I (F30) was with him (M 30) for 8 years.
The first two years were great, but the rest were rocky. We cyclically fought about the same 2 things since 2020. We rarely ever budged.
It took me three years of begging for him to finally go out with me more. I couldn’t give myself to him sexually because I didn’t feel an emotional connection. It was a vicious cycle.
I really love him, I adore him. When I think of him, I cherish everything about him. At the same time, I remember all the times he was mean. Accusing me (he says “jokes”) that I don’t appreciate, love, or want him. Accused me of using him for money (we make the same amount and split everything). He said I never invited him to do things, but when I did he’d turn it down- family vacations, movies with friends, etc. told me he liked work better than being at home because they appreciate him more.
All of that hurt so much, along with him icing me out when he’s upset, fighting with me when I tell him how I feel. All I ever wanted was quality time with him. I cried tears of joy when he built me a garden in my backyard, when he spent 10 hours in a hospital with me on our first date. I always complimented him, told him how smart he is, handsome, how he’s capable of so much ..didn’t mind that he video games and I’d game with him too.
We still talk. It hasn’t been a full month since the breakup. I feel like someone could make me really happy- that I wouldn’t be anxious near them. Someone who would talk to me while we’re out in public. Not give me stank face 70% of the time we’re out in public.
It’s hard for me to move on. He keeps apologizing for everything. He’s sorry for joking about me not loving him (I told him each time it’d upset me he’d say that, and he still would), sorry I felt like he liked being out of home more than at home. That his dad is right, he should be more present and not focus solely on a goal. Just apologizing for everything- even not complimenting me a lot.
I feel like we gave each other so many chances. Each fight ended with him saying this is his breaking point. And I can only hear that so much.
But with him apologizing, I just don’t know what to do. I still love him, but I feel like I should move on. It is hard to though. We’re broken up, but the thought of moving on makes me feel like I’m betraying him and all the years we spent together.
TL;DR cyclical fighting never resolved, hurt feelings throughout the years. He reached out still. I still love him but unsure what to do