For some context, I was raised by a single mom until I was 14 and the court forced me to move in with my father (I only saw him one time at that point). I was so optimistic and daydreamed my whole life about how great he would be… well when I met him in person, I realized he was kind of an a**hole. He’s the typical macho/short man syndrome/man of the house type. The rest of my high school experience was trying to appease him (walked on eggshells all of the time) because I realized that if I expressed any opinion that he didn’t like he would yell and scream in my face. As soon as I graduated high school I joined the Army to start a life for myself without needing much family support because I didn’t feel like anyone really had my back, like it was all fake and for show and not genuine. During this time I was stationed in Texas and my dad, nor my stepmom ever visited me the whole 3 and a 1/2 years I was there. They barely called, barely texted and I realized that they are just not the affectionate type period, even virtually. I was always the one flying home, and they never had anything planned for me being home. It was just another day filled with errands and sitting on the couch.
I met the love of my life while stationed in Texas and everything was going good for me. I was coming into my own and realizing that I don’t need to be silent and agreeable to be liked. In the middle of going to California for training, I found out that my dad and stepmom were getting a divorce because she cheated on him with a guy that worked with both of them. I went into the box immediately after and was not able to be on my phone or up-to-date for 2 weeks. When I got back to Texas my dad would text or call me every day for weeks, and at first it was strange but I liked that he actually wanted to talk to me. Then they got back together and he stopped all communication immediately, and it was back to my stepmom being the one to get updates about my life and relaying the information to him. At this point I realized that he just text me when he wants to feel important to someone and for someone to pay attention to him.
My boyfriend and I decided to get married with only a couple of friends and have a huge wedding later with family. I did not tell my dad because he’s really judgmental and him and my stepmom were just getting back together. I felt like I didn’t really care for his opinion and that he would talk bad about me behind my back to other family members about getting married so young (he did this when my other sister got married to a marine, and he talks crap about pretty much all of my family members… of course not to their face though). Fast forward a year later, I get out of the military and me and my husband sit my dad and stepmom down in a restaurant and tell them we’re actually married. They didn’t react negatively at all which surprised me. We went back to my apartment after and they didn’t mention anything about our marriage. A year goes by after that of family events and holidays and my dad acted like he liked my husband. Come to found out he talked crap about my husband to my sister when we weren’t around.
Well now my stepmom and dad cut my sister off because my stepmom knows that my sister doesn’t like for dad to meet her boyfriends until my stepmom does and puts in a positive word in first. Two months later my sister ends up getting engaged to this guy and since she is not communicating with my stepmom or dad, my dad accused me of keeping things from him because I didn’t let them know that she got engaged. He then threw my marriage in my face saying that my husband should have asked for his permission. That we are disrespectful. That he’s going to move and save for retirement and that he wanted me to have a good life and never speak to me again. And he also texted my birth mom (who is homeless and has schizophrenia) about how I am disrespectful and that he cut me off. My mom still sees me as a 14 year old (the last time I saw her too) and always keeps telling me to spend time with my father. He knew how much him telling my mom all those things would hurt her, because she is barely in this reality to begin with.
Am I in the wrong for accepting being cut off and not really seeing a need to repair it? I am so sick of people disappointing me and trying to manipulate their way into my life. Just need some reassurance because everyone always says that they regret not repairing relationships, that they shouldn’t have wasted this time earthside fighting. My dad is definitely the prideful type, so I know he will never apologize. Help me come to terms that feeling relief after being cut off from a parent isn’t wrong.
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Holy crap, if I had a father and stepmother like this, I’d have cut them off all on my own! Not trying to say “you should have done that”, or that you should have done anything differently, just trying to give you some perspective and say that if they’re doing you the favor of getting themselves out of your life, without you having to go to the effort of being the one who says “go away”? Heck, take that for the gift it is!
Let’s be really clear here: he was emotionally abusing you the whole time you were living with him. That’s the word for “yells and screams in your face if you express any opinion he doesn’t like”. You’re under no obligation to keep him in your life, and I’m confident your life will be much better without him.
If you need more assurance that leaving family behind and living your best life with the people who actually do love, accept, and support you is a good and worthwhile thing to do, I think r/JUSTNOFAMILY can provide loads of good examples.
Don’t play their game. Stay strong. Live well, and be happy!
Sometimes we just need to take a step back from a family that is toxic. You are not wrong for wanting to sever contact with people who are like this. We all wish that we were raised by warm, loving, affectionate, parents. But sometimes we just don’t get dealt that lucky hand. It appears, that despite the way you grew up, you have found a way forward that brings you some stability that your childhood lacked. Don’t ever feel regret for setting boundaries or walking away from the chaos that is your parents. We’re not all cut out to live in constant emotional turmoil. Also, it’s not good for your health in the long run. Turn all your energy towards the good things that are in your life.
>Am I in the wrong for accepting being cut off and not really seeing a need to repair it? …. everyone always says that they regret not repairing relationships, that they shouldn’t have wasted this time earthside fighting.
That’s just it – by accepting the cut, you’re no longer wasting time fighting. It doesn’t sound like he built much to repair in the first place, so there’s really only so much you can do, everything else is just screaming at the sky for rain.
Oh honey. I’m sorry this happened to you. Go and don’t look back.
I am all for always doing everything that you can to repair relationships … just because. It’s human. It’s compassionate.
Having said that, an important phrase is “that you can”. I’ve had to learn that some relationships are not fixable, as in your case, where there’s little to fix. Even if it used to be super good, you can’t fix the other person. I would say, Don’t cheat your husband out of having all of you. If you kept trying to adapt to some toxic relationships, he’d never have a whole wife.
Your dad is a toxic male. May you find joy and all good things with him out of your life. Go no contact. It feels great.
The only family that really matters is the one you build for yourself. A few people are fortunate to have an awesome birth family, most have an ok birth family, and you got stuck with the dregs.
Feel free to ditch them to live your life on your terms, with the family you have created with your husband.