A lot of people have fetishes they feel like they need to keep to themselves, maybe due to judgement, or internal shame. Mine? I have a stalker/rape kink.
I’ve pushed it down for years, pretended it wasn’t a thing. CNC, doesn’t do it for me (very tragically might I add) I have no outlet for my dark desires, no way to ease the bubbling arousal when I think about it. And no way to ethically indulge it, because if I open up about my kink, and he expresses interest in it, I cannot take him seriously as a “stalker”. The stalking has to be organic, he has to be obsessed with me from his own nature, not because he knows I like it. It just doesn’t feel real. It’s not real danger because I’m still in control. And I suppose that’s what it stems from, I have an intense desire for lack of control, to be in the palm of someone else’s hand, obsess over me, consume me, crave me, manipulate me, do whatever you want to me. Push the limits, break me, scar my skin, sculpt me however you want.
Sometimes, I’ve been known to interact with internet strangers, and open up a little too much, just bait them slightly and see if anyone is interested, but they lack the psychological prowess that I enjoy sparring with. I make them work for it, and on the internet, everyone has an expiry date. People are always onto the next person, seeking other thrills. And me? I’m bored.
If I catch even the slightest whiff of submissiveness in his nature, I turn the tables. I am a switch, forced to always be dominant. I’m nearly convinced legitimate dominant men do not exist, not that pathetic excuse for ego flexing that you see on places like Fetlife, someone who is actually capable of making me crawl for them. I want it so deeply, to be submissive for someone, but I cannot find someone that lives up to my standards and expectations: so I’d rather be dominant. No matter how bored of it I am.