I will surely bring this up during my next therapy appointment, in the mean time I’m curious how others feel. I’m 32 for reference.
I often times feel like when I’m trying to connect with others, whether it’s making light conversation at work or simply greeting another person, that they seem put off by me. I’m a friendly person, I will smile and say hello if I walk by you, but often times I feel like I don’t get that in return. And then I feel like something about me may be off putting.
I’m not a social butterfly, but I will be friendly and welcoming if I’m interacting with you, or we’re crossing paths. I’m trying to be more of an extrovert and come out of my shell, but it’s tough when I assume most people don’t like me.
I begin to question if I seem weird, or perhaps my mannerisms are awkward. Maybe I don’t seem adult enough. I’m sure my self-esteem plays a role in this.
Does anyone else feel this way sometimes? Or a lot? Any insight or advice on how to not feel this way is welcomed!
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Yeah, this has been a lifelong struggle for me and it’s definitely directly related to childhood trauma in my case. Trauma therapy addressing those original wounds has been helpful, but I don’t know that the problem will ever go away entirely, as it feels like part of how my brain is wired at this point.
Without actually knowing you, it’s hard to say whether it’s mostly social anxiety (likely mostly in your head and negative self talk) or if you have mannerisms that might be awkward or off-putting. It could be a bit of both. You could also just work with grumpy or non-sociable people, but if it’s everyone you try to connect with, it’s more likely some combination of the former two options.
I’m not naturally socially aware and don’t have much anxiety to speak of so I have the opposite problem… i dont notice at all when I’m being offputting until someone actually tells me I’m annoying… i try to be aware, but still miss it some days. It always amazes me that people have all these thoughts and reactions about how others react to them, it seems very stressful, but would certainly save people from learning all lessons the hard way.
When you Talk to your therapist, maybe have a specific example of a social interaction where you have this feeling. the therapist can slow the situation down and help you figure out the root cause.
The only bit of advice I have is to remember that people don’t think about us nearly as much as we imagine they do. They have their own inner monologue of anxieties and to-dos. Even if you have been a bit awkward, it will probably be forgotten about by the person you are talking to long before you forget about it.
I do, constantly, but I am cognizant that all of that is really in my head, so I never really honed in on it or suffered because of it. Do bring it up in therapy, definitely worth taking about it with a professional you trust that could give you some tools and perspective you need.
I used to feel this way a lot. I thought for the longest time I was a recluse. Turns out, I love connecting with others and its vital to my happiness. Through therapy, I’ve become more self-confident now I dont overthink social interactions. I’ve stopped caring what other people think for the most part. I know I’m a kind person, even if I’m a bit eccentric. That’s enough for me.
i’m the same way and getting tested for autism soon…i just always feel inherently off-putting, as i tell my therapist. and that makes me retreat further into myself, which makes it worse, etc etc. i feel like an alien and have become insanely rejection-sensitive. i barely try anymore
This has been a struggle for me as well and it’s gotten much better as I’ve gotten older and more confident. I think it is our perception and self esteem but it’s also harder to form relationships an find your people as an adult. I learned a statistic years ago that helped me and it’s that 3% of the people you meet are not gonna like you for no reason. Focus on your friends and loved ones who get along with you and be your authentic self regardless of how others perceive you.
Hmm, I am pretty extroverted and social. I’d also say I’m pretty sensitive. I tend not to get phased if someone acts like they don’t like me or whatever. I just move on.
However, I used to very much be a people pleaser, so I’d tolerate a lot from friends and family despite them being shitty at times. I no longer do that, I just block people and stop spending time with them once I feel disrespected.
I think self-esteem could be what you need to work on. Once I got my self-esteem back, life felt easier and lighter because I no longer gave a fck and finally knew my worth.
Yes, but I’m on the spectrum, and therein seems to lie the reason. For me, anyway.
I think there’s a difference between not vibing with someone enough to be their friend and actively disliking someone. Make sure you aren’t confusing the two.
I am friendly towards everyone I work with, in that I say hello when I see them and make small talk with them. But there are only one or two coworkers who I like enough to consider friends. I regularly visit them at their cubicles and they visit me. We exchange texts and IMs. We grab lunch together. I like and respect all of my coworkers, mind you. But I don’t like and respect them all the same.
My neighboring cubicle mate is always super friendly towards me. She brings me little tokens. She asks about my family. She offers to help me with stuff. I appreciate all of these kind gestures but I just consider her a "good coworker" rather than a "coworker friend". Why? I just don’t vibe with her on the friendship level. I can’t articulate all the reasons why this is, probably because there is no logic to chemistry. She’s a good person. I just don’t connect with her.
It took me a long time being in my workplace for me to find people I vibed with.
I have the complete opposite experience. I find other people to be so hyper sensitive that I’m often closed off and overly neutral because I just can’t be out here hurting people’s feelings. I, myself, am rarely affected by anything anyone does or says, aside from mild annoyance.
Honestly yes, this has always been a huge thing for me due to my childhood, which wasn’t bad but created certain specific sensitivities to criticism, mean girl behavior, and bullying. Therapy has helped me a lot to develop better emotional regulation even when I do feel hurt or stressed in these situations. Back in my first job, criticism from my mean boss made me cry, and that made me feel even worse and out of control of my own emotions. Building my emotional center has allowed me to hear criticism and participate in difficult conversations, including ABOUT me, and I’m really glad I did this work. You cannot control if someone has a reaction to you or doesn’t like you, but it doesn’t have to reach into your emotional core when these things happen.
Sometimes a person has to dial it down a notch; I’m naturally quite cheerful and I’ve seen people look slightly alarmed when I arrive. I try to cool my jets a bit and people seem to like that. I have wondered why people are like this and speculate that most people aren’t that happy to be at work or their usual routine and resent any extra effort associated with getting to know someone new. So I just ease into interacting with people a bit more gently unless they are my friends or family
I used to feel like this 247 and it was awful. Then over time I randomly just stopped caring and it feels so freeing
my therapist says people with social anxiety experience “distortions” to reality where they perceive people as having a more negative perception of them than they actually do. there are studies on this actually! i have the same struggles & try not to overthink after a social interaction because i know my brain is warping reality 🫠
it used to! I come from a small town where people were generally friendly, at the very least polite, so that was my normal. Then lived in a place where people were cold/hostile for many years and it ended up messing with my head/mental health. Now back in a small rural town where people are generally friendly and funny again, so now when I meet a person who’s not, it makes me laugh instead of breaking me 😅 They can slurp my clots, I don’t give a shit!
Finding your place helps greatly. Every place has its culture, its vibe, but growing older also helps a lot!
Pretty often but I’ve also had people that don’t even know go balls to the wall crazy trying to ruin my life for no reason so…🤷🏻♀️
Are you neurodivergent? Studies have shown that neurotypical people feel put off or uneasy by neurodivergent people almost immediately. I have autism and it happens to me a lot. It could be that
I feel the same (34F) and it has been strange to hear others’ opinions of me actually being very positive and appraising.
As others have mentioned, I guess it might have to do with childhood trauma, your self esteem and low confidence.
What helped me though is repeating to myself that however people feel about me if not my responsibility and it’s not in my control, so I need to let go. I can only focus on my actions.
When people react/respond to me negatively , I tend to avoid them all together . Lol