My boyfriend (24) and I (24) have been together for 3 years, and we’ve struggled with our sex life since the beginning.
I was his first sexual partner, while I had more experience. At the start, he couldn’t stay hard, and only about 1 in 5 attempts at sex actually worked. When we did have sex, he would finish very quickly.
In our second year, things improved a little. We lived separately and were in a medium-distance relationship, seeing each other maybe 2–4 times a month. When we did see each other for weekends, we’d sometimes have sex once or twice a month. It wasn’t the amount I wanted, but it was okay co spidering we’re both busy with work and school .
In our third year, we started having more open conversations about sex. He started therapy, which gave him some confidence. There were times when our sex life felt great — sex a few times a week — but it was never consistent. We’d have a good run for a couple of weeks, then go a whole month with nothing. I’d bring it up, and he’d say he’d try, and then the cycle would repeat.
This year we moved in together. I started birth control (the pill), and our sex life picked up. I figured the condom had been part of the problem, since he stayed harder longer. He still finished quickly, but would keep going, which helped me feel more satisfied.
However, the pill made my periods last up to two weeks, so I didn’t notice at first how little sex we were having again. I recently switched to an IUD in May, hoping things would get better. But honestly, we’re still barely having sex. I had hoped that living together would mean sex at least 3x a week, but it’s nowhere near that. I let it slide for a bit because I was in school, but now I’ve graduated and the frustration is hitting me hard.
We’re both home often (about 4 days a week), and I initiate sex constantly — kissing him, stroking him, getting on top — but lately, he tells me to stop or says he’s not in the mood. It hurts. I’ve gained some weight from birth control, and I’m feeling insecure, like he’s not attracted to me anymore. It feels like we only have sex when he wants it.
Last week I initiated, and he turned me down again. I was upset the entire night. The next day we went on a walk, and while he was talking, I realized I just felt resentment. He brought up seeing a therapist again because of small arguments we’ve had, but honestly, I think I’m just sexually frustrated — everything is starting to get under my skin.
Last night, I initiated again. He got hard while I was stroking him, I got on top, and he seemed into it at first — smacking my ass, kissing me — but then I noticed his energy changed. I asked if he wanted me to stop. He said “no,” but it was obvious he wasn’t into it, so I stopped anyway and went to the living room.
He followed and asked if I was okay. I said no. Back in bed, I finally broke down and told him I hate our sex life. That I love having sex with him, but we never do, and that I feel rejected and hurt. That it’s not okay for it to only happen on his terms.
He curled up and admitted again that he struggles with performance anxiety — something we’ve talked about before — but I’m frustrated because I still don’t fully understand it. Especially since day to day, he’s always smacking my ass, kissing my neck, grabbing my breasts, saying sexual stuff — but when I say, “Okay, let’s do it,” he freezes up or says he doesn’t want to.
I’m not looking to break up. I really love him, and when we do have sex, it’s amazing — passionate, connected, and fulfilling. Just a month ago, I was getting railed and twisted into positions, and now it’s nothing.
He’s planning to see another therapist soon to work on his confidence again. He’s talked about introducing toys, which I’m open to, but I personally need penetration and the intimacy of hearing and feeling my partner during sex — toys or oral just don’t give me the same connection.
He plays a lot of video games and is super good with his hands so he’s always preoccupied, but doesn’t put that same effort into our sex life unless I bring it up. And I’m tired of having to bring it up every single time just to get a little progress.
I’m asking for advice on how to improve our situation — how do I support him without sacrificing my own needs? How do we build consistency in our sex life without me having to beg for it?
TL;DR