I’m 25F with my boyfriend 30M of 2 years. He’s been divorced for 7+ years and shares custody of their 2 children with his ex wife. Is it normal for her to be at every single family function? Not only does she go to all the events with the kids (understandable), but she’s also still good friends with his family and gets invited to birthday parties and events of HIS family members (parents, aunts, uncles, etc.).
I’m not very comfortable going to these events and often being seated by his ex wife as she’s laughing it up with the family. She has so much history with the family that I feel like I’m the outsider in the situation. However, at the same time it feels bitchy to ask him to change up a part of his life he and the kids have been living for so many years. Is it typical for an ex to be this involved?
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Honestly decide if you can do this forever. If this hasn’t stopped now it’s not going to. Personally I couldn’t handle being constantly reminded I’m the second partner.
Yes this is normal. It’s your insecurity to deal with. Remember that relationships are not a competition. Family can like both of you.
Yep get used to she ain’t going anywhere! Or break up!
I think its complicated. This guy was divorced at the ripe old age of 23 and presumably had two children by then as well. He and his former wife probably grew up with his family taking care of them and their children and those bonds don’t just fall away.
This is normal, your insecurities need to get checked at the door. Don’t be the toxic one.
I can understand the discomfort, but you’ll need to understand that she has a history with the family that can’t just be discarded, especially with sharing the kids.
On the other hand, you’re the newcomer and will take time to build a rapport and history with your new family. Even if your partner wanted to, it would still take time to cut out the ex without drama, and even then, not entirely cos of the kids. It is what it is.
What’s more important is how your partner is treating you. Is he sensitive to the dynamic, and is he doing anything to help you fit in, or is he contributing to the alienation? Speak to him about your feelings.
Just remember that if you stay with this man she will always be a part of his life. ALWAYS!!
My husband married his high school girlfriend and they did NOT have kids. They divorced and he met me. We’ve been together almost 20 years and I STILL have to deal with his ex wife. She still comes to family events because she’s his cousins best friend. Some of his family still skips up and calls me by her name. We get mail for this woman at our house (4th house he’s lived in since divorcing her). I’ve recently gotten debt collection calls for this woman because when they do a trace on her it links her to my husband from 20+ years ago and then he’s linked to me. My in laws still have wedding photos of them hanging up in their house. Before I met my husband I wouldn’t date men with kids because I wasn’t keen on family drama but I took a chance with him because they didn’t have kids. Jokes on me. I probably deal with this woman more than others deal with ex spouses in co-parenting situations.
If you can’t handle it, break up. I couldn’t do it, but that’s my issue. In my opinion, there will never be room in his family for you, as they still consider SHE to be part of it. And for them it’s normal. If you question, you will be creating problems.
It might not typical, but who cares what’s typical – this is how THIS family is. And it’s not on you to change it. Honestly, this type of situation is best for the kids.
Not everyone tosses people off a cliff when a divorce happens. If it’s not acrimonious, if no one did anything horrible, and the marriage just ended….why should someone cut ties with someone that they love and had been in their family for years? Family isn’t black & white. Especially when kids are involved. It’s better for the kids when the adults in their lives actually like each other and get along. There’s no putting the kids in between and more love for the kids.
As long as his family isn’t doing anything negative towards you – like comparing you to her or ignoring you – then you need to decide whether this type of family is the type you want to be a part of. There’s definitely people who couldn’t be in a family like that….if that’s you then the right thing to do is to remove yourself not breakup a happy family.
Sounds pretty healthy for the kids and the stability of their lives.
Your choice on what you are comfortable with, but yeah… it would come off as “bitchy” because well, it objectively is pretty bitchy to try and cut this out if they aren’t flirting with each other and shit.
God damn I wish my parents could have been more civil post-divorce, would have made my and my sisters lives SO much better.
There is no “normal”. There’s healthy and unhealthy and all sorts of scenarios can fall into each of those categories.
There are two reasons (and sometimes both at the same time) that these kind of invitations carry on post divorce with the ex-in-laws.
They genuinely still think of her like family.
They are afraid that if they don’t, she will restrict access to the kids and be less flexible.
I’ve now been with two men with ex wives who were invited to all of those things and in both cases, it was a combination of both though more heavily #2.
I get it. It’s uncomfortable. But for me anyway, with time, I actually got on quite well with the exes. Decent coparenting relationship, helping each other out, etc. And for me at least, it got a lot easier when they remarried too so their husbands got included too and we could feel awkward together. LOL
Hang in there.
i’m that ex but without kids, and while i wasn’t invited to every party, i’m still welcome even though we’ve been divorced for longer than we were married and he’s now remarried. it’s just a super welcoming family that doesn’t believe in kicking anyone out. myself and other family exes who still hang out on occasion are known as the ‘outlaws’ instead of ‘in-laws.’
i’ve hung out a lot with my ex and whoever he was seeing at the time and i personally always made an effort to not hang on inside jokes or talk about the past too much, i never wanted any of them to feel like my relationship with him was more important than theirs. i was actually bffs with one of them for a couple of years while they were dating.
if she’s just hanging with the fam, let yourself get used to it. maybe get to know her. you might like her.
Yes, and if your not good with it, get out now! It will not change. Some family dynamics are like that…
Just get over yourself and show that you can play nice in the sandbox.
Gotta get used to it or dip. Bc she’s been in his life for years and that makes her family. If they don’t have bad blood then she’s always going to be around
However on the plus side it does say that this family is welcoming and a lot of your awkwardness is on your end not theirs. They have kids as well so the exes being able to have a great relationship is the best scenario. If you’re too fragile to handle that then you are not the woman for this man.
Dating a single parent isn’t easy. You have to deal with so much extra stuff. I don’t think I would have ever been able to do it.
I guess you can look at it a couple of ways. You can sit there at these events feeling intimidated and not want to interact to the point of possibly ending your relationship. Or you can change your tactics and be super outgoing, ask to go to your in-laws when there aren’t events to bond with their family and don’t be afraid to interject into any conversation. She is part of the past, but will always be around as long as the kids are. You can be part of the future if you really want to. But it won’t be easy.