My ex and I were in our 30s. We broke up months ago. We fought over her controlling mum – I couldn’t be on good terms with her, and it brought me anxiety and anger. Now as we set things apart, I began to gain some clarity on the toxicity of the situation. I want to share some of the red flags that I’ve missed, especially for those of you who are facing enmeshment and manipulation.
Red Flag #1 – GPS Issue
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1ltvjm6
I wrote this in a separate post. It’s a dealbreaker for us. Overall, my ex and I had GPS switched on 24/7 while dating. I asked her to man up and say no, then her mum started months of cold war with us. My ex was so deeply enmeshed that she wanted to switch back on post-breakup, only for family appeasement.
I couldn’t save her. She crawled back to her own cage.
Red Flag #2 – The Nanny Visit Drama
One time I wanted to bring my ex to see my terminally ill nanny. FYI, her mum cut off ties with ALL her parents and relatives. She didn’t say no, but questioned my ex whether this was an excuse to see her nanny instead. I was very angry – my enmeshed ex took all the blame herself, but I thought she wasn’t trusting us.
Her mum did track us at the end, only when I reassured my ex and her family that my parents were there too, and that she finally stopped tracking. She even accused us of having sex at my home instead.
Too far-fetched. Twisting loving actions into something suspicious was just hysterical.
Red Flag #3 – Travel Demands
We were living in the same state and had some travel plans. Her mum did give us a green light, “offering” me ridiculous travel demands. No budget airlines. Only luxurious hotels. Mum had full control of our daily itinerary. Thought this was it? I should pay more to cover her daughter’s expenses too!
Her mum never let her travel alone or with friends. Always family first. While my ex insisted that her mum did let us go if we could meet these demands, I still see these as signs of trust issues.
I asked my ex whether her mum really trusted me. She said yes, because we could travel together. I said no, she was too manipulative and kept offering demands. No one on earth would give such harsh demands when it came to couples travelling together.
How Toxic Were My Ex and Her Mum? How Doomed Was This Relationship?
It was through this post-breakup that I began to wonder how toxic they were. Please give your two cents to walk me through this healing process 🙂 Would love to hear stories too if you have encountered / are running into similar issues.
At the end of the day, I just can’t save and fix them, only if they realise that they’re the ones pushing me away instead.
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Seriously, you dodged a huge bullet. Her mother had absolutely no right to be that involved in your relationship and since your ex was unable to extricate herself from that situation, there was no way it was ever going to work. Your ex needs some serious counseling and a desire to stand up to her mother and live her own life.
Take the lessons you learned here into your next relationship. Problems with in-laws can make a marriage very difficult. Good luck as you move on from this.