In laws keep suggesting they will have the baby 1-2 days per week when I return to work, that they can help out etc, however I do not feel comfortable with them having her all day. They were older parents when my husband was born (40s) so are in mid 70s now. MIL is very frail in particular. Neither MIL or FIL can bend down and sit on the floor with baby and have openly stated they wouldn’t be able to get back up if they sit on the ground. How will they pick baby up? How will they lift baby out of a cot? How will they play with baby? How do I gently tell them thanks but no thanks. I am thinking maybe they could have her for a couple of hours on one occasion to see how they go- perhaps they will realise they’re not up for an all day affair?
MIL has made comments about babies shouldn’t eat with hands, they need to use cutlery (lol), all these “new generation” babies are spoilt etc. FIL says “none of that in my house” every time baby makes a noise. Baby is sooooo happy and smiley but if they even remotely make a noise FIL says we don’t cry etc. how will they handle solids and meal times, crying and tears……
At the moment we are looking at 2 days of daycare, me staying home one day a week, my partner staying home one day a week and my parents having baby one day a week. So we wouldn’t need them to have baby. My partner could always take baby around for a visit on his day.
Baby is almost 9 months and will be 13 months when I return to work.
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It sounds like you have it all figured out. I think this is something your husband needs to deal with, because they are his parents.
Your tag says advice wanted but I don’t see anything you’re actually asking for- do you want confirmation that your plan makes sense? If so- it does!
Maybe they can watch your LO for an evening or weekend day once a week or so, while you’re at home (and can pick your baby up if they can’t!)
This way you can focus some time on catching up on house stuff, while still give them time to bond with your LO.
I don’t feel comfortable with my dad (72) watching my LO and this method has worked out nicely. I’m always in earshot but able to get things done here or there.
Thanks for the offer but we have our care plan all buttoned up.
You don’t tell them. If it is addressed again have SO tell them. His family, his circus, his monkeys to manage.
For you it is an absolute no. So the delivery of the message comes from SO.
“That’s so generous. Before I let you keep the baby, I need to make sure that you are able to safely lift him from the crib.”
If you’re sure that she can’t, have her try in front of you. If she can but she struggles, you’re too worried about her injuring herself
Your husband tells his parents something like “Mom, Dad, Thanks for the offer. (Note the absence of “but” or “however” which have become too common as filler words.) We’ve got childcare covered. We’ll let you know if we ever need you to babysit. Do you know where those old pictures are of when I was little? I’d like to see them if possible.”
This tells them what’s happening and that you both appreciate their offer. Not using “but” or “however” means it’s not up for negotiation. Then there’s a “bean dip” change in subject as the matter of childcare is closed.
Your FIL’s “not in my house” attitude is quite scary. How did FIL discipline his kids because that’s what he’ll do to yours.
And you didn’t even mention their ability to chase an active toddler. What if the door accidentally wasn’t tightly closed and she got out and ran into the street? Could they catch her quickly? My mother wanted to watch my grandchildren when they were small, but was frail and not terribly mobile. I gave her this exact scenario and that shut her down pronto. My daughters didn’t have to say a word.
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Don’t do it. I babysat full days for my grandson, who I adore when I was in my mid 60s, healthy and active. The days were longer than I predicted and I got really tired. I adore him and would do it again, in a heart beat. But I couldn’t do it now. Ask them to be emergency back up, because little kids get sick a lot.
I’m simply saying if there’s an elevator anyone with a brain knows that it’s safer than dragging an infant up an escalator and especially when there IS an elevator. there was an accident as I stated involving a DISABLED senior adult. She was hurt, and could have hurt the child as well. Think. Use some common sense.
I’d visit them often but make my own choices for childcare
A 13 month old is like a drunk driver! Your in laws could really injure THEMSELVES chasing her!!!!
I think they don’t sound like appropriate babysitters. I would probably always have either yourself or husband there to supervise them around your baby with comments like those. My MIL also said my child should’ve been using cutlery, not his hands, when he was a baby because all 5 of her kids did… It’s like their brains turn to mush and I honestly think they get the ages mixed up. I would never trust an adult to be a safe adult if they think a child should be quiet and make no noise. My in-laws call children sooks for expressing emotion, as well as their adult children and partners (hello me).
Your response can be this simple: “Thanks, but we have already organised childcare”
Ask them these questions bluntly, not gently. At 13 months, baby is mobile, not a little burrito.
MIL, how are you going to lift the baby to the changing table? Even if she says she’ll change them on the floor, there’s the ‘getting up afterwards’ part.
MIL, how will you bathe the baby if she has a blowout poop? They do that, remember?
Maybe do the ‘couple of hours’ thing with full supervision. ‘I’m going to stand over here and let you take care of task X’ (so that when they *aren’t* able to lift a wiggly child, you can step in before there’s a real problem.)
If you think they won’t answer truthfully when you get into the detailed questions / or you just decide the way they’re talking about child rearing is not in line with your expectations, then I suggest just clearly saying – “thank you for the offer but right now we’ve got childcare covered”. That’s what we did with my IL’s who suggested they’d drive 3 hours each way to our house to care for our then infant son when I returned to work, and I did not believe them capable either way. I said me and (dad) will care for him one day a week, and the other days he’s in childcare. And it was important he did at least 2 days of childcare in order to get used to the educators and environment. For some IL’s, getting into the detail won’t help them see the light, it’ll just make them defensive and you’ll end up feeling like you have to give it a try their way. If you don’t want to, don’t. And I wouldn’t worry about the fairness factor with your parents watching your baby one day a week. Fair doesn’t mean equal.
OMG!! A 13 month old needs constant attention and supervision! There’s no way the people you describe can handle that.
I thought a trial run was a good idea but I’m not so sure that your baby would be safe.
“Oh, it’s so generous of you to offer, but these are your golden years! No, I couldn’t possibly impose on you to watch my baby. No, no, it’s nice of you to insist, but you should be enjoying your retirement. No, I won’t do that to you, but I appreciate you offering. No, I couldn’t ask you to sacrifice your time and health.”
Repeat ad nauseam.
I think you just thank them and say something like you’ll keep it in mind but think you have child care covered. Don’t offer specifics, don’t comment on their shortcomings.
Do discuss your concerns with your DH, hopefully getting on the same page with your decision not to leave them alone with baby for extended periods. And continue to watch their reactions/ behavior as baby matures, self finger feeds, babbles, scoots around. (Baby will also continue to get heavier to lift.)
My FiL had neuropathy (couldn’t feel his toes) but insisted on driving. I never wanted to confront him as he wasn’t my parent. I did always insist that my DH drive when we went out, using a comment like our car had child safety seat, or was roomier.
Ultimately, baby’s health and safety come first. Best of luck!
Follow your gut! You are the parent.
FWIW My then 54 year old Mom made me put my 1 year old at the time into family daycare because once she was mobile she was too much to handle.
You just say – “thank you for the offer! We have childcare covered!” Nothing more. No need to explain.
I would never agree to weekly childcare without doing a short trial, family or not. My MIL assumed she’d be part of our weekly childcare because she retired while I was pregnant but had proven not to be trustworthy in our presence so how would I have expected her to follow any of our wishes without us there? We tried a couple of short term babysitting stints eventually and she lied about important things and proved to be incapable of following baby’s schedule or making appropriate decisions regarding safety. So she lost the privilege. An adult’s feelings should never come before a baby’s safety.
Why are you even considering leaving LO with Ma and Pa Kettle?
Honestly, I think a clear message needs to be conveyed whenever they ask, something along the lines of:
“We have made the decision that we feel is in the best interest of our young toddler in regards to daily care, but DH would love to stop by on the day he has LO!”
That way, they kind of look unreasonable if they throw a fit. Will they? Likely, but I wouldn’t say 100% 🤷🏻♀️ And if they do, that’s when you’ll have to be more direct. Is it likely going to hurt their feelings/wound their ego/ cause a meltdown a toddler would be proud of? Probably. Consider it free training for when LO hits the 2-3.5 years stage of parenting 🥴 the number one rule of parenting toddlers and dealing with in laws who act like toddlers is we do not give in. The only way they get what they want is to be kind and respectful to the person who spent nine months growing and then birthing a whole baby. And it is clear they do not respect the way in which you want to raise your baby. How do I know? That whole “not in my house” schtick your FiL pulled. And so, if they cannot take your polite “no,” they get your respectful but assertive “no,”
“While we respect that you feel ‘your house, your rules,’ with baby, we are asking that you respect our decision to make the best choice for LO’s regular care, which cannot include someone who regularly disrespects our parenting decisions, as this will cause undue and unnecessary confusion on LO during a time when they need consistency in their life.”
And when all else fails, you walk away/end the visit/end the conversation:
“It is clear you are unable to have a calm and respectful conversation about this, so we are tabling this subject and this visit until you are able to treat us with basic decency and respect.”
And then?
You. Walk. Away.
I know it seems insane to be so assertive, but they have made it abundantly clear through their words and actions that they intend to steamroll right through your boundaries, and your LO deserves care that is consistent with your parenting, full stop. And so you become the immovable force their disrespect ends at. They had their turn, and they need to trust that they parented your DH well enough (please read that last part with all the sarcasm you can muster) that he will parent this generation well.
Is this the first grandchild? It certainly doesn’t excuse their behavior, but I’ve noticed a trend of these (especially older) grandparents having a REALLY HARD time switching to grandparent mode, even my (mostly yes) mom struggled a bit. Would approaching it from that angle possibly be helpful?
“Mom, I completely understand your excitement and desire to bond with LO, but their wellbeing MUST come before your desires as a grandparent, especially during such an important age. I hope you will respect me as LO’s parent when I say you will not be included in LO’s regular care team at this time.”
I think you just have to be direct with them. Explain everything you have said here while also explaining that the baby won’t be a baby forever and that they can help you out when they are older and a bit more independant.
My grandparents are in their late 70s and I wouldnt dream of leaving baby with them all day, even though they’re pretty fit for their ages. A good compromise, which I have done is having them watch baby while im in the house doing other stuff, then I can get stuff done and they get 1 on 1 time with baby, but if needs be I can come in and get her.
However the comments about babies being spoiled now wouldn’t fly, you need to have a conversation with them about how tending to their needs quickly, even if the need is just wanting to be held, and not leaving them crying helps with their brain development and long term mental health