Hi all,
I F28 have been in several relationships, both flings and long term, throughout my life. I usually experience the same honeymoon phase that everyone else does in the beginning, and it slowly fades away into a comfortable love/like. Recently (about 6 months ago) I met M28. I cannot get enough of him. I need to be with him all the time, we finish each other’s sentences, we laugh until we cry, our sex life is literally nonstop, and we just take good care of each other. I admire him, like him, and I love him. I have never felt anything close to this in my life. But this scares me. I have recently built a life for myself that is structured around being single (I’ve been burned). I am scared to let someone else in. Am I gaslighting myself and telling myself that this is a temporary fixation… or is this how it feels to meet your soulmate? Are soulmates real?
Anyone who felt this way can you tell me if the strength of the feelings lasted the test of time?
TL;DR: how do you know if it’s lust or soulmate?
Comments
Only time will tell.
My advice would be to enjoy this stage as much as you can. Cause these are the good old days, you’re gonna look back on this and those memories and the connection you build now will get you through when things are tough.
Don’t mess around with the soulmate garbage.
You found someone you are compatible with, just enjoy it.
>I have recently built a life for myself that is structured around being single
This is great. That means you have friends, a career, your own place, and lots of stuff going for yourself. Make sure you keep maintaining that stuff on top of your new relationship. If the relationship keeps working out, then you’ll have a great life plus an amazing relationship, and if it falls apart then you’ll still have your well-rounded life to fall back on. So, even if you want to spend every waking second with him, make sure you make time for work, friends, hobbies, etc, and let the relationship be something that enriches all that instead of replacing it.
I have felt the way you are feeling a few times when I met people I was super compatible with. A couple times it didn’t work out, and one of the times was when I met my wife.
The honeymoon phase can last up to 2 years! It was that way for me with my now husband. It’s normal and it just means that you’re very compatible. No matter how intense it feels now it will eventually die down and hopefully be replaced by a deeper love and sense of companionship
I think it’s okay to let yourself fall for him. There’s always a risk of getting hurt, but if we don’t get vulnerable, we can’t find true happiness either. Just don’t tie yourself to him permanently until you’re able see his flaws and accept them with a clear head, because everyone is flawed in some way and infatuation can be blinding. If it’s meant to be forever, there’s really no reason to rush, is there?
So, being “in love” doesn’t mean you are compatible. It is fun, especially when you both are in love with each other. But it isn’t what I would call “real” love.
Real love is a choice. it is something you do. It is when you want to change your actions so your partner feels beloved by you.
If you and your partner make that choice every day, you have the potential for a long-lasting relationship.
Part of what you have to accept, though, is that the intensity changes over time. We just can’t sustain such high intensity forever. The 500th kiss on the neck will never be as exciting as the very first one was, because we know what to expect. This doesn’t make less pleasant, just less thrilling.
It shouldn’t matter, though, because you should have already decided that you want your partner in your life for the long haul, and are treating them in a way so that they feel safe, respected, valued, comforted, etc., by you and around you. And they should be treating you in a way that makes you feel the same.
Soulmates don’t exist, in my experience. i’ve gotten along too well with too many people, and even these best compatibilities there are still small things — bad days, illness, stress, etc. — that can make things sour at times. These are situations you have to learn how to handle, how to communicate honestly to each other even when you are feeling down or off or upset.
It is easy to have a relationship when everything is going well. What counts is how good of a relationship you have when things are going poorly. Problems in life are inevitable. To have a happy relationship, you need a person who will work with you to resolve the problems that show up in life.
I also suggest reading the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman and Nan Silver. Gottman did research on married couples, but his data applies to any long-term relationship. It covers all sorts of things, from what it takes to feel happy, to how to avoid communication pitfalls.