My Ex 59M married the woman he cheated on me with 63F. They never had children together but we have 4. Well, my kids have been telling me recently some of the things she has been doing to them since they were younger, and some recently. She picks on my youngest F24, when her dad isn’t around. Calls her names, and has been really disrespectful towards her. She uninvited my oldest to her dad’s 50th birthday party, and apparently once when she went to her house to visit her dad told her to stay in bed and sleep in. Once he left the house, his wife told my daughter that she wasn’t allowed to stay at her home while she ( the step witch), and her dad were at work and that my daughter had to leave. Again, my kids kept this from me because they knew I wouldn’t tolerate it. So, I sent a text to my ex telling him what I’d recently found out about how his wife has been treating OUR kids and I wanted to know what he was going to do about it. Well, he blew me off and never answered me.
So, now I’m trying to figure out what my next steps should be. Yes, my kids are adults. But, they’re afraid to say anything back to his wife because of fear that he will AGAIN choose her over them and stop interacting with them – which he has done in the past. Do I go straight to him? Because I don’t care if he never in life speaks to me again. Or, ask her to be kinder to my kids. She wants them to consider her as their stepmom, but in the 15 years she and their dad have been married she has never earned that title.
Any suggestions will help.
Please and Thank You!
Back story: he divorced me while I was going through breast cancer treatment and married her less than a year later. They’ve been married for 15 years now, and this has been going on for quite a while.
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Tell your kids he already chose his wife over them the moment he didn’t stop her from treating them that way. Then encourage your children to get therapy.
Respectfully, friend, your youngest is a fully grown adult. They get to be the boss of their relationship with their dad and with his wife. Your job is to be a safe and stable parent for them. What goes on in his house isn’t your business, and that can be either a blessing or a curse. You get to decide.
Your children are adults. Why are you still getting involved? They’re old enough to see for themselves and he’s not going to change.
She won’t say anything to her dad because whenever he is confronted regarding anything concerning her he shuts down and finds excuses to not speak to them. So, they just take it.
They need to come to terms with the man he is and not who they want him to be. Decide for themselves if they want to continue to have a relationship with him. They know he will choose her over them that’s why they haven’t said anything to him. That’s what they need to figure out in therapy. They need to grey rock her. At this point there is no changing her behavior towards them to her they are a constant reminder of what she never gotten the chance to have. Instead of her working that out in therapy she been taking it out on them. There isn’t anything you can do all she’s going to do is lie and deny it.
Wow! Very well said! Thank you!
I was an adult when my mum shacked up with a guy for 13 years and he did lots of things to isolate her from me and my 2 siblings (at the time they met aged 32 to 22). bBecause we were raised in a house where when our dad was grumpy/tired we steered clear of poking the bear, and thus we are great at avoiding confrontation.
It’s easy to say the youngest is an adult and can handle things themselves but obviously she is struggling and wants to maintain a relationship with her dad.
Remember that Step Mum has been involved with this person since the age of 9 and if Step Mum has been on a campaign of divide and conquer it’s not that easy to break mind sets and habits trained into you.
It certainly is a difficult situation. Perhaps a sit down with Ex & kids only, no Step Mum and see if you can mediate a solution. But only if you can remain calm to facilitate some constructive dialogue.
Wow. Your ex and his new wife sound awful and like they deserve each other.
Your kids are adults, so in theory they should be able to stand up for themselves, but I also know how hard it is to do that.
It might be time for them to go low/no contact with him because this isn’t healthy. For them, or for you.
You and your kids deserve so much better than that.
They are adults and old enough to know when someone doesn’t want anything to do with them. If they don’t then you failed as a parent to raise them to defend themselves in situations like this wether you knew it was happening or not
All you can do is be there for them. As much as it sucks to watch your children are grown adults so this is their battle not yours.
Your kids are adults. They can make the choice to cut him off.
He’s chosen her over them they must now challenge him on that or the will loose him totally
Good grief, your adult children all need to grow backbones and simply stand up for themselves.
If their cheating scumbag of a father stops talking to them, it’s a win for THEM.
Stop helicoptering and keep your face out of your kids’ fights.
The benefit of being adults means they don’t have to visit their step-monster if they don’t want to. It’s too bad they didn’t tell you some of these things when they were going on years ago, but now they can see for themselves what a POS their father is.
Your kids are adults I’m so confused why they can’t just advocate for themselves?