I am SO far gone being polite to this woman. She boundary stomps and causes major issues in my marriage. I can’t make my husband go NC, but I’m VLC and at my wits end. I can’t stand her shrill voice. She’s my BEC and I cannot shake it. The woman doesn’t listen to me or my husband. I’m just using this as a venting space (yes, I’m in therapy. No, my husband is not, and no, he will not go to couples counseling although we desperately need it) as I know most of you understand which is why you’re in this sub.
She announces herself as “DH mom” at every single get together we host, as though she doesn’t have an actual name. She’s recognized that our friends call my parents by their first name and, although our friends have known DH parents longer than mine, they all call MIL & FIL “Mr & Mrs X” and it’s like yeah, you still treat us and our friends like we’re kids that need discipline and guidance, not as adults. Any get together we host (baby’s bdays, friends over while they’re visiting, etc) she overtakes the conversations and acts like our home is hers and she’s the star. My friends have even commented to me on how batshit she is.
DH grew up in a not nice home. FIL used to say my husband would be no better than “gas station school” and MIL (although praises herself on how she raised her sons), worked 50-60 hours a week and traveled a lot for work as an exec. Had Nannie’s, had “mommy’s helpers” from 6-8AM before school, can’t remember potty training, etc. I’m not mom shaming, it’s just frustrating that she says all of this and still applauds herself at how she raised her boys. My husband is now pretty successful and we live a comfortable life in a nice home/neighborhood where we grew up and she makes it all about herself. Mind you, I’m no slouch and contribute significantly to our household, as well as take care of our children full time.
DH and I are from the same town, but moved out of state (where MIL, FIL & BIL all live) before children to get a change of scenery and readjust our lifestyles. After having baby 1 and as we were expecting baby 2, we decided to move back to our hometown. MIL threw a tantrum and since then, has been back to our new home 8 times in the last 15 months. The first visit, she stayed for a week when I was less than a month postpartum and we were only in our new home for a week. Talk about invasion, we had nothing put together. During that first visit, she didn’t lift a finger. She hosted her brother & SIL in my home (that I only met once or twice prior) and showed off my home as though it was hers. They stay for 4-5 nights, other times staying 7+ nights, despite our consistent requests to stay for a long weekend (Thursday – Monday or Friday – Tuesday), as we both work from home and I’m also the primary caregiver for both children. Day to day life is hectic and I wouldn’t change it for the world but it’s awkward having someone in your space when you’re just trying to work and live life.
MIL consistently uses “mommy” and “daddy” when referring to herself or FIL with our kids. She has been corrected over and over but still “slips up.” During their most recent visit, while out to dinner, she referred to FIL as daddy and both my husband and I nearly yelled at her “it’s grandpa” and I also added “you NEED to break that habit immediately”.
Her overstepping while visiting has gotten so bad now that even FIL is stepping in to correct her. I was sitting watching MY kids play in the yard, while she was “keeping an eye” on our deck, and while playing she kept correcting their behavior. My FIL stepped in saying, “MIL, their MOM is RIGHT there” (he had to have said this 2-3 times to her) and her response was, “oh I know I just need to give my two cents.”
She brings gifts every time she visits, sometimes toys or clothes, other times she asks their favorite snacks and will buy separate items (although we already have them in our home) so that she can say “grandma got you this.”
This time (3 weeks ago), she brought two cowboy hats and toy stick horses…well in conversation during her last visit, i mentioned that I wanted to get the kids a costume chest with dress up items for Christmas. So who decided she needed to be the first? Grandma, of course. I took her aside after the kids opened it up, and politely but firmly reminded her that I had planned to get the costumes for my children this coming Christmas. Her response? “Well then just put what I got them away.” With nothing else, she KNEW what she did was wrong, and had a childish response to rebut. I told her, I won’t put them away while you’re here, but moving forward I’d appreciate knowing what your plan is before you get them something that I was planning to do at a later date. BTW, we’ve told her we don’t want her to bring anything, but clearly that’s not worked either. She’s 100% on an info diet now that I’m VLC.
Today, a package shows up on my doorstep, addressed to my daughter. I opened it and sure enough, it’s another costume. I am seething right now. I showed it to DH (my first mistake) and mentioned that I JUST had this conversation, less than 3 weeks ago, about the dress up/costumes. Of course he excused her behavior. I threw it in my closet (should’ve just done this without consulting DH) and will refuse to bring it out at any time. It’s up to DH how he wants to handle that convo and when she recognizes it’s nowhere to be found she can either choose to confront me or take it as an L. It’s also racist/cultural appropriation and I refuse to have my children be seen in this at any time in their lives.
I have some serious issues with her. Most of what she does may be minor in comparison to others’ stories in this sub, but she doesn’t do anything to help her case or even attempt to get better. In fact, she consistently doubles down and outwardly disrespects me and my wishes. I’m just here to vent and I’m tired of it all getting in between DH & I. He’s tired of hearing about it and I can’t say I blame him. He’s aware of her faults and HAS tried to stick up for me/us, but she doesn’t listen and NC isn’t an option.
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I’d straight up give him an ultimatum after all that, MC or we need to separate! What your husband has allowed her to do BEYOND ridiculous! Also, I’d start throwing everything she brought or shipped to your kids in the trash. Make sure and tell her you’re going to do it too. The cycle of dysfunction you’ve been living in would literally drive anyone to separate from their spouse!
Did you feel better after venting? Typing all this? Letting it all out? If you did, well bravo! Good for you, but if you did not, well you have to do something about it. I don’t know what’s the reason of you not going NC with your MIL, but a long or indefinite break will help you recover your mental health. No more visits from them unannounced, until she behaves, and no more contact with the children without you there. If you can keep tolerating her then she will not step up to be better. And your husband has to grow balls to ACTUALLY step up, she will drive you crazy and he can choose which vagina he would like to keep.
I know you’re ambivalent about input. But donate her gifts now. Do it 2-3 times and she’ll get the message.
Yes she wants you to hate her she wants confrontation so she can play victim and make you look crazy. Throw the costume in the trash on trash pick up day. And tell husband that the in-laws no longer stay in your home when they visit its not a request its final end of story. They can stay with other family or a hotel that is mil problem.
Vent away. Solidarity. But you have choices. When the difficult person in my life disrespects me, I’ve stopped taking the hit. If she said she had to put her two cents in, I’d clap right back.
“You‘re over valuing your input, but here’s a dollar, now stop bossing my kids around.”
Oh she leaves in a huff? Bummer. She complains to DH? So what. I’m done entertaining her running commentary.
How is her stealing your spot as mom “minor in comparison” to anything? It’s a pretty big deal.
I can be a petty bitch, so I’d start referring to her as Mrs. X every chance I got… to the children, until that’s what they called her.
I can’t believe y’all moved back and she is STILL crushing your life.
She is taunting and trolling you. Please stop giving this woman kindness and respect. She’s insulting obnoxious and manipulative.
Let her know you won’t be able to host her moving forward. There are things and activities your immediate family needs to attend to, and there is no time or space for a visit.
You would not have a MIL problem if your DH was solidly in husband/father camp instead of halfway into the son camp too.
Your MIL believes she’s the boss. Until you make it both clear and painful that she’s not the boss there will be no change.
There is freedom in The Bad Guy role.
That’s how you should introduce her for now on. “Hi, I’d like to introduce you to my husband’s mom.”