Interacting with the world is extremely difficult for me. Kindness and care catch me off guard, I can become very upset when I realize that I don’t deserve for the world to take out all their frustration on me. When I realize that there are people that actually see me, as someone human, I feel shocked.
Growing up with a Sadist made me feel so objectified, and defiled, dehumanized, that I stopped feeling real. Somewhere along the way I lost my ability to relate to others as a HUMAN, because for so long I was treated as a whipping post.
I felt like I was stripped of my humanity whenever I tried to object against the demoralizing way I was treated, on the premise that my mother had every “right’”…to treat me whatever way she wanted to. Which I think is the very definition of what it means to be powerless. That if they say you’re not human deserving of kindness, because it’s literally your human birthright , then you’re not human.
“you’ll exist in the capacity that I want you to, and that’s , that, if I say you’re a valueless , worthless thing I can defile, then so be it”.
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When we don’t get proper emotional attunement, empathetic mirroring, and co-regulation it breaks our brain and nervous system. We need those things in order to form a healthy sense of Self. It makes sense we feel hollow when they’ve sapped us of our life force for years/decades. They feed off of us. We’re like neglected, withering plants that need nurturing and care.
I keep remembering the year that the Golden Child decided on Christmas that he wanted my gifts also. I was maybe 7? And my parents tried to convince me to give him my presents and guilted me when I only gave him half. Now I hate Christmas. And yeah, at the time it didn’t even seem strange to be asked on Christmas to give your presents away to a sibling that your parents preferred. I don’t think I ever had any concept of normal. Imagine being a little kid and thinking maybe if you gave all your Christmas gifts away maybe your parents would love you?
Yeah definitely. They’d criticisize all my good aspects so I learnt to just be empty, really. Now I don’t know how to human properly and I’m learning at 20 when others have been doing so since they were kids. I can see the difference especially at work.
My gosh, I totally relate to how you feel.
When I was in high school, I looked put together but everybody could tell something was off with me. Teachers observed that I was “tuned out” during class, was always skipping and that I looked sad.
I always felt too humiliated to open up about my home life. The way I was raised caused me to dissociate from most past traumas. And the few times I did try speaking out when I was like preschool aged, I learned quickly that my mother and deadbeat father would instil shame in me which ultimately made me see getting help as a form of punishment.
When I was 20, I had children with a predator twice my age that dumped me with his kid. He mirrored a lot of my narc mom’s traits and I wasn’t healed at the time so the toxic familiarity felt safe to me. Needless to say, I’ve been on my path of healing for a couple years now, but I still feel detached which has impeded me to find meaningful love/friendship. I never truly got the love I needed as a child, I grew up believing that if I have nothing to offer then I’m unlovable.
When my parents pushed me into a full on mental health crisis, I didn’t even consider myself a “real person” and it was just so matter of fact to me at the time.
Yes
I also have an incredibly hard time connecting with other humans. I feel a lot of fear in public. What if someone yells at me, tells me I’m doing something wrong, thinks I’m taking up too much space?