everyday when i wake up, i break down and cry because i am still alive

I am a 27 year old woman. Since day one it seems I just cannot catch a break. My parents didn’t want me, I was heavily abused as a child while my sister was given an amazing life, praised and uplifted each day.

I was told I should have never been born, and I often wish I never was. My mother blamed me for the breakdown of her second marriage (my sister and I had different dads) and never let me forget it. “Things were fine until you came along.”

I started working as soon as I was legally allowed to in my state (14) because if I didn’t buy my food and necessities, I didn’t eat. They would eat dinner together, my mom and sister, then ask me “what are you planning to have?”

Every summer I starved because I could not buy food at school to bring home like I did during the semester. They would come home with food for themselves. And no one would take me to the store.

Any money I made from my job or from birthday / holiday gifts my mom would take and spend it whenever she pleased because I couldn’t have a bank account unless an adult was on it since I was a kid. So even after working all week, I didn’t always have much to spend.

I would go to school hoping for relief and get bullied there too. All the girls hated me. The boys laughed at me and everyone made fun of my old clothes and shoes. My parents had the money. They just didn’t want to buy new things for me. They took my sister shopping all the time without me.

Once for our birthday (same bday, 11 years apart, she is older), our mom took her on a shopping spree and made me come but I wasn’t allowed to buy anything. When I grew out of clothes I had to wear them anyway until my sister was willing to part with some of hers so I could have stuff that fit.

My feet would blister and bleed from the small shoes. I told my school counselor about my mom hitting me and she didn’t notify CPS or anything. No one did anything to help me. I told my father, hoping he would have a change of heart and finally love me, and he called me an “attention-seeking liar” for saying my mom was hurting me.

She would hit me until I bled at times. Her and my sister bullied me into an eating disorder. They would make me stand on the scale and compare their weight to mine, when they did get clothes for me they gave ones they knew were too small then got upset with me for not fitting into them.

I would correct them over and over and they would always say: “oh I thought you were an xs, you must have gained weight.”

Every gift I handmade for them as a kid went into the trash. I found them. I handmade two puzzles once and cut all the individual pieces and wrapped them in a little baggy. They gave each other a “look” that I didn’t know the meaning of until I was older but that was them making fun of me.

I found the puzzles in the trash later that evening.

My family hated me. Kids at school hated me. I hated me. I still do. I was so mentally broken growing up I barely passed high-school. I gave up on all my dreams because all I heard everyday was that I’ll never achieve them. I had so much potential.

Today at 27 I have no one, no friends, never been in love, nothing. Just alone and broken and unable to heal. I have been trying to build a life for myself and not be a product of my past but it just seems impossible. This job market is insane, layoffs are rampant — I’ve lost 2 amazing jobs, now been searching for almost a year despite my extensive experience in my field.

Lost my apartment because I lost my job, and couldn’t get a new one in time. And I always told myself if I have nothing else at least I have a roof over my head and am free from my abusers. But that isn’t even true anymore. Every single day I expressed gratitude for everything I had and yet I lost it all time and time again.

Like I claw myself up from the pits and then it’s all snatched away. Every time. I don’t bother anyone. I’m not selfish or entitled, I just keep to myself. And I give to help others whenever I can. But when I am low, I look around and there is no one.

If I ever want help I have to grovel and beg and people will do it begrudgingly and hold it over my head or try to take advantage of my vulnerability so I stopped asking.

I try to pray but I feel like no one is listening.

To this day the entire family thinks I am a liar who wanted attention meanwhile I have been struggling for the will to live and desperately trying to find any shred of hope. The will to dream again.

My mother always said I shouldn’t have been born. I’m inclined to agree.