i made a typo, i meant feel***
about two years ago i met a guy online and we became what i could say close friends for a while. i was in uni, he was in uni, but he lives in another country (not that far from me, it’s like a 5 hours-ish). we we’re playing a game about dinosaurs almost every nights and i was in a very bad place at that time, he’d always push me up and made me laugh and smile. i was very lonely and it was really good to have a friend that didn’t judge me. fast forward a few months, i got diagnosed with schizophrenia and told him. and he was all there for me, when even my family was acting weird about it. fast forward again, i go back to my mother’s for a few weeks trying to find a new place to move following my degree, and it’s really a hard time (i’ve been mentally wounded by my mother a bunch of times and i was anxious x1000) and he stayed up almost every nights to help me feel better before going to sleep. he would recommend a movie and i’d watch it at the same time as him and falling asleep this way. it was really sweet of him.
for a little while we stopped talking this much and became just friends. we would talk occasionnaly and mainly because i was on anti-psychotics and was forgetting things all the time – even people.
last november was a milestone for me. for the anniversary of the death of a close friend, i had a really hard time (i am still, even if it was in 2017, i’m still mourning). still, i dropped uni since november because i was overwhelmed, and i also stopped meds (with my psychiatrist’s advice). i felt alive again!! i could have a convo, talk much more, read again, play my dinosaur game again! so i did. and i got closer with that guy again. it wasn’t the same relationship as before but we would play a lot and talk a lot too. he is really really having a hard time talking about his feelings and stuff, and even he is having a hard time showing affection in general. he told me he had struggle in the past to understand flirting and stuff like that, i am okay with it though. that’s fine, i have relationships issues too.
around december i finally realised i had a crush on him. i took some time to think about it and told him in a very brief message and then we went silent for a few days. when we talked about it (finally) he told me he felt like it was a bear trap as if i was trying to do something bad to him (like a joke). i told him it wasn’t, but i don’t think he believed me at the time. a few weeks went on, he finally told me “i don’t feel the same way as you and never will”. that crushed me but i backed off for my own mental health, and that was it.
around 6 weeks ago we just.. reunited. it’s so strange how we keep getting away and coming back together. i asked him about uni, we talked about how hard it gets, i was trying my best to help and he told me “it’s so difficult to be depressed when you’re here”. that made me quite happy.
fast forward, since then, we’re talking everyday. things are starting to make sense but i’m so so so afraid to get rejeted again. he calls me “bubs” at some times, jokes about me being needy at times (and he told me he enjoys me being needy), he keeps saying things with double meanings (in a romantic and sexual way). at a random moment he told me “imagine moing, could never be me…” and i don’t really know what that means because english is not my native language (i searched it and found out it meant making out but i’m not sure if he meant this?)
he also called us “water boy and fire girl”. calls me “my stinky” “silly silly” “ninny” “dear [name]”… i feel like those are really endearing names. with time i know he knows me and how i do feel about all this (i am cooked guys hehe) and i don’t know what to think about it. i keep remembering “i never will” and i just back off all the time but he comes back everyday and i fall into the pit again. i really really like him. but i feel torn apart. everyday he comes back even more awesome than before and i’m starting to fall for him…
i feel really lost and could use some advice. if i have to back off please say it to me and explain why and how and i’ll do it before being fully in love with him. it comes to a point where we are together everyday and i think about him almost every second..
thank you if you read this!