Does everyone outgrow their childhood?

Hey, I want to make a few points clear before you read anything, first of all..I am from the Middle East, I am Muslim, and I am underage.
I feel uncomfortable writing this to a group of strangers, but no one knows me. I will delete this account permanently in a day. Maybe I will find something that will motivate me to continue.

Me (F 18)
Dad (M 70)

I am smart, mature despite my age – people describe me that way – I have ambition and I am always developing myself, but in reality, behind the door of my room
I’m not mature at all! Not with my feelings nor with myself

Suppose my name is “Aisha”
I was born as an only child and girl to a father who had me at a little late in life, not because he had problems with having children, on the contrary, he was rich when he was young so he lived a luxurious life, the life he was deprived of in his family home.

He married late and have my brothers , and I was the last. He once told me jokingly, “You came by mistake. We didn’t want you.” I didn’t forget that, even though he was joking.

Despite the fact that I literally spent my entire life at home, we only went out as a family about three times! I wasn’t constantly abused.
But I was slapped every time I went to wake him up. Once I was waking him up so we could buy something for breakfast. He got up angry because I bothered him, kicked me in the stomach, and left without me (I was about six!)

I was kind of an only child because I was young compared to them. When the family children played together, they didn’t want me to stay up late with them. I remember that I literally cried a lot during that period.

To the point that I imagined that I had a friend to play cards with!
My brothers, one of them is my mother’s favorite and the other has friends. I don’t have many friends, and the ones I have don’t understand me because I’m not used to complaining. No one understands me because I don’t know how to express myself.

My father prefers himself. If he had ten pounds and the house was literally empty, he would spend the money on himself. I don’t have clothes or money. In the literally high temperatures, I wear heavy clothes because I have nothing else, and he knows… despite that, he doesn’t care.
I’ve never seen the sea, they only took me to the beach once when I was one year old.

I didn’t grow up feeling like I was important, or that I should be loved. I was so neglected, so lonely, and I got beaten if I did something they didn’t like. I thought that was normal, and no boy ever confessed to me. I never felt appreciated.

My father clearly told me to find a cheap university major because he wouldn’t pay expensive things, and he expects a high grade from me and it seems he won’t be satisfied with a low grade.

I have been suffering from breathing problems since I was young. Recently, I also suffered from nerve problems. The country I live in has high temperatures, and I literally die in the summer. My father doesn’t care.

I told my mom, she didn’t take me to the doctor, even though she took my brother to the eye doctor when he told her about his eye!
Everyone thinks I’m numb because of my silence. I’m very sensitive. Not a day goes by without me crying. I see myself as ugly. No one will love me. My own father sees me as a burden. How will anyone ever love me?

I can’t bear the physical or psychological pain, or waiting for a grown man to suddenly appear in my life and replace the father.
There is no way to escape from my home and I don’t want to, and there is no way to be financially independent, and I don’t know how this year will pass, I am very lonely.

In the last few months, I can swear that I think about suicide every day, even though I don’t think I’m going to do it now. I think that suicide is my end, even if my life improves and I become rich and I find a man who loves me. How will I escape from myself and my memories?
I can’t stop wanting to be with a bigger man, and since I’ve heard before that criminals know their victims, I’m pretty sure the bigger men in our neighborhood are giving me weird looks. Does that mean something?

I have never and will never get over the fact that I once wanted a father. I constantly imagine and wish that I was a child with a mental disability, and that another father would care for me.
Maybe my mental disability would have made me treated like a child forever. I was never treated like a child, I never had anything, and I find it so embarrassing to cry in my room because I want a dad to sit on my lap.

Whenever you remember me, pray for me, I can’t go to a therapist
I hope no one translates my post and publishes it ((:

TL;DR:

I am (female 18) Dad (70)
I’m struggling to let go of my childhood mindset and can’t accept adult life. I often feel emotionally stuck, like I’m still a child inside, and I don’t see a future for myself. Everything feels hopeless, and I keep thinking that in the end, suicide might be the only way out.