We have been together for 7 years since I was 18 and he was 21.
In the middle of the week he texted me to ask if I was free this Saturday to finish up our divorce papers.
The day he texted was supposed to be our 7 year anniversary and this Saturday is my birthday.
He said he forgot.
There’s been a lot of crazy stuff that has happened in this relationship, but the realization that he never cared just blew me away.
So how can I move forward? How do I get back out in the world and start living after so long in this? Like, places to go or activities to do?
And also if you have any advice for getting through this please let me know. I would like to remain as amicable as possible.
(Side note he freaked out after he realized he did this ((I told him)) and thought I would try to get alimony or something because of it, and I had to explain that’s another way he doesn’t know me because I don’t want anything from him)
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You are, so SO young. You have all the time in the world, I mean that. As someone who divorced at 27, I’m in my second marriage now at 34 and it is SO SO SO much better. You learn so much about yourself the first time around, and learn exactly what you do and don’t deserve. And you’re actually able to know now what love absolutely doesn’t look like.
And cheers to getting divorced when you’re still hot!
Make it part of your new year, new you celebration. You can sign on your birthday and make it part of your celebration.
You are starting a new year of your life without a man who doesn’t know you at all, didn’t even have the date ring a bell in his head when he asked, and now you are free.
Starting over is scary, but also really exciting. Get some friends and/or family together, and have a nice dinner or party.
When you sign the papers, treat it as if it’s something for work. If you have to tell yourself to be professional or something, do that.
But it’s okay to be sad, too. Divorce is hard. It’s an ending, but don’t let yourself forget that you have a whole new life ahead of you. And he may have cared. Some people just don’t do details well. Try not to focus on him not caring – maybe he cared as much as he knows how to care, and that’s just not good enough for you.
Focus on the times ahead, not what’s behind you. There is so much good ahead of you.
Take some time to enjoy not being responsible for anyone other than yourself. Concentrate on things like work, education, friends, eating healthy, exercising, trying new things, traveling. Get to know yourself as an adult. And then think about dating again. There’s nothing like knowing you can take care of yourself to keep you from accepting less than you are worth. Good luck!
Sign the papers and let this birthday be the beginning of a new life for yourself. Move on and leave this man behind. Just remember in the future you owe him nothing.
Remember this moment every time you remember your relationship and thank your lucky stars you got out early.
Do you have a lawyer? Get a lawyer. Call your states bar association and ask for help finding one you can afford or that’s free if you qualify for their volunteer lawyer program or a legal aid lawyer.
Do not sign anything without at least speaking to an attorney and having them look the papers over. If you want to give up your rights, fine, but please do so from a place of being informed rather than a place of ignorance.
And congratulations. You’re very soon going to be free of this jerk who’s only worry isn’t ruining your birthday for the rest of your life, but pissing you off ONCE when you still hold enough power to actually cause some consequences for being a giant jackhole to affect him.
i mean… divorce him, so you can legally be free of him. then go do what makes you happy.
You were with him for a long time, when you were very young, but that has a huge influence on you.
Don’t think of moving on, but of doing things you wanted to do, but didn’t. Making more/new friends, have new experiences, travel, go to art galleries, go to concerts, try Pilates… things like this work better while you’re living an interesting life… if you “try to move forward”, it’s like trying to fall asleep while experiencing a pulsating toothache; that’s all you’re concentrating on… doing things and meeting people helps many fulfills many other requirements: distraction, interesting experiences, pleasure, fun, and the more friends I mentioned above.
Sign the papers and then post – Best Birthday gift ever! Here is to my new life and adventures!
24F, you’re so very young, and and by him asking you to sign divorce papers on your birthday and anniversary it’s just a validation that you made the right choice. Can I tell you something? You’re so young that you’re still able to go get that education, travel or live abroad, or move to a big city and leave everything behind for a while. If you’re in the US or even abroad, I would highly encourage you to do something radical and move to a big city away from your family and friends and give your self an opportunity to experience new things. The city you have always lived in the lifestyle you you have always had will always be there for you to come back to. You have no children and no husband no responsibilities this is the time of your life to make radical choices. Like I said, were you from and where you’re at will still be there, if you decide that’s really the place that you want to be, you can come back. Expand your horizons now is the time before you’re saddled with a husband kids and a mortgage and a career to live intensely. It may not seem like it to you now, but in 5 years, your ex-husband will be well in your rear view mirror. He will be a few paragraphs in the story of your life
“ no I am not free that day”
Or
“ yes this will be the best birthday present ever”
And
If you’re entitled to alimony, get it . If you are entitled, that means you put in your time and effort probably into raising children, and you deserve it.
You may not be entitled and that’s OK
Why do you want remain as amicable as possible with someone who doesn’t care about you (at best) or deliberately timed their message to hurt you or get a rise out of you (worse)?
Being apologetic after the fact doesn’t cost much or take much time, but is effective in manipulating kind people. Tell him to send you the papers, get a lawyer to review and take their advice. Keep your ex at a distance particularly on your birthday. It’s a day to celebrate you and you should spend it treating yourself and around people who actually love and support you. I can just imagine your meeting with your ex ending up in tears and/or worse, sex for old time’s sake, and it will mar that birthday for you for a long time.
Celebrate your birthday knowing you are no longer burdened with such a thoughtless person. You deserve so much more than him. Salute
Take it for the birthday gift it is of finally being rid of him.
Have an alimony, why not
Honey, this is 100% your call.
“Yes, I am ready to be free of you.”
OR
“No, it’s my birthday. Wait until I have time for you and your petty concerns.”
Whatever feels right to you IS right. Don’t question it.
Congratulations on the next chapter of your life. It’s going to be amazing.
Hence the divorce.
What a beautiful birthday present.
I have been through two divorces. My second one was the worst. My ex did everything possible to ruin a holiday or my birthday. Always sent a nasty threatening email or legal papers, etc. we spent 5 days in divorce court. Took three years to get the divorce (partially because of COVID and the court system being backed up. I caught (hired a PI) him having an affair. I could write a Lifetime movie over all the antics he did to try to keep me from getting anything. And I thought he was the love of my life. Now I don’t know if I will ever trust or believe a man ever again.
I only am telling you this because things could be a lot worse. At least you are trying to be amicable. I can’t and he isn’t amicable. Fortunately we don’t have kids together. My mother passed away in May. His mother came to see my mom a lot before she passed. My ex never did. And he didn’t even send so much as a text to say he was sorry to hear she passed.
I don’t believe yours did those things on purpose, because life does get hectic and people forget especially when going through something like a divorce. And he did apologize when you told him.
You will be fine. Time will pass and if you have as good of friends as I do, they will be there for you to help you get through it. Time heals everything. And someday you may be lucky enough to meet someone else who will be even a better fit for you.
You should be celebrating, imo. No good marriage ends in divorce. Bet when you move on you’ll realize how much happier you are without him. My divorce was a great thing for me. My life improved in so many ways, and now I’m 9 years in with a person I cannot imagine my life without.
You should find things that are fun to do. Like reading? Join a book club! Like painting? Join a local group! Like hiking? Join a hiking meetup. Like board games? Go to a local game store board game night. If you just wanna date around and go out with dudes, get on an app and meet some people.
Without knowing you, I can’t recommend more than that.
24 is so young. Keep in keeping on. You’ll be fine.