understand that his mother’s actions are highly innappropriate.
Both. Your verbal declarations are requests. Behaviours are the boundaries being enforced. I also think your husband should be doing the communicating.
I like the previous comments of letting JNMIL what the consequences are as well.
At this point, I’ve abdicated all communications with my JNMIL to my husband.
Your situation is different as she seems to live close; her behaviour has now become a safety issue.
Put it in writing either text or email. Focus on behaviors, especially if there is a pattern. State the impact her behavior is having on your family af relationship with her. Be clear, firm, and stick to facts. Let her know the consequences going forward. Set a day months away she can anticipate you visiting with her AS A FAMILY. And then go from there.
“Picking our children up from daycare without our consent or knowledge is kidnapping. This is unacceptable and not only disrespectful, but criminal. This violated our trust in you with our children. You will not be seeing our children without us present until you earn our trust back. Each time you violate a boundary going forward, we will be blocking you and refusing to see you for a month.”
Edit: words
Husband texts her the boundaries. Then you give consequences when she breaks them, and eliminate opportunities for her to break them.
For example, you can tell the daycare she’s not allowed to pick them up, and you can not allow her to have your children unsupervised. Then she cannot break the first two boundaries. If she shows up to daycare, then you enforce consequences. A time out, etc.
For point 3, you get cameras, change the locks, and then enforce consequences when she shows up and tries to get into your house without permission.
If you’re unwilling to not let her have your kids unsupervised, then you need to at least tell the daycare she’s only allowed to take the kids when you’ve explicitly said and at a certain time. Then you enforce consequences when she takes them somewhere they’re not supposed to go, or shows up to pick them up when she’s not allowed to.
Boundaries without consequences are just suggestions.
ETA-If she’s getting your children and taking them somewhere, I’d be telling her I’m calling the police.
You definitely need to have an official conversation if she is nutty enough to check your kids out of daycare without permission… if my mother or MIL did such I would remove them from the checkout list and emergency contact list. I would then follow up with the school or daycare to let them know the children aren’t to be released to her.
Text and/or email the boundaries along with their specific consequences to her so that she has it in writing and can’t say she never knew. Take away her ability to deny that she was informed. And spell out the consequences for failing to abide by them. Everyone in the thread is right, boundaries without consequences are just suggestions.
She will totally flip out, and that’s her problem.
Your DH will want to fold like a lawn chair to keep mommy happy. That’s his problem.
You are protecting your children, your mental health, and your marriage. You can do this!