21F here
Him 21M
Just wanted to see some different perspectives and views!
Even advice or insights. I uploaded this to ai to problem solve and create some boundaries but now I need human insights. I’m not open to leaving our relationship even if the response below sounds dramatic. I just typed out everything I was feeling previously in the moment and included extra information I gave ai.
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So i got upset at my boyfriend yesterday and i feel as if it was due to my excitement being diminished. I ended up crying in front of him for the first time which i never do but i tell him i usually dont talk abt my emotions verbally because ill cry. I usually type them out or something. But we had agreed that i would decorate my side of his car. My seat and he was so down for it and even told his friends about it. When the time comes i got things i thought were cute and started. Just some plushies, a blanket, and a bow lumbar rest and head rest. He said it was too much and overwhelming and okay thats fine i respected that but it still hurt and i removed my decor. He asked me why i took all of it away even though he was okay with some and he asked me why not compromise. I told him that his disapproval of it makes me uncomfortable seeing the items so its okay it i just got rid of the decor. But i cried about it because i was so excited for it and it made me realize how many “boundaries” or things i have to diminish myself for. Like right now his car was given to him from his mom and he said it just felt weird since he used to ride in this car as a kid and i was like ok thats fine i dont have to have any decor in him. Then he said he didnt know if he wanted his car to look more so like mine than his. I asked him why he didnt put any decorations in it and he said he didnt know it just didnt feel like his car or that he didnt get around to it. And i respected that. But it also made me realize how many uncomfortable situations i had to sit through. Like when he was sick i gave him medicine and checked in on him and stuff but when i was sick for spring break i was really upset because i had a week planned out and he did check on me but would say things like “oh ill get you soup” then never did, or would face time me while he was with his friends and be like “you would like this its so cute do you want me to get it. “
I would say “if you want to. “ then he even said he was going to ask for my size and go get it and never ended up getting it. Or one time for Christmas i told him about this one bag and he said he was going to buy it and almost did but because i said it was something i wanted he didnt get it which confused me. In the future he noticed i never bought the bag for myself then he said that i said i dont like when people buy me things im going to get for myself. I NEVER. Said that. He said that and i told him that. I explained to him why would i deny someone getting me something that i WANT. Thats the whole point of lists, etc. I even explained that whatever my family didnt get on my list i went back and bought for myself. But he didnt get me that bag and it was annoying bc he kept asking me what i wanted and when i listed items i guess his idea was to not get my anything i listed and get me something better but he didnt get my something better… he got me like $50 worth of gift which is fine but it was like… trinket stuff. Like a bow keyboard cap, a photo card, and bow earrings which i bought in another color for $12. I spent over $500 for him and focused on things he genuinely liked such has pokemon cards, his perfume, etc. then he tried to make it up for me valentines at got me a matcha basket, something ive been asking for and then right after that he tells me we have been spending too much money for gifts. Like what!! You get me one nice gift and now we’re spending too much money. And our gift giving is just for holidays and now it makes my gift seem ungenuine. I get my gifts bc i know they would like it, but for him it seems to be a cost thing. Like he knew i would like what he saw at the mall but refused to get it. Even times i always surprise him with coffee or snacks but he never ever surprises me with anything. He does get my flowers but now those seem ungeninue. Recently he got me followers and they just screamed “here, damn.” Like no flowers i like, i tell him i love orchids and to just get me those as they are the same price… but still no. I even went out and just made my own orchid bouquet because ive been wanting one since forever. You can really tell a difference between the amount of love i put into my bouquet and then just the flowers he got me on his break… and i know they have better flowers in store but he got me this neon yellow astorias and red ones. That was all in the boquet. I threw them away because it felt so forced and unloved. I even told him i wanted pink flowers…. I gave him the boquet paper. He’s seen the flowers i make for his mom and ive never even received similar from him. And on top of that i have ti deal with his family being slightly racist then he wants me to help him cope woth that. What do you mean you want me to help you cope with your family being racist towards me!!! What!! Stand up to them. We cant even move in together because of them, because hes so set on doing what they say and trying to make both parties happy. But i feel as if he can be doing extra to make me happy outside of that. Like maybe listeningto what flowers i want. Getting me gifts i actually ask for, etc. i remember i even asked him to text me more and hes like okay and never does it and this has been a problem for a while where he goes like 24 hrs without speaking to me. We work together so i see him but then hes ghost on his days off. He said he’d even send good morning texts. He does it for two days max and then nothing but when he asks me to change something i do. Like i used to just ignore him when im upset and now i talk it out with him even if it means ill cry. Then for our dates… which we rarely have we end up splitting in some way which is fine but its bothersone seeing other girls never have to pay for dates or have men who genuinely want to pay. Like we will have a date maybe 1 or 2 times a month. If we go to maybe 2 or 3 places in one day im expected to pay for one or i at least offer to be generous. Sometimes he will even ask me to split but heres the gag, he doesnt pay any rent, or bills and lives at home w his parents and makes 3.5 monthly just about! I pay rent and all my bills and his cat is living with me so its frustrating to see that he cant do anything! He cant either one pay for our dates, or two get me things that j get for him. And i feel like im not even asking for both, but at least one would be nice to counteract his parents behavior or the emotions i feel from it. Even from him not holding up his part and not ghosting me like he says he wouldnt. But i ended up blocking him and disabling my notifications bc i dont want to contact him at all right now. And i feel like bc im off for the next 3 days and dont have to see him, he can stay blocked. I dont even know what im going to tell him because this is a lot
ADDON – Also another detail is that he thinks its okay to let his family control his like just because “they’re asian.” Or “thats how asian families are.” But they control him in so many ways even to making him possibly quit his job or them being okay him him moving him with his friends but not okay with him moving in with me. And maybe that influences some of his decision making but even so we cant even have sleep overs for too long without them wanting him to come home just because they want his presence in the house. They dont even need him for anything.
But also note that he is buying a house now so he cant rent, so mentioned that because i know his excuse will be exactly that. Keep in mind we planned to move in together in November when he wasnt buying a house so things were different then
ADDON – Oh and then when i get him thoughtful gifts for his family. Sometimes hes like oh that will be too much or thats doing to much. Like for valentines day i wanted to get his sister a gift and he was like oh no thats too much. And i was excited bc his sister is reslly sweet. I still got her a gift which was flowers and his mom loved it for her
ADDON – Even if this is a hard thing for him to change bc i know his parents weight heavily on his emotions too bc they were kind of abusive, let him know that he can be more engaged or supporting outside of that such as loving me similarly to how i love him. Rather than me dealing with his family but now also having to pile on everything else.
ADDON – You know whats even crazier. I like the point where you mention “what if i mess up again.” (Ai suggested this perspective) Because he did mention before that he used to love planning cheesy picnic dates, etc, and even got upset when his ex was the one not communicating or texting him enough. And maybe we just dont have the time because we work everyday day of the week except Tuesday and thursday but we have class those days so maybe its stress or overwhelming
TL;DR: I’ve been feeling emotionally drained in my relationship. I put in a lot of effort by planning thoughtful gifts, expressing love in small ways, supporting my boyfriend through tough moments, and trying to build a real future together. But I keep feeling like I have to shrink myself. He dismisses or downplays my efforts, does not follow through on things he says, and lets his family’s bias affect our relationship. For example, they are okay with him living with a friend but not with me. I know he is dealing with pressure from his family and a stressful schedule, but I just want him to be more emotionally present, thoughtful, and supportive in the ways I try to be for him. I am taking space now and working on setting healthy boundaries before I decide how to move forward.