It sounds crazy but it’s true. Long story short is I’ve been suicidal and depressed since I was 9 years old (Currently I am 21F). In school I did ok and got into an average uni. In uni I really realised how depressed I was because I was alone and my parents weren’t there to take care of me. I was spending 4 straight days in bed not doing anything and I failed a bunch of exams first semester. By this point I had tried concerta, fluoxetine and sertraline. I went to my gp and she put me on citalopram. However I had exams coming up and I couldn’t really wait 6 weeks for the citalopram to kick in so I started doing cöcaine. I had done it once before at a party and it made me so happy so I did it again.
I remember that day so specifically. I was no longer tired and my body didn’t feel like a million bricks. The voice in my head that kept telling me to go kill myself for the past 11 years if my life disappeared. I never felt better. And so I started doing it everyday. I went from lying in my bed for 4 days straight to spending 10 hours at the library studying. Anyway I learnt a whole years worth of stuff in about 3 weeks. Id do cocaine everyday about 5 times (a little line each time) And I passed my exams! And when I went back to my home country for the summer for 3 months I was sober.
It wasn’t too bad being sober. Because now that I knew what not being depressed was like even when I sometimes felt suicidal I kept telling myself that life isn’t that bad. For my second year of uni when I came back I found it impossible for me to study. And with the winter coming I found myself barely able to get out of bed and suicidal again. So what do I do? Cocaine. And again it fixed my life. I got my shit together started going to class and studying. Ofc I don’t have all the money in the world. So I’d pace myself. 3gs every month. So if I had little left and a week left till my next re up I’d save it or not do some for few days. Id ration my coke for the month.
And yeh. That was like 2 years ago. I still do coke everyday. I do other drugs too Ofc but recreationally. All bc of coke I am now a star student. All my professors love me. People come to for help with their assignments. All my grades are A’s. I’ve learnt so much and I am a very scholarly person now all thanks to coke. Ofc doing coke everyday is no way to be. It’s expensive, its bed for my heart etc. but I don’t know how else to be.
I am very close with my parents and they’re super strict Muslims. So strict that they don’t believe in psychological medication. When I was 16 and I started taking sertraline my mom and my dad both called me a drug addict (haha foreshadowing) and when they learnt that it didn’t work they told me that I wasted their money and that everything going on is in my head. And they forbade me from taking any kind of other medication. Ofc when I turned 18 I went to my gp (I live in the U.K.) and she prescribed me bunch of stuff but nothing worked on my brain. I kind of resent my parents. Because they don’t realise £200 missing from my bank account every month but they’d get so mad if they found out I talked to a therapist or took any medication. So in a way they made me an addict.
I feel so ambivalent. I know coke is bad but I don’t know what else to do. No psychological medicine is allowed because of my parents and even if they did allow if I’ve tried so much shit I don’t think anything will work. But I don’t know what else to do. I’m sober if I’m not studying or doing uni work. But there’s still 2 years more to my degree. I’m conflicted.
EDIT- Ik some people will say I’m justifying my addiction bc of my parents. But they are a huge reason why I’m doing coke. If I was on anti depressant, I can’t stop overnight and go on holiday with them. I’ll have withdrawal and start throwing up. With coke I just hide the coke in the house and go on holiday feel perfectly fine.
Also regarding adhd, a private diagnoses is £4000 and I am financially reliant on my parents and they would never pay that much for a adhd diagnoses. They don’t realise £100 missing every month tho. My parents also check my phone and messages. I can hide one text to my dealer every month from my parents. I can’t hide multiple calls and emails and texts from psychiatrists or doctors or people calling to confirm an appointment. And if you say don’t give them your phone. If I don’t they psychically hold me down and take my phone away from me and check my phone, messages, pictures, everything. So yeh. Idk what to do. And I can’t draw a boundary between them bc like I said they’ll just take my phone away as soon as I try to set boundaries.
Comments
Doesn’t this basically mean you’d do well with a prescription of Adderall?
At some point, your coke use is going to spiral out of control and take over your life, and you will no longer be doing so well.
Talk to your doctor about your ADHD and getting proper supervised meds for it. The road you’re on leads to calamity.
Average drug addict trying to justify their addiction
This is not sustainable.
I know it gives you that euphoria and that good feeling at the moment. Just be careful because there can be long-term effects with daily use. I do it as well not every day. The amount i do is more than you do. I’ll usually do it twice a month over a 2 day period. So 4 days in total. I try not to do anything harder than that.
the comedowns & the runny nose is intolerable for me. all my good friends do it often but they take care of their adult stuff so i don’t judge lol
Uh, you’re describing what my life felt like before being diagnosed with ADHD and, while to an extreme, the way I feel when being treated with Adderall (a stimulant like cocaine is a stimulant)
Please genuinely look into ADHD symptoms in women, a lot of us self-medicate to function, especially in school. A lot of us also then wind up with addictions.
Wow, there’s some dicks in this sub reddit. Dependency is always linked to trauma and severe depression since 11 years old is just further proof. You arent chasing a high, you’re maintaining your life. The amount of people who maintain their lives while using street chemicals are in the millions. I don’t know how it is in the UK, but adhd is typically completely missed in uterine people. I would be willing to bet anything that if you looked into it and found a decent doctor you would be diagnosed. Think about it this way. All those meds you were on help people every single day. If the problem was not something those meds treated, they wouldn’t work. Coke is an upper, SSRIs are NOT. Find a group of neurodivergent peers in at your university. Tell them of your struggles. You may he able to find a doctor that will get you on something different, if that is what you want, or you may even be able to find a safe use facility to keep you from a spiral. You arent doing ANYTHING WRONG by keeping yourself stable.
You are using coke to self medicate. That is not the answer. The root problem will always be there
You’re so deep in denial about your addiction…
If you stopped taking coke you’d be able to afford a private assessment for adhd
I wonder if you have ADHD and whether dexamfetamines would help. They helped me.
Yikes, I work in ENT, please don’t do this unless you want your septum to disappear and your nose to collapse. I’ve seen it time and time again. Nothing you can do stop fix it either, you either get fitted for a nasal prosthetic or you walk around with a hole in your face. It’ll start as a hole in your septum and it’ll continue to get bigger until your septum can no longer keep the shape of your nose.
Ok wow, thanks for sharing that. Im really sorry you struggle with depression. That sucks so bad and my heart goes out to you. I can relate to your story as well. I’m sober now but for years and years, I too used cocaine to motivate me. Not for school, but for other responsibilities nonetheless. It was AMAZING at first, but then it was too hard on my conscience and mental health, so I went to rehab and have been mostly sober (give or take a few brief relapses) since first reaching out. You say you’re conflicted, and I’m conflicted with what I think about your story too! If you’re being truthful, it sounds like you are accomplishing a lot and leading a better life with daily cocaine usage, with breaks here and there. If I could give you any advice at all, it would be to find a GP you trust, and be 100% truthful with them. They can’t make you stop or turn you in, and they could keep tabs on how this is effecting your health. Plus, you might find a big relief in telling someone. The lying and secrecy really weighed heavily on me after a while. My using was so good at the beginning as well, but then I began to rely on it for EVERYTHING. Until spending all my money on it, along with my mental health, it all came crashing down on me pretty hard. So please be safe and use responsibly my friend.
You’re going to go into early cardiac failure by doing cocaine daily. Like others have mentioned look into trying something your doctor can prescribe.
I lived like you did until I was 28, then it all came crashing down and I almost died (several times actually). I have level 1 autism and ADHD, I’ve been sober now for almost 7 years. I hope you survive too.
There’s a bit of placebo going on here. A small line – especially only 5 small ones over a day – it wears off after 45mins or so.
Anyway that aside please be aware that you are hardening up your arteries, setting yourself up for a future heart attack. I enjoy the odd few lines as well but I’d never do it every day.
I would agree with the other people here a doctor might be a good place to get some more sustainable meds.
Get bloodwork done to see if you’re deficient in anything , withdrawal from any chemical can spiral you into depression fast so in order to avoid this you must exercise, healthy diet and take vitamins (supplements).Also proper withdrawal from cocaine might need medication.
I was a highly functioning meth addict for a very long time. I quit when I found out I was pregnant. I have thought about doing it again (24 years later) because I’m old and fat and have no energy.
I often wonder if I had seen a doctor if I would have been diagnosed with something like ADHD or depression or something.
I kept good jobs, I did great work, I always paid my bills.
I’m going to CO-SIGN the OP’S experience….. i havent done coke in like 13yrs. I will say i was much more productive and happier on it.
How does it feel? Best way i can summarize it for myself…. i felt like a 7ft millionaire with a 12 inch schlong with endless confidence,charisma, and euphoria.
Why did i stop? HEALTH…. i believe it wouldve eventually killed me. I felt that initial rush…. my heart couldnt handle much more of that. Pharmaceutical grade sure.. but street stuff… nope and this was before fentanyl was tossed in everything
What about a psych hospital? They could diagnose you with adhd and get you on medicine.
Wait until you start having heavy withdrawals from so much usage and your dealer ran out or went to jail. Thats when reality will set in. Hopefully you don’t reach that point but i wish you well.
U def have adhd. I always joked with my friends that if I never got on adderal and vvyvanse that I would be a coke addict. But I am now on Wellbutrin which is an antidepressant and used for adhd bc it’s a stimulant and intuniv which is a nonstimalanf adhd medication but also helps with anxiety by slowing your body down (blood pressure medication).
Weed? Can get a legal lisence in uk pretty easy
Dose makes the poison. It’s true for water and oxygen and dairy, meat, alcohol, salt, coffee, sugar and thousands of other compounds, including even Erythroxylum coca leaves and its extracts. You’re not alone, and there were millions before you who benefited from the alkaloids of that plant, and there are millions who still do. Yes, in its concentrated form, it can be one of the more addicting compounds in the world. But there is no denying that it can work on motivation and feeling good about life. As others have noted, if there are other compounds you can try to see if they work better, you’ll be safer, not only psychologically but also legally. But good on you for finding a way out of despair, as well as knowing how to titrate your consumption so that, like those of us who use espresso or other forms of stimulants, you figure out what amount is beneficial, and what amount is poison.
I had the same experience when my psych diagnosed me with ADHD after decades of crippling depression and anxiety. Adderall completely removed the suicidal thoughts. I’m still fucked up 10 ways to Sunday and not terribly functional but its way better than wanting to die constantly. It sounds like a prescription for ADHD meds is hard to come by in the UK (not that easy in the US for adults either, tbh) but I wish you luck. If coke is the only way you can make it work then you do what you have to do.
Your parents sound like a pain but if its a question of suicide vs 4k in health bills most parents would cough up the money.
I do want to caution you, the addiction mind that hides the coke habit can infiltrate all kinds of things and really fuck up your life.
It’s very bad for your nose, OP. Please stop. Your nose will literally rot and fall off.
The long-term effects of nose candy will eventually rear its ugly head.
The post is definitely long and only makes sense. The amazing thing is I don’t think you mention how bad you feel after the dopamine depletion..TLDR if you did.
Like all hard drugs including alcohol, it rips you up from the inside. I’m sure your nasal passages have begun to see the effects.
Hope you find a better way through life.
At the very least, if you don’t stop doing coke, please at least start taking a pde-5 inhibitor like cialis, a vasodialator will lessen the vasoconstrictive nature of cocaine, improving the risk profile. But please find a better solution than cocaine
What if you just buy Ritalin or vyvanse or adderal illegally and try that instead of cocaine
Glad I got a full ride scholarship including tuition or board to get away from my parents. Just got through my struggles somehow. Finally got medication at 29, Lexapro helps so much.
I wasn’t a 4.0 student, and never could be without Lexapro, but I made it work.
I guess in another life I’d be rationalizing my cocaine use. It’s just hard to sympathize with someone still dependent on their abusive parents when their in college.
Hear me out. Get away from your parents. Get an ADHD diagnosis and get proper medication.
I know ADHD means that you’d rather do the quick fix for 5 years and get nowhere than start it now and make progress. It does matter. Do the thing. Right now.
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