Engagement Disaster – Did I Overreact or Is This a JNFMIL Problem?

Hi all, this is my first post here, and I’m looking for support and advice. I’ve been wondering for a while if my FMIL might be a JustNo, but my fiancé kept telling me they’re just a very “close” family. After this engagement mess, I’m finally trusting my gut. Still, if you think I’m off base, please let me know.

My (28F) fiancé (31M) proposed two weeks ago. I was so excited. this is something we had talked about and I truly want to marry him. The proposal itself was lovely. But then he told me the story behind the ring, and everything unraveled from there.

Turns out… his mom bought the ring. In a whole other country. And brought it to him. At first, I thought maybe it was a sentimental family diamond or something—nope. It was a lab-grown stone, so no reason he couldn’t have just picked and purchased one himself. He had the savings. Apparently, they either talked him into letting them do it, or he just didn’t see the issue. I’m still unclear on what exactly happened or why.

When we called to share the happy news, I gushed over the ring. His mom’s first words? “I know, I bought it.” Then she added that she and his sister tried it on before giving it to him. I just… I couldn’t. That ring now felt like a symbol of how deeply entangled they are in his life, and I couldn’t imagine wearing it for the rest of mine. I gave it back and called off the engagement three days later. We’re still together—but it’s complicated.

This isn’t the first time she’s overstepped. For example:

• I’ve planned things for his birthday, only to find out later she was flying across the world to be with him—with zero communication to me.

• She openly competes with me for his attention and affection. Turns everything into a me vs her thing like asking him if he prefers her wine or mine at dinner and taking offense if he didn’t pick hers.  

• She still refers to him as “my boy” (he’s 31!).

• Early on, he told me that if his mom didn’t like me, he’d break up with me (!!). When I once retold that story (as part of a “funny now” conversation), she threw her arms around him and cried “my good boy!” in front of everyone.

• When she was visiting once and he went to the bathroom, she basically warned me not to hurt him, saying she and his sister wouldn’t be happy if I did.

• They text constantly, “I love you so much” type messages all day. He texts her when he lands, takes off, goes out, etc. like she needs a GPS on him.

I have a great relationship with my own family and we’re very close but we don’t operate like this. It feels smothering, infantilizing, and enmeshed.

When I explained how all of this made me feel and why I couldn’t accept the ring, he got really upset and said he felt like I was trying to push him away from his family. Now his mom and sister are texting him things like “you deserve someone who’s sure about you,” and making it sound like I’m the bad guy who ruined their “perfect” family.

Despite all this, my fiancé is a kind, wonderful person, and this seems to have been a wake-up call for him. He’s finally starting to recognize how unhealthy some of these dynamics are. He even had a tough conversation with his dad, acknowledging that his mom constantly turns things into a competition and that it has to stop. The ring is being returned.

I know a lot of people are going to say run, and trust me, I’ve thought about it. But I also see someone who genuinely wants to grow and set boundaries, now that he finally sees the problem. I’m not trying to separate him from his family—just to have a relationship with privacy and autonomy. Right now, though, I feel like the villain in his family’s narrative.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?
How do you support a partner waking up to enmeshment while also protecting your own boundaries?

Any perspective is welcome. I’m exhausted and trying to figure out what’s best for both of us. Thanks for reading.