Hello, hello! Insert the usual throwaway and mobile disclaimers here.
My sister (f38) and I (f41) were very close growing up. We had the usual bickering we were younger, but when we were older, we traveled together, were roommates for a while, hung out together with our kids all the time, talked on the phone multiple times a day.
About 10 years ago, she suddenly ghosted me. I lived very remote from family, so just showing up was not an option.
I would call and call, I would write letters, never any response. I would ask my family what was going on, and she always had excuses as to why she wasn’t talking to me: She didn’t have time, She didn’t have money for her phone, whatever. Never mentioned having any fights or disagreements. Excuses were always logistical.
After three or four years of this, I respected her decision and I took an intense class on forgiveness. I used her as my area to work on. I knew that me harboring any resentments would only hurt me. Part of the exercise was to write a letter to the person.
I poured my heart to the letter and some of it was definitely not kind of her. I knew she would never see it so I threw all of my resentments in there. It was an exercise for me, not for her.
My mother and I would send letters to each other, and I would always send her some of the things that I was working on in the various classes that I took or things that I find interesting. So I told her about the class I was taking and I sent her the letter that I wrote about my sister.
Whether that was right or wrong, I thought maybe it would help her understand how much the ghosting devastated me. Since I had no contact with my sister, maybe my family could help navigate? They were equally confused as I was. At least that’s what they were telling me.
Flash forward a few years later, nothing has changed. I have relocated back to within a few hours distance of my family. Nothing has changed between my sister and I.
Her story now is that I wrote her a letter and it was harsh and mean, and that is the whole reason that she has cut me off. Even though this was something I sent to my mom, somehow my sister got her hands on it.
My mom claims that my sister stumbled upon it, that she did not give it to her. Yes, it was mean. I pulled no punches in that letter because it was like a diary exercise. It was never meant for her to read. But she is now using that to justify why she has nothing to do with me. I guess we’ll just ignore the first five years she ghosted me with no reason. Those were just Practice?
At this point, my family is doing two Christmases, I try to go out of town around Thanksgiving, it’s All weird. I did attempt to reach out to her again which she ignored. I’m told that she actually got mad at the rest of the family because she assumed that they put me up to it.
My perspective, when people show you who they are believe them. She has made it clear that I don’t matter to her, and she doesn’t want me in her life. I have Long come to terms with that.
My dad reached out to me a few weeks ago to tell me that my sister is applying to be a sort of big sister of sorts. And she needs three references that aren’t family. Because my last name doesn’t match her, she wants to use me.
I have a number of issues with this.
– She has so few friends in her life that she has to use me?
– she ignores all of my efforts to reconnect over the past decade, but can’t be bothered to call me personally to ask?
– her life is a hot mess to the point where the entire family admits that she’s a wonderful friend to her current children, but a horrible parent. How about put the fire out in your own house before going to fight the fire next-door.
When my dad asked me if I was willing to be a reference for this, I was absolutely flabbergasted at the audacity. I told him absolutely not and if she wants to use me, she can have the balls to reach out to me directly and have a conversation.
Well, he calls me back a little while later tell me that she already submitted the application and put me down.
So now, I have two emails from this organization asking for a reference.
Other than two family events that we were out together, I haven’t had a conversation with her in a decade. I’ve never asked my parents to divide holidays or events. I can show up where I need to be and conduct myself like an adult.
My parents say they are sick of this divide and just want to be a “family” again. My father has screamed at me about our “silly little thing“. Any attempts to remind them that she ghosted me out of nowhere for years without a word, are met with anger. That I should just get over it.
I am planning to just ignore the emails from the organization. I cannot in good conscience lie.
My bigger question is when my parents come at me about not doing this, how do I navigate it?
Yes, I am a grown ass adult, but dad‘s temper is fearsome. I am currently living in a house He owns, at his request, to help take care of gma (his mother) who is in her 90s. I work remote, so I can live anywhere. It’s absolutely miserable here, but it definitely helps the family out. Once I’m no longer needed here, I will be immediately moving back to where my job is.
I feel confident that I have done the right things on my end, I have attempted hundreds of times to reach out over the years, and finally accepted that I am not a part of her life. I took classes to come to terms with it. And I’m in a good place, I don’t wish any bad things to happen to her, I have accepted the way things are.
It just seems too convenient that the family wants me to ignore those years where my heart was broken because she suddenly cut me off with no reason. I’ve done a lot of work and taken a lot of classes and therapy to be able to communicate about how people treat me. Unfortunately, no one else in my family has.
I feel like I’m all over the place and not clearly explaining anything. I just know that at some point it’s going to be World War III when they come asking about that reference again.
Any advice would be helpful.
————
Edit: thank you all so much for the feedback! I’m definitely not going to lie for her. I think my bigger issue is that I feel like I’ve become an emotional punching bag for my dad. He and my mom are still married but live separately. They are still very close and hang out together all the time.
I live in another house with my grandmother. He has made it clear that if I move out, gma will have to go into a facility of some kind.
My mom has had some super scary health issues lately and I know that’s got my dad very concerned, so the first time he trauma dumped on me it hurt, but I tried not to take it personal.
This past weekend he did it again, screaming at me about things that my grandmother is doing, things that my sister is doing, telling me that he doesn’t care about me, and that I’m fucked up. All because I have boundaries. I refuse to let my grandmother or anyone else walk all over me. I’ve done too much work for that.
Gma has proven herself to be a very unreliable narrator, entirely self absorbed, and gives zero fucks about how anyone else feels. She does what she wants, and no one can tell her any different. I’m the only one that attempts to hold her accountable for what she does to me. Everyone else just pretends it doesn’t happen. For me, she is permanently on an information diet in the grey rock zone.
My sister actually has very little to do with my dad, she only calls him if she needs something. And she never calls my grandmother. (Gma cries over this regularly) She lives with my mom with her kids. She is actually married but hubs lives in his own place. I have no clue what that’s all about, not my monkeys, not my circus.
Just writing this all out has really shown me how messed up this whole thing is.
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Backup of the post’s body: Hello, hello! Insert the usual throwaway and mobile disclaimers here.
My sister (f38) and I (f41) were very close growing up. We had the usual bickering we were younger, but when we were older, we traveled together, were roommates for a while, hung out together with our kids all the time, talked on the phone multiple times a day.
About 10 years ago, she suddenly ghosted me. I lived very remote from family, so just showing up was not an option.
I would call and call, I would write letters, never any response. I would ask my family what was going on, and she always had excuses as to why she wasn’t talking to me: She didn’t have time, She didn’t have money for her phone, whatever. Never mentioned having any fights or disagreements. Excuses were always logistical.
After three or four years of this, I respected her decision and I took an intense class on forgiveness. I used her as my area to work on. I knew that me harboring any resentments would only hurt me. Part of the exercise was to write a letter to the person.
I poured my heart to the letter and some of it was definitely not kind of her. I knew she would never see it so I threw all of my resentments in there. It was an exercise for me, not for her.
My mother and I would send letters to each other, and I would always send her some of the things that I was working on in the various classes that I took or things that I find interesting. So I told her about the class I was taking and I sent her the letter that I wrote about my sister.
Whether that was right or wrong, I thought maybe it would help her understand how much the ghosting devastated me. Since I had no contact with my sister, maybe my family could help navigate? They were equally confused as I was. At least that’s what they were telling me.
Flash forward a few years later, nothing has changed. I have relocated back to within a few hours distance of my family. Nothing has changed between my sister and I.
Her story now is that I wrote her a letter and it was harsh and mean, and that is the whole reason that she has cut me off. Even though this was something I sent to my mom, somehow my sister got her hands on it.
My mom claims that my sister stumbled upon it, that she did not give it to her. Yes, it was mean. I pulled no punches in that letter because it was like a diary exercise. It was never meant for her to read. But she is now using that to justify why she has nothing to do with me. I guess we’ll just ignore the first five years she ghosted me with no reason. Those were just Practice?
At this point, my family is doing two Christmases, I try to go out of town around Thanksgiving, it’s All weird. I did attempt to reach out to her again which she ignored. I’m told that she actually got mad at the rest of the family because she assumed that they put me up to it.
My perspective, when people show you who they are believe them. She has made it clear that I don’t matter to her, and she doesn’t want me in her life. I have Long come to terms with that.
My dad reached out to me a few weeks ago to tell me that my sister is applying to be a sort of big sister of sorts. And she needs three references that aren’t family. Because my last name doesn’t match her, she wants to use me.
I have a number of issues with this.
When my dad asked me if I was willing to be a reference for this, I was absolutely flabbergasted at the audacity. I told him absolutely not and if she wants to use me, she can have the balls to reach out to me directly and have a conversation.
Well, he calls me back a little while later tell me that she already submitted the application and put me down.
So now, I have two emails from this organization asking for a reference.
Other than two family events that we were out together, I haven’t had a conversation with her in a decade. I’ve never asked my parents to divide holidays or events. I can show up where I need to be and conduct myself like an adult.
My parents say they are sick of this divide and just want to be a “family” again. My father has screamed at me about our “silly little thing“. Any attempts to remind them that she ghosted me out of nowhere for years without a word, are met with anger. That I should just get over it.
I am planning to just ignore the emails from the organization. I cannot in good conscience lie.
My bigger question is when my parents come at me about not doing this, how do I navigate it?
Yes, I am a grown ass adult, but dad‘s temper is fearsome. I am currently living in a house He owns, at his request, to help take care of gma (his mother) who is in her 90s. I work remote, so I can live anywhere. It’s absolutely miserable here, but it definitely helps the family out. Once I’m no longer needed here, I will be immediately moving back to where my job is.
I feel confident that I have done the right things on my end, I have attempted hundreds of times to reach out over the years, and finally accepted that I am not a part of her life. I took classes to come to terms with it. And I’m in a good place, I don’t wish any bad things to happen to her, I have accepted the way things are.
It just seems too convenient that the family wants me to ignore those years where my heart was broken because she suddenly cut me off with no reason. I’ve done a lot of work and taken a lot of classes and therapy to be able to communicate about how people treat me. Unfortunately, no one else in my family has.
I feel like I’m all over the place and not clearly explaining anything. I just know that at some point it’s going to be World War III when they come asking about that reference again.
Any advice would be helpful.
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I think it’s telling that she wants to use you as a reference because you’re not family? Does no one else see how that would be upsetting?
I’d give a negative reference. But I can be petty.
You respond to the questions HONESTLY. You explain your situation and relationship (the fact that she is listing her sister as a non-relative is included in this) Explain how much you have seen her and her lack of communication. She didn’t call you and ask you to lie, and you should not lie. What comes from that is NOT your responsibility.
Difficile de donner un quelconque conseil.
Je suis dubitatif sue le fait que ta soeur soit tombée par hasard sur ta lettre d’entrainement, sauf si ta mère est méga bordéliques et laisse trainer des flacons de nitroglycérine sur le bord de l’evier.
Est ce que ton hurleur de père a lu cette lettre entre deux crises vocales. Si non, il peut être intéressant qu’il la lise.
Ta soeur mérite, à mon sens, un courrier salé sur son comportement passé et pas compréhensible ainsi que sur son culot à te demander d’être de ses referents.
Comme on fait son lit on se couche, personne ne viendra vous border (K.Weil)
You can simply say, “I have had no contact with this person in X years so I cannot give a current reference about her. Thank you.” That way you’re not lying and you’re being true to your experience.
You need to move out NOW…..the toxicity has begun, and it will only escalate over the next few days and weeks.
This is your dad’s doing – he’s the one who is forcing your sister to put your name as reference…..it’s a long game of sustained pressure he’s playing to get his girls together….seen it before, everyone involved ends up miserable eventually.
Whatever reasons your sister doesn’t want you in her life, respect the fact that she doesn’t want contact – and move out asap…make some banal excuse if you have to like your wfh is ending and it’s only on site work or whatever.
>I am planning to just ignore the emails from the organization. I cannot in good conscience lie.
don’t ignore it, tell them the truth. be sure to tell them that you are her sister as well, since right there she broke the rules. if she can abandon you, her real sister, for no honest reason then she sure AF can abandon a child the same way. she should not be in the big brothers/big sisters program where a child will be relying on her to be there for them.
“To whom it may concern, x person is in fact my estranged sister that I have not spoken to in years. I did not give her permission to use me as a reference. My apologies that your time has been wasted.”
This lets them know that she’s a liar, she has relationship issues, and she has no respect for boundaries or other people. If she’s trying to be a “big sister” then it’s in the children’s best interest that somebody lets the coordinators know she’s not the best role model. And this is instance it’s not really about you her or the family, it’s about the potential children she might influence.
Email the organization and tell them she is your sister who has been estranged for over a decade. Let them deal with her lies.
Ignore the emails and calls the way your sister did.
Your entire family seems to think that’s a reasonable way to handle things so if they dare mention it tell them you were just following her lead.
Wow. So after reading that letter she was never supposed to see and years of ghosting you where you have no idea why…you are an ideal reference in her eyes? That is wild.
It is also quite telling that she has no close people in her life to use as a reference.
Your dad is blaming you because he knows you are the reasonable one. It isn’t fair.
Be true to yourself. Personally I would just reply that I haven’t had contact with her for years and wouldn’t be a good source of info.
“Dad, would you like me to be HONEST with them, or ignore them? Because I won’t lie for her.”
I feel you. My sister sent me a message years ago telling me how selfish I am, that she loved me but couldn’t do this. Like??? It took 5 years and the death of our Dad to reconcile. During that cut off time my Mom would bring up the ‘let it go’, ‘be the big sister’ and my favorite was think about apologizing. For WHAT???? I would tell our Mom that I didn’t make this decision, my door isn’t closed, and why would I apologize? I don’t know what I did, and I may not even be sorry.
At the Hospice building we talked, well I did. I let her know the door is open, she wanted to reconnect, I said she is welcome to share why she was upset or just let it go and move on. We let it go. Her reasoning didn’t deserve any more of my energy.
Do you WANT to be loving in that house taking care of your grandmother? If so, by all means stay there, but if you do not… then it’s probably time to put some distance between you and your dad’s temper.
First of all, I am so sorry about this whole mess with your sister. I think you’re allowed to just ignore the emails or if you want to reply just say you don’t have a relationship with the applicant enough to provide a reference.
Just say references from family members aren’t valid references.
First, respond to the emails saying you haven’t had contact with your sister in years and can’t in good conscience offer a recommendation.
Second, start getting ready to move. Your father is going to retaliate because you aren’t playing his game. He’s more focused on being happy family than getting to the root of the issue or seeing how you’ve been hurt by your sister’s actions.
You aren’t being “silly.” You’ve tried repeatedly to reach out but have been met with silence and rejection. You aren’t the person causing the rift, and you can’t fix it. At least not alone.
Respond to the request: “I was surprised to get your request because my sister and I have not been in contact with each other for approximately X years so sadly, I don’t believe I can adequately provide you with a reference for her when it comes to such an impacting role within your organization.”
I would be petty. I would f her up and tell them she had no authority to put me as reference. She is the trouble causer and golden child it seems. She can suck eggs!
I would not recommend her, that sets up a child to be hurt by her.
I would also go NC with your mom for betrayal and lying
Updateme
I think I’d go LC with them all.
And your mom betrayed – it was no accident.
You’re also old enough to stand up to your dad. If he kicks you out, he can look after grandma – which is why he won’t do it.
I would say, I don’t know why my sister is using me as a reference because I haven’t seen her in years.
Do not lie to an organisation that serves at risk children. Your sister sounds like she has issues.
It’s really nuts that she would put you down, and that family members would encourage this. I was recently a reference for a friend who is doing Big Sisters. It was a really big deal. The vetting process took six months. My second conversation with them was over an hour long. They had very specific questions and wanted detailed information. How she was with children, with my own daughter, with people, at work, etc. She was approved, but she is also one of the kindest, most generous person I’ve ever known. The little girl matched to her hit the jackpot. Anyway, my point is I don’t even think your sister would be approved if you had to have that conversation with someone. You would have to say you haven’t spoken to her in years, that alone in a major red flag. And it’s not like you can lie about it all, this is about the safety and well-being of a child. To lie about everything would be really bad and not okay for anyone involved.
….. she wants to be a “big sister” while actively cutting out her blood siblings? No, I wouldn’t be doing that. If they called, I’d say “she is my sister, we haven’t spoken in a decade, I cannot give you feedback on her character” and leave it at that.
Go one step further – tell them you in good conscience recommend her as any kind of sister – period. The unmitigated hall to still use you as a reference. After her behavior, and her perceived slight because of the letter that she obviously purloined (or mother betrayed you), it is insane that she would even expect a good result. Plus with your different last name, her using you as a reference even though you are actually a blood relative, violates the stipulation of the reference process. Inform them of that – she is being dishonest.
Who gives af if he has a temper? No means no, and tell him that if he’s going to be an ah, then he can come look after his mother. Don’t be a doormat.
It’s clear on what to do.
Why is this even a question?
I would just give a very blase reference, neither good nor bad. It’s not worth endangering your actual living situation over her drama.
‘Other than two family events that we were out together, I haven’t had a conversation with her in a decade.’
I would write this to the organisation.
Listen.
Do reach out. And advise you are her sister. You have no idea why she would think you were good for a reference as you two have zero relationship. As for her personality…
She is immature, vindictive, cruel, and is unable to form relationships with other adults.
Be honest in replying.
These are at risk children. They have enough crappy influences in their lives.
I’m so sorry you’ve been treated like this, you are so much better, and worth so much more.
I am sorry, I have had no contact with this person for 10 years so I don’t feel I can give an accurate response to your requests. I suggest you reach out to the applicant and get her to give you a more updated referee. Is all you need to say.
>I am planning to just ignore the emails from the organization. I cannot in good conscience lie.
Don’t ignore them, and don’t lie.
“I haven’t spoken to this person in 10 years, so I can’t comment on her ability to do the work. But she’s family, so she shouldn’t have put me down in the first place.”