long post. my fingers are moving fast because i’m all worked up. this isn’t a one month thing, not a one year thing, not a three year thing. this is an ALWAYS has been thing.
when i started dating my husband i was young and a virgin. i’ve only ever been with him. i truly didn’t know what sex would be like but i always imagined it would be romantic or feel great. i always imagined the guy would last like 10 minutes and then go again at some point in that same day.
i started noticing when we started having sex that it seemed short. im talking he goes inside me and then has to come out in like 20 seconds. if he didn’t have to finish yet, it’s because he would have to stop a million times or basically “soak” and be like hold on hold on i don’t want to finish. it’s gotten so bad that it starts to make me want to bust out crying after it during and i feel disgusted. i don’t want a freaking limp dick inside me or one that isn’t moving… it feels dead and gross. i honestly think it has kind of traumatized me.
before we got married i talked to him a lot. told him how i felt. he told me nothing was wrong with him and not to worry it would get better and he would prioritize the sex.
i’ve been married to him 3.5 years and it’s been nothing but issues. there are times where it’s been really good but it still never lasts. on average i would say he lasts 2 minutes and that’s with him stopping a bunch trying not to finish. now his dick gets soft inside me sometimes. sometimes he doesn’t get hard at all. he takes viagra now to help and had his testosterone checked. nothing helps. testosterone is normal.
i am not trying to be rude but im really REALLY frustrated. it’s to the point i want to leave. i dont care anymore how it sounds. i typed all this out bc im at the end of the road here. i feel like im driving myself insane wondering WHAT IS NORMAL. what the hell is normal for guys?? please don’t tell me oh it depends on the guy. for a healthy, young 29 year old man- what should i be hoping for? i feel like ive spent my entire 20s waiting for good sex. i love this guy and when the sex is good i feel good with him but this can’t go on much longer unless im having some unrealistic expectations.
the final thing i want to say is i am an extremely sexual girl. i could have sex 3 times a day. i do believe i finish a lot of the time even in 2 minutes but its really forced because i know i have to. i love lingerie, i love sexual talk, i love sending naked pictures. and thats what i want is a healthy, romantic, normal sex life.
any advice is appreciated.
Comments
Divorce
It does depend on the man how long they last, but im more speaking 10+ minutes. 2 minutes is not normal at all, your husband has a premature ejaculation issue.
I usually last anywhere from 15-45 minutes depending on if we’re going for like a quickie or not, times a day depends sometimes none sometimes 3-4 times just depends on the day and what we’re doing.
You should tell your husband to see a sex therapist or something, or try a numbing cream. Maybe there’s drugs to delay ejaculation idk.
Your sex life sucks though and your expectations are not unrealistic. If your bf is a healthy 29 year old male, he needs to do something about this.
It sounds like you need to do what is best for you. You mentioned feeling genuinely traumatized and that is a sure indication that something needs to change and you can’t control your husband, you can only control your own actions.
You shouldn’t have married him, that was short sighted but not your fault. No one is going to fix this for you, if you need something different get it. Take control of your life or it will be over before you had a chance to live it
I think he might have a problem in the part
There needs to be some willingness to seek outside professional help. I think a sex therapist would do wonders for you guys
He has Premature Ejaculation. There are techniques and drugs he can try to fix it.
Is he out of shape? That might play a part, he can look up ways to help him.
if he watches porn, get him to stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Try Trojan Climax Control condoms or a spray. They work very well. Trust.
Your feelings are valid. If he’s not improving after years, it’s okay to rethink things. You deserve a fulfilling sex life and to feel happy in your relationship
Does he know these feelings?
Sorry you’re in this situation but yeah, sounds like he has an issue. This isn’t anywhere near “normal”.
should approach it gently and positively to avoid hurting his ego or confidence. Some examples:
“I love being close with you, and I want us to enjoy it even more together. Maybe we can try some new things to help us both feel even better.”
“Let’s explore ways to slow things down—it’s exciting to grow together.”
Ask him to use his tongue
It’s because they have weak pelvic floor muscles?
https://www.thelondonclinic.co.uk/media-hub/connection-between-pelvic-floor-health-erectile-dysfunction#:~:text=pelvic%20floor%20muscles.-,Evidence%20has%20shown%20that%20pelvic%20floor%20muscle%20exercises%20are%20significantly,and%20to%20prevent%20further%20problems.
You need a boyfriend if your husband won’t get help
There’s options. Medicine, supplements, mindset, and desensitization. He has to want to change this though.
It’s easier to last longer if it’s a mental thing when you take yourself out of the equation. I focus on her. I don’t focus on the feelings, sounds, and visuals when I want to last. That’s all I need to keep going. This used to be such an issue for me. I would last forever.
If physical, he can desensitize himself via masturbation. Give himself a little death grip. Medication/supplements work here as well.
Trying is the important part. I’m sure there are people out there that just can’t fix some issues, but they at least try. He needs to do something. IMO there’s no reason why he can’t double+ his time in a month or so.
Gym + healthy diet + no porn
Stop talking to Reddit and talk to your husband. Is he giving you pleasure first? He should be taking care of you and making sure you have an orgasm before any penetration and that will help you be less interested in watching the clock.
Is he spending any time focused on pleasuring you? Like he needs to spend 15-20 minutes running his tongue and however you want him to use his fingers for you before he attempts penetration. It sounds more like an issue of effort and maybe some psychological fail switch. Easily compensated with the right foreplay.
His testosterone is low and his SHBH is high, he needs more testosterone. Pellets are best, problem solved. BioTE.
Have you tried doing more 4 play instead? It’s an issue he’s not going to fix without medications most likely but there’s ways to make the whole thing last longer. If I was him I’d honestly feel more self conscious and worried if I knew it bothered you and felt I couldn’t help it. Needing to stop a lot for 2 minutes isn’t good but maybe he could just pleasure you for 10-15 minutes and then start.
I guess I’m not even sure what normal is. Porn would make it seem guys like 45 minutes but I doubt that’s typical. (At least hope not) I’d imagine the average guy lasts 5-10 min range
If he can’t get hard and his testosterone is normal, it could be the intimacy between you both is causing stress.
Focus on foreplay. Focus on closeness. Rebuild trust.
Sex doesn’t have to be dick in vagina. Enjoy other touching with hands, mouth and other.
Tell him what you like, how to touch you. Listen to what he needs.
If he wants to stop pumping during intercourse, have him do something else to you so you stay aroused – suck your nipples, manual stimulation, etc
Good luck
It goes soft because he is trying really hard to think about not orgasming and it switches him off. Try to not make the penetrative component of your sexual interactions the first or main thing.
What generally works is playing around with fingers/mouth/toys until the woman orgasms and then having PIV penetration. It would work better with both of you because then he could just relax and enjoy it without worrying about his performance – because you have already orgasmed.
Don’t think of it as “you can’t have sex until you get me off” because it’s NOT that at all. It’s a loving and respectful way to make love so that you can both enjoy it without stress or disappointment.
Part of your issue is that you’re pinning a lot of your mutual sex life onto one act.
Do you have a vibrator? Do you play together?
How do you like to get off? Can he bring you off first and then have penetrative sex?
There are so many other things you could be doing together before penetrative sex and having fun in the bedroom or wherever and these all seem to be missing from your post.
Of course if you put a ton of pressure on a guy to be everything that you want in sex then that is not going to help him stay hard…
I got divorced because I was no longer attracted to my now ex-husband. It was painful but not fair to either of us. You should leave.
I don’t think this man will ever make you happy
Sounds like couples therapy is in order. You aren’t at all wrong to be upset, but intervention from a medical professional is warranted before ending things.
Is he taking any medications or supplements? A lot of them can lead to erectile function, so look into that. Also, if he’s watching porn, he needs to stop as it could be affecting his performance ability
One Drug that works really well for this is SSRI antidepressants. One of the most common side effects is anorgasmia which is inability to reach orgasm. Even if he does reach orgasm it takes a long time you might want to try Zoloft or maybe Lexapro
This is tough. I think that you should contact a divorce lawyer. Because he lied to you, saying that he was capable of being a husband that could satisfy you and that he didn’t have any problems. He was purposely dishonest.
You two are not sexually compatible, nor morally compatible. Don’t waste your life for others who are deceitful.
Many blessings
Unfortunately, there really isn’t a “normal” amount of time. Every guy works differently, and arousal can even have an impact on that as well.
What I’ve learned is that “average” is around 15-25 minutes, and quite a few women I’ve talked to don’t like the men that can last 30+ minutes.
Granted, im going off of what people have said to me, i also fall outside of the “normal” range of time, just on the opposite side of it. It does sound like your man has PE syndrome, there’s prescriptions and some gas station/sex shop stuff he can take (idk if the latter works). Edging could maybe help build the endurance. Id suggest getting a second opinion from a different doctor
There’s a lot to sex and intimacy than just penetration. Try other things to spice things up. As for the sensitivity there are condoms that he can use that essentially make him numb down there. Which if he’s already getting soft could potentially contribute but it’s worth a shot.
I’ll help you