I went through a break up almost a year ago that absolutely gutted and shattered me. I started depression meds and therapy, but I can never escape the memory. Whether I’m awake or sleeping she’s there. In my dreams, in my thoughts, constantly reminded of her by daily things. The only time I’m not bothered by this is when I’m intoxicated.
Typically my choice is weed, it was alcohol for a bit but then I switched. Every now and then I get drunk. But essentially now I get high everyday. On the weekends I’ll smoke, during the week I’ll take edibles.
I don’t do anything while I’m at work or if I know I’ll be driving. But those sober times are getting harder. I just want to escape into the space of not being so upset and bothered. Being high doesn’t stop the thinking, it changes it. I can stand to have her memories pop up. It doesn’t spike my anxiety or press in my need to have her back. When I’m sober I think about her and think about getting high so I don’t hurt so much.
Initially getting high or drunk was to calm my anxiety enough so I could eat and actually relax for once. I would get so anxious while eating that I would get nauseous. Even if I wasn’t eating I would get so anxious and have racing thoughts. It slowly turned into a way for me to get some sleep. Especially when I went through a period of homelessness and was couch surfing.
Towards the end of that is when I started relying on it more and more. It became my escape and also got me to fall asleep. And it has developed into what it is today. Where I use everyday to mostly escape. Since I do it after work it usually leads to me also getting help with sleep.
There’s no one to blame, it’s on me that I got to this point. What’s even worse is I don’t want to leave it. I’ll never put my job or safety in jeopardy, so I at least know I have somewhat of a handle on things. And I know that if she ever wanted to get back together that I would stop immediately. She was cool with me smoking, we smoked together. But I know she probably wouldn’t want me doing it as much as I do now.
I’m still so in love with her and I want her back. I wish I could have her back.
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That’s a real tough deal man. I’ve struggled too with alcohol and keeping bad thoughts at bay. May be a kind of a generic answer but I’ll say the only thing that worked for me was weightlifting. You hit the gym? I mean it’s not a fix all by any means but it literally can only do good. Checking and fixing your T levels is huge.
This might sound lame, but give it a chance: Have you tried gardening? It has pulled many people out of depression.
Just join a garden club near your apartment. Very few men do. They have great events other than gardening and field trips. Great way to get to meet people !!!!!!