Here is some context before this entire spill. I (25F) dated someone (24M) for 8 years and although we had our ups and downs, when I left it took me about a week and I was over it. Keep this in mind. Granted I was healing way before I even left him.
This leads me to some events that occurred after the break up. I rekindled an old highschool relationship- kinda. We never really dated but always had strong feelings for each other but we did mess around for a good chunk of my highschool years(2015). So skip to this this year. When we hung out as adults it was great, we laughed, spent the night, done stupid stuff etc. He’s genuinely a great guy and always has been since I first met him in middle school. We talked for a few months and hooked up, both freshly out of long term relationships. More than likely a rebound but hey, neither here nor there. I thought maybe it was going somewhere but it wasn’t. He very much wanted to live the single life talking to multiple women and didn’t want the commitment. Which were both grown and that’s understandable. Cut my losses etc.
Now- i’ve moved on and found a new partner and he’s great. He’s everything and more. I love him very much. Thinking of leaving him genuinely makes me upset and I can definitely see myself marrying this man. Here’s kinda where I’m lost. I am constantly thinking of my previous partner before him. The what if’s. The maybe if I held on longer. I don’t believe if he was for me, i’d be in this position but why is it so hard to just cut him completely out? Remember I said in the beginning how my 8 year relationship, I was over in a week? Yeah, not this 4 month little rebound I had.
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Sometimes, our minds just like to revisit those “what if” scenarios, especially when we’ve shared meaningful moments with someone. It’s great that you’ve found a new partner who makes you feel loved and valued! Remember, it’s okay to acknowledge those feelings about your past while also appreciating what you have now. Maybe try focusing on the positive aspects of your current relationship and the reasons you fell for your new partner. With time, those thoughts will likely fade as you continue to build your future together!
I feel like if your constantly thinking about what ifs on a previous relationship than youre clearly not fully satisfied with your current relationship because the what ifs would be irrelevant
He may be on your mind because you hadn’t taken all the time necessary to heal before entering a new relationship? I don’t know how long ago things ended with him, but it sounds pretty recent since you said this year, and it sounds like there has been some relationship hopping in general. And it’s hard to fully let go when you hop.
I hopped for 10 years, never single longer than a month or two, and always somehow involved with someone. I always looking in the rear view mirror and never fully looking at the person in front of me who I was currently dating, so I missed a lot of red flags and clues that they weren’t right for me. Which led to more breakups and more hopping and more day dreaming about the what ifs with my priors. It’s hard to actually be fully in love with someone if you are wondering about other people. I can tell you it never goes away while in a relationship like that.
My BEST advice; stop dating. Try to be 100% celibate and single for a minimum of one year or longer. Wash off the 8 year relationship entirely (you may checked out, but you were very much still in it) and the fling w the high school guy. Once you do that, you’ll find the best fit, feel more confident, and be happier all around. The right person will be there waiting for you once you’re ready. You were in a relationship for a very long time. You might not know how to be outside of a relationship and just be happy being at home with yourself. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
I took 3 years to be 100% single. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. You won’t know it til you try it. It feels really good being off the shelf. And now I’m partnered with an incredible woman, and this is the first time I’m not thinking about anyone from my past while in a relationship.