I a sahm 30/f decided to work things out with my husband 30/m after a 6 month separation. We’re both great parents I’m proud to say. Our babies are always our priority. Probably to a fault. The main issue was in the 10 years we’ve been together, he has never planned anything. Not dates, not hangouts, not holidays, not anything. I mention it to him every 4-6 months. He always claims there’s no money. Which by no means do we have a lot. We make sacrifices so I can stay home. But without money for his bday I planned ahead. Got him a book and made sure he could game all day with his friends. I took the kids to his parents. I do that for his special occasions. Him? He forgot my bday. My son 4 at the time asked to make me a cake. I ended up eating it in my kids bedroom with them out of the pan. That was my bday.
I finally said enough. I didn’t want to be disappointed so I sat home down, explained everything and what I had problems with. Of course he was hurt and acted like it was a blind side. It was difficult to navigate living together, kids, finding a part time job. But I was enjoying my “freedom”. Idk how I’d make it with 3 toddlers and a 5 yr old. He threatened to take the kids and everything we had. Until he realized he couldn’t do what I do and do everything without me. So we lived cordial.
A couple months ago he took out a loan for an almost $3,000 pc so he could game. Fine. I supported it. A few weeks ago I saw a ring I absolutely wanted at Pandora. It ended up being a HUGE markdown ($30 total) Win for me. But I had to beg for it and go get it myself. I don’t just get surprised with special gifts. It’s been a decade and I don’t even have a wedding ring.
Anyway, today he wanted to go two hours away to look for work boots. The kids and I wanted out of the house to we tagged alone. He was frustrated the whole way. He spent 40 mins inside. He wanted to spend $250-300 on work boots. I had a problem with this so I voiced it. He screamed I get what I want. And if I wasn’t going to wear my ring why did I beg for it. So he’s aware I shouldn’t have to beg for something. He told me to go f**k myself and go be with someone else. We were all in the van. So I cried quietly. I promise I don’t ask for a lot. Everything I get is for my kids. He said things would be so much easier and to just leave him alone.
I don’t have family or anyone to help. So I figure out my own things. But I can’t keep this bottled up. Not to mention yes, I’m a sahm but i do everything for him. He works and comes home. And thinks that’s it. Another story.
I told myself if I’m miserable I’ll be okay. I’m doing it for my kids. We’d have to live cordial and be done for real this time. Hearing him say what he said and how he did made my physically ill. Am I expecting too much? Am I being unreasonable? I don’t want to ruin things. My 5 year old was devastated when we weren’t sleeping in the same bed and daddy was in the basement. Idk. I’m lost and hurt but mostly tired. Do I suck this up and make it work?
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Yes you are expecting to much outta this useless good for nothing lil boy go find you so self love the man your ment to be with will follow
I am all for family & hate seeing families not stay together, but at 30 10 years in I’d ask you to observe the last ten years and see if this is what you want forever. Just an observation from your post. He prioritizes boots, makes time to buy boots, makes a budget to buys boots and gets boots. He knows how to prioritize and how to make room & attention for what is important to him. I think he’s telling you you are not important & not a priority. Because you are a SAHM he knows your options are limited. I’d encourage you to line up options, have an exit plan. Then after he’s given you more evidence of who he is & how he’ll continue to be, you can leave if that’s what you want to do.
It sounds like this relationship is at its end. Maybe figure out how you can make the kids etc all work well as a single parent. Once youre organised, ask for that divorce. Its never easy to end a relationship and there’s always the blind hope that it could work out, but he sounds like hes resentful of you not working. Finances are a burden hes been carrying and hes got some anger there about it.
Get a job and get out you’ll be happier and so will your kids
It sounds like your husband doesn’t like you; he certainly doesn’t appreciate or consider you. Start working on an exit plan even though with this many small kids, it’s going to be insanely hard. You may be able to find a WFH job like hospital scheduler. You can’t keep modeling this relationship dynamic for your kids or this will be what they’ll end up with, too.
He knows how you feel – and doesn’t care. He didn’t forget your birthday, he hurt you on purpose.
If you stay you will be teaching your kids how to be abusers and doormats. He didn’t want you to go along today because he wanted to buy those boots and wear them home so they couldn’t be returned.
Your 5 yo is learning that a man screams abuse – don’t you dare use his feelings about you not sleeping in the same bed as a reason to keep teaching him that verbal, emotional and financial abuse are okay.
Yes, this time it has to be over for real.