I live in a different country from my Nmother, and for a long time, questions about my family or how often they visited didn’t come up too often. When they did, I’d brush them off politely. But since having a baby, I’ve been amazed at how many people ask about his “grandma” – when she sees him, how often, etc.
I don’t know if it’s because I’m now a tired mum of a 1 year old and have stopped caring about a lot things (especially other people’s opinions of me) or if it’s just another step in my healing journey. But now, when people ask, I just answer honestly: “My mother has never met him, and I’m not sure if she ever will. I haven’t spoken to her in years.”
This is almost always followed by a sympathetic response “Oh, but that’s so sad!” or “I’m sure she’d love to meet him.” At which point, I say something like: “No, it’s not sad at all. It was much worse having her in my life.” Or “Oh, I’m sure she’d love to, but that’s a privilege she doesn’t deserve.”
And then.. silence. Gasps. Mumbled responses. People not knowing what to say. At this point, I actually find it kind of funny. There is definitely a lot of freedom that comes from just saying things as they are.
I have no trouble believing that some parents are wonderful and have been great to their children their whole lives. So I don’t understand why so many people struggle to grasp the concept that some parents are just… awful.
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Yep. Don’t care what others say or think. Mainly because those people never experienced having a narcissistic parent and go with all that forgiveness garbage thinking they know what’s best. And then massive guilt trip of what if they die tomorrow and you never made peace?
Nowadays I just use whatever they use against them and they generally shut up. For example, I use the phrase “let me guess, you also say this to victims of sexual abuse including multiple rapes and being treated as a play thing?” And more recently I use their own religion against them with something like “if your God did not show you what I suffered through, then you’re not qualified to talk about this stuff. And if your God did show you what I gone through, you’d have killed yourself long before you even talked to me”
So yea, I’m extremely straight forward when it comes to “these people” and will have no hesitation with various ways to tell them to fk off 😂
Yup. Same, I don’t mind just saying they are abusive and hurt me so I don’t speak to them anymore. Sometimes I don’t even care enough to tell people the truth. I get asked on special occasions like cultural celebrations why I don’t visit but I don’t want to tell someone how it is only to hear some ‘aw, but they’re your parents’ bullshit. As I heal I realise not everyone deserves to hear my story.