I don’t even know where to start, but I need to get this off my chest.
A little under 2 months ago, my wife and I had twins—our first kids. A boy and a girl. It should’ve been one of the happiest times of my life. And for a few days, it was.
Four days after they were born, my dad was hospitalized. He has advanced lung disease and was waiting for a transplant. Things went downhill fast. What started as breathing issues spiraled into a nightmare: he had a lung transplant, then a seizure from high ammonia levels, and now he’s in a minimally conscious state from hypoxic brain damage. He’s on dialysis. He’s had multiple surgeries. The doctors are cautious and vague. Some days he seems to respond—moves his toes, tears up when I talk to him—and then nothing for days. I visit him almost daily, trying to stimulate him, trying to bring him back.
I feel like I’m constantly torn in half. When I’m at the hospital, I feel like I’m abandoning my wife and the twins. When I’m home, I feel like I’m abandoning my dad. And when I’m working—which I still am in a high-pressure job—I feel like I’m failing at everything.
I feel guilty for not helping my wife more. She’s carrying so much of the load at home with the babies, and she never complains. But I see how tired she is, and I hate that I can’t do more. I try, but emotionally and physically I’m just drained. I don’t want her to feel alone in this, but sometimes I feel like I’m barely holding on myself.
And I’m scared. I’m scared of losing my dad. I’m scared of how this is affecting me and my ability to be the dad my kids deserve. I’m scared of burnout. I’m scared of regretting something down the line, no matter what I choose to focus on each day.
Everything is happening at once. Newborns. A critically ill father. A demanding job. Guilt. Uncertainty. And I haven’t really told anyone just how overwhelmed I am. I’m tired of trying to act like I have it all under control. I don’t. I’m just doing the best I can, hoping that’s enough.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Comments
I know this place isn’t for advice and you’re just venting, but maybe having this conversation with your wife might ease at least one of these burdens and take the weight off.
A simple “babe this is what I’m feeling when I go to the hospital” etc, she seems really understanding and maybe hearing it from her might ease that guilt and lessen the load a little bit whilst you juggle it all.
All the best for your Dad, sorry to hear he is going through this.
I feel for you and all you’re going through, but don’t go it alone. Talk to someone, especially your wife. She sounds amazing. Talk to your boss. Maybe they can cut you some slack. Talk with your minister or priest if you have one– if not, talk with a friend, family member. The main thing is get it out, share your burden. Heck, talk to your dad. It can only help. Keeping it all in will affect you, maybe even in ways you don’t notice. I wish you luck, and if you’re desperate enough, DM me. Take good care of yourself.