My dad has treated my mom like shit their whole marriage and she pretends it’s not true. It’s very hard for me to pretend along with her.
Parents married for decades. My dad is verbally abusive to her and other people. Treated her like a servant and verbal punching bag our whole lives. Treated me the same because I wasn’t his idea of what a girl should be.
Mom swears he’s a great guy and “a lot better than most men”. Mom, no he’s not. My dad used to tell me she looked like a linebacker. He used to tell me he was thinking about leaving her. He used to complain that she wasn’t “fun” because she worked a full time job AND did all of the housework and child rearing while he sat on his ass and watched football.
It’s too late and I don’t want to make my mom’s life harder than it is. If it were me, I wouldn’t care that I was 78 years old, I would get divorced.
More context on why my dad is a douche nozzle: my mom’s dad molested her. She sometimes talks about her dad with fond memories to show you how unresolved that trauma is. Every time she brings up that memory all I can think is fuck that piece of shit.
When I confronted my dad and asked him if he knew about his father in law abusing my mom, he didn’t say “I wish I could punch him” he didn’t even say “fuck that guy”. He said “he wasn’t all bad, I used to play golf with him”. No he was all bad. You molest your own daughter and you are all bad.
Thank you all in advance for being my favorite subreddit
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Yes but it’s my father who has Stockholm syndrome
I am no therapist or psychologist, but for me it feels like she has to tell herself and everyone else that “story” so the reality is less harsh for herself.
I am sorry you had to experience that and your mom had/has to experience that too, unless she is open to therapy I am afraid it is quite difficult you’ll make her change her perception of things, it’s her “sanity mechanism” to cope with reality most likely.
My father died one and a half years ago, and it’s still insane the lengths she’ll go to appease him. She still won’t look other men in the eye if/when she speaks them. She’ll barely interact with my husband even when she needs him to do something for her. The worst is how she tries to gaslight her five kids to think our childhood wasn’t as bad as we remember it, even though we have physical scars. Sitting back while your daughters were being groomed was fine, I guess. 🤷♀️
My mother would tolerate the abuse with a smile because frankly, religion and society expected her to. Her go to sentences were “it is better to stay in the home and be abused by one, then go out and be abused by everyone”. He was her “protector”. She made more money but had no financial control. All her life repeated Quranic verses and prophet’s sayings to justify and even glorify her suffering. Also, she wasn’t alone. Emotional abuse and gaslighting was extremely common in the region.
> “He wasn’t all bad. I used to play golf with him.”
I can not overstate the degree to which many (most??) people just absolutely do not give a shit about abuse.
My ex psychologically abused and sexually assaulted me (among other broken vows) and we all (me included) pretend it’s a normal relationship now, because that’s easier for everyone.
But the message this sends still is, “sexually assault, abuse, and cheating are bad … but this was just hurting Pliny, so it’s not that big a deal. No need to make it awkward. Not like it was someone who mattered.”
OP- mom’s prob just waiting on dad to die. She took vows and she’s seeing them out. I’m sure she figures “it’s not that bad” or “he’s never hit me” so it’s not “bad enough” to give her permission to leave. Or she believes her father and husband that she deserves this. 😔