I (31F) have been dating my boyfriend (33M) for the past year and a half. He’s a nurse with a master’s degree, and I’m a medical doctor. We’re very happy together, we get along great and my friends like him.
I hid the relationship from my mom (58F) because she’s the kind of person who always comments on a man’s profession and education level; she does it with her friends, relatives, everyone. She was married to my dad who only had a high school diploma, while she has a master’s degree. She partly blames the difference in education for their divorce.
About a week ago, I finally told her I have a boyfriend. Since then, our relationship has been terrible. She’s extremely disappointed that I, as a doctor, am dating a nurse. She calls me every day, crying for half an hour, begging me to break up with him. She says she’s ashamed, that my colleagues will make fun of me, that relationships where the woman is “more educated” are doomed to fail because the man secretly hoolds that against the woman, and that my choice of partner shows I’m socially and emotionally immature.
She doesn’t care to know what he’s like as a person or how he treats me. Right now, she only knows his profession, nothing else and stops me when I start explaining how he is as a person.
TL;DR: I’m a doctor dating a nurse I’ve been with for 1.5 years, and my mom is devastated because she thinks his “lower” education level means our relationship is doomed. She calls daily to cry and tell me to break up, without caring about who he is as a person. Is there a chance in convincing her to accept my choice?
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
You can’t fix your mom. I understand you want to but it’s impossible. You can only distance yourself from her for your own good.
Sounds like your mom has a hard time taking any sort of responsibility for her failes relationship and hides it behind an educational requirement. The truth is she would of been as likely to get divorced by a rocket scientist or a wallmart manager. Some of the kindest smartest people dont have degrees due to reasons out of there control. Just keep doing what your doing and set boundaries to walk away if she keeps bringing it up.
Your mom is absolutely ridiculous, tell her she needs to mind her business if she can’t be supportive. She’s looking at titles, instead of character. Which makes her an AH. Be happy and live your life.
Your mom is your mom. You can’t change her fundamentally
At best for right now screen her calls. Let them go to voicemail and give yourself a break from crying calls
Text her and let her know until she can talk rationally about this, that you don’t want to talk about it anymore with her
“I’ve met him and you haven’t. This isn’t your decision. I’m willing to talk to you about anything else, but you’ve said a lot more than you have evidence for about my boyfriend. Enough.”
You can try redirecting her to other subjects and you’ll probably need to say goodbye and hang up when she starts talking about him until she gets the message. I am not certain she’ll get the message.
“Mom, the only person in my life who considers this a problem, let alone is making my life harder because of it, is you. I don’t need you to like it, but I need you to accept it’s my decision, and the decision has been made. I don’t want to have to block or avoid you if that’s not enough to get you to quit harassing me over this, but you’re really not leaving me much choice.”
Your mom is a snob. And if she’s always commenting on a person’s profession and education level that definitely had an impact on her divorce because her husband knew she looked down on him.
Unfortunately you cannot change her. She needs to learn on her own that trust and mutual respect are the cornerstones of a successful relationship. What you do need to do now is shut her down and preve her from from scaring away your boyfriend like she did your dad. Give her one final warning that your relationship and boyfriend are not up for debate. If she cannot accept that, you will block her until she has apologised.
Sometimes it’s only when they are faced with the consequences that bullies stop. And what your mom is doing right now is bullying.
A 31 year old who is both emotionally and mentally mature enough for a career in medicine is certainly grown and accomplished enough to recognize that her mommy’s bigoted opinions haven’t mattered at all for a very long time. If you are enjoying your relationship with this guy because he treats you the way you want a partner to treat you, that’s all that matters. The whole idea behind being grown is accepting that we get to do what we want for ourselves. Your mom clearly does not want you to be happy and I need you to recognize that your patience deserve the sort of advocate who doesn’t fall for that kind of mistreatment.
You’re 30. You’re a licensed professional who finished a gazillion hours of school and residency. Time to start acting like it.
You can’t convince her to move past it, and you shouldn’t be trying to. You don’t need her approval to date this guy.
You can start by telling her that you aren’t prepared to discuss your relationship with her, and if necessary you’ll end the call. And then do it. Stop picking up if it continues.
Please also think about the fact that you’re 31, a working professional, and you’re allowing your mother to try and control who you date. And that you were too afraid to tell her about the relationship, for over a year. That isn’t healthy. You need to establish some boundaries so that she doesn’t bulldoze you for the rest of your life. See a therapist if you need to.
Best of luck. Your new guy sounds lovely 💜
Maybe remind your mom that there are few men out there more educated than a medical doctor and this is why, short of the lateral move of marrying another doctor, the pressure to “marry up” leaves many educated women alone. Women make up a sizable percentage of the educated elite now and men have been losing ground in these sectors. So not all of you are going to be able to find a man who’s more successful than you are. But the good news is that this success enables you to date/marry for things other than financial security. You and your educated female cohort have the luxury of marrying for love.
You’re far too enmeshed with your mom if that is even a conversation you entertain. There is no chance to convince her, but there is a chance for you to get firmer boundaries and healthier self-esteem if you go to therapy.
It’s staggering that you didn’t shut your mother down the first time she called, allowing the crying for half an hour, and begging you to break up with him. Let alone allowing it to continue for a week!
Text her, tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable and to not contact you until she can calmly accept your relationship.
Enabling her behaviour will only make it worse. She should have learned a long time ago that actions have consequences!
Your mother is an idiot
Maybe an unpopular opinion and based on where I live but in my country it did turn out to be a truthful opinion your mom has that some relationships fail because a woman is more educated than a man and especially if she earns more (not sure if that’s the case here). Men do hold it against women more often than not, knowingly or not. In their universe that somehow makes them less manly. It might not be true about your relationship but it also is something you don’t know about until he shows up all frustrated. So keep up with the relationship if it makes you happy but don’t reject her opinion entirely. She wants the best for you and speaks from experience but she’s overreacting. And you’re a grown up so you get to choose your relationships and partners and also deal with situations that come up in life and I would just tell her that.
Grey rock her and go live your life, you can’t change her but you can choose freedom and happiness. What fancy profession does she hold? How many millions does she have in the bank? Gander and goose…
That’s crazy. My wife has two masters degrees and I have a just a BS. I make more money than she does. It doesn’t matter to me that she suffered through more school than I did. It didn’t bother me when she made more money than I did. She resents me for being able to work from home now and she is stuck in a building all day. Do what makes you happy.
No, you can’t convince her. But what you can do is simply hang up the phone if she starts any sort of conversation about how you can do better. If you’re in person, leave or ask her to leave if she starts. It’s called a boundary. You can’t change her but you can choose what you accept into your life.
Nope. Not allowed. She needs to be happy that her daughter is happy. He has a masters degree. What more does she want? This is very shallow of her. He saves people’s lives. EVERY.SINGLE.SHIFT. She needs an education on what nurses do.
I’d tell her she can get on board or she can keep her thoughts to herself. You don’t want to hear it. And if she can’t do that, I’d nit be speaking to her. This is obviously a long term relationship with the possibility of going further so she needs to get used to it and over it or be ready to lose her daughter.
Your mom is rather superficial and she won’t change. This is who she is. I get she’s your mom but really she isn’t a good person. She views others with less education as less than and that’s disgusting. Looks like you’re not going to have much contact with her. Why you allow her to cry to you about the same thing over and over again is enabling her to
So your mom who is divorced is going to tell you who is good to marry ? Make that make sense
You’re a 31 year old doctor. A woman in a typically/formerly male dominated field. Surely you don’t buy into gender stereotypes. And surely you’re strong, smart, and independent enough not to GAF what your mother thinks.
Haters gonna hate. You know your partner and respect him. That’s what matters.
Theres no sense arguing with idiots – they drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience – but masters-level nursing is a highly educated profession by any standard and one with an extremely important role in health care.
Your mom is way out of line. I’m a male nurse and married the director of operations in the southwest for a very large healthcare company…money and education have zero to do with happiness.
Sounds like she’s deeply unhappy with her own life…thank you Dr for all you do. Tough job, you need peace outside of work. You mom needs to mind her own business.
You can’t convince her. You CAN treat her accordingly.
“Mom. This is inappropriate and snobbish behaviour. I will not entertain these conversations any more. I would be happy to talk to you about other subjects and you can be kind and courteous about my boyfriend.”
Then the next time she says ANYTHING about it, you end the call immediately. Not even a word, just hang up instantly.
Perhaps she’s trainable.
You are an adult and your mom is being ridiculous. She can either accept this relationship or see herself out of your life. It’s time to stop letting her opinion matter so much to you. Tell her you’ll be ending the conversation with her the minute she starts in on this.
Stop taking your mom’s calls. Tell her to suck it up. She’s acting like a child.
Stop going to the hardware store for milk.
Your mom is dumb as hell. A nurse (with a master’s degree) isn’t educated enough? Your mom needs to get her head checked and be sure she’s thinking straight
“Mom, just to clarify, I’m not asking for your permission, I’m telling you what I’m doing. Your choice is either to play nice or shut up.”
Your mom is a terrible person who needs therapy to deal with her issues. Stop answering her calls. Take a break from her. And don’t ever ask your boyfriend to spend time with her.
Not your problem. INFO is mom an immigrant by chance, making you first generation? I’ve seen this frequently with friends in that position, please know that the broader culture does not care.
Honey. I don’t think your parents failed because your dad wasnt a doctor. It was because your mom valued the wrong things
You may never convince her to move past it. You have to convince yourself that you don’t care.
Stop giving audience to her judgemental and narrow minded histronics.
Your mom sounds absolutely delightful.
You are kidding, right? You are 31 not 15. It is none of your mom’s business who you date. Stop catering to superficial people, even if they are related.
Why do you entertain her behaviour though? If she’s calling you crying for half an hour, why answer? If she thinks you are socially and emotionally immature, why do her opinions about your relationship matter when she obviously looks at you and your relationship thru darkly tinted glasses? It’s not going to change and very likely not gunna improve. Which is more important to you – your relationship and mental health or a relationship with your obviously bias and uncaring mother? Cause sounds like those things don’t go hand in hand.
You need to set boundaries with your mom. You are far into adulthood now. She will always treat you how she wants as long as she gets away with it. Stand up for your partner and set and uphold a clear boundary with your mom. Be ready to defend that boundary even when she cries or makes you feel uncomfortable
You’re adult enough and smart enough to become a doctor. You don’t need your mother’s permission on who you date. You don’t need her approval. And you know her behavior is outlandish. Act like you have some sense and don’t worry about changing her mind. Draw a boundary.
Are you dating your mom?
Your mom can f*** off, and don’t you forget it. Tell your mom it’s time she goes and get therapy, because she’s projecting her own issues and problems onto your relationship, things that she never cleared up with your dad and necessitated their divorce. But you are not her, she should get her nose out of your business, and she should stop projecting her biases and insecurities onto everyone including you, her friends, and relatives.. every blah blah blah she says, you respond No mom that’s just you, not everyone.
Tell her it makes it so obvious that these are her issues, that it should embarrass her that she projects like this, and it’s time she gets them through a therapist where she can clear them up instead of broadcasting her issues to everybody.
Good men are hard to find, and a man who is willing to go against the biases of society by being a male nurse is even more of a keeper if he’s great in all the other ways.
Congratulations on your relationship, and tell your mom to butt out and that is non-negotiable. Maybe have a pre-discussion with her on how this needs to go or else. after that, hang up every time she starts crying or says any of this. Time for you to retrain her to the modern reality, or she can b**** to a therapist.
You’re 31. Let the relationship be terrible. Ignore her and live your life. You can’t change her, but you can change how you react. Ignore her calls and messages and tell her that it’s final and you won’t talk to her about it anymore.
If you don’t care, you don’t care.
Your mom doesn’t like or respect you. Stop taking her calls. You don’t need to entertain this shit.
LMAO! All the members of my family who went to college are doing well. All the members of my family who didn’t go to college are doing fantastically!! They might not have ever stayed up all night writing research papers, but they’re wealthy beyond anything I will ever attain with my little ole’ degree!! How exhausting, OP! I am so sorry you have to deal with this!
You don’t. It’s her choice whether she wants to accept what you, a grown adult, want to do with your life.
If she chooses not to accept it then obviously she will just have to live the rest of her life without you. Dramatic but that’s her choice to make.
It’s not your job to change your lifestyle, wants, needs etc. to suit her. You are entitled to live your own life. It is slightly worrying that your mum apparently doesn’t think that this is the case. Having a parent who infantilises you is deeply disturbing and frankly unacceptable, so maybe it is better for you as well to have some distance from her.
I’m sorry that your mum is emotionally immature but it isn’t your job to fix or accommodate it.
>She was married to my dad who only had a high school diploma, while she has a master’s degree. She partly blames the difference in education for their divorce.
She is projecting her insecurities to ruin your relationship as well. Tell her decisively that the relationship may or may not work out. But the level of education has nothing to do with that. Neither it had anything to do with her marriage not working out.
You are an adult, right?
Date who you want and ignore your mother. You are dating for love not a financial transaction. Your mother would be upset if you were dating a plumber or a builder. She’s a snob.
Don’t even try to get her to move past it. Let her do her own thing and just make sure your partner knows you are team nurse and will always have his back. Just make sure you do it to your mother when she says anything. “Mom I’m dating them, not you. If you want a rich husband go marry one. Don’t bother ne about it though.”
Don’t waste anymore energy trying to convince her otherwise.
Tell your mom that you’re disappointed in her. That she raised you to respect a person, not a profession.
You don’t. That’s the job of the therapist she’ll never meet.
This is your life not your mother’s. If you’re happy, ignore your mother. Your mom is worried about appearances and is a snob.
you’re not gonna change your mother is. Quit taking the calls, and when you do talk to her if she starts in on who you were dating in the conversation immediately by either hanging up or leaving. Set some boundaries and stick to them.
All you can do is tell her to accept it and respect your choice or you will have to distance yourself from her. Also stop placating her. When she calls and starts crying tell you to stop or you will hang up and she can try again in two weeks. She needs therapy, but as a Doctor I am sure you know you can’t help those that won’t help themselves.
So, if it was a male doctor dating a female nurse, that would be acceptable. She’s a “Job snob” and just needs to get over it. Draw your boundaries and stick to them.
Your mom’s bias is her issue not yours. A and your happiness matters more than her outdated stereotypes. Set firm boundaries and this isn’t up for debate. Love isn’t about titles it’s about partnership. Stand your ground.
It’d be interesting to know your father’s side on the whole divorce thing. I bet he got tired of being told he was an inferior nobody because the Masters Degree “queen” was too good for him.
Your mother is looney tunes. If she wants to torture herself over this, that’s her problem. Don’t make it your problem too.