Emotional expression difficulty

Being emotionally intelligent is both a blessing and a curse, especially when life events occur that negatively affect me emotionally, such as sadness, anger, or disappointment. I don’t think I’ve ever felt these feelings completely without feeling like it’s fake or without being constantly judged and guilt-ridden for letting myself feel these feelings, knowing full well that I can be fine any moment I want. I suddenly turn to a therapist, calm myself down, speak logically, and think of all the solutions that will make me feel better and solve the problem. Sometimes I wish I could cry without feeling like my feelings are fake, that I want attention, without feeling like I’m doing it intentionally to procrastinate, and without feeling weak. I feel like I don’t deserve to feel this way. I don’t deserve to express my feelings; I know where these thoughts come from. I just grew up in an environment where I was told that crying was forbidden and that I would be punished if I did. I learned that expressing feelings wasn’t allowed, and even when I did, nothing really changed. There was no one there for me.

If I had a daughter, I would want her to express her feelings fully. I want her to express her sadness and her joy and to live the full experience. I would never want her to feel the way I do now, and with that, I remembered my inner child. I have no right to deprive her of something like that. I want to tell her that she can cry, she can feel negative, and she can express her feelings. No one will hit her, no one will punish her, no one will call her names. I want to feel safe and comfortable in my own skin.

That’s why I’ve decided to heal for her and learn to express my feelings better.

Thank you for being here. I hope it helps you if you’re going through similar things.

Take care of yourself.