So, I(34f) have a younger family member, (24f) who I have assumed a lot of responsibility for over the last decade. She comes from a good home on her dad’s side, but I’m related on the other side through her mom who is not a good person. So when she was a kid, she would essentially get left with me and often. And it was not always the best, but I dealt with it and formed a maternal sort of relationship with her and that was that. We had a falling out a few years ago when she was about 17 and we didn’t speak for a few years but reconnected when she was 19.
So, aside from the age gap which is a lot sometimes, she is also very different than me. I am content alone and happy in my introvert space at home. She is extroverted, always finds herself in crisis and can just be a lot of drama. Recently she has gotten into a relationship with someone who sort of amplifies all her qualities I don’t care for. They fight constantly, she lets him dictate everything she does and she even does that to a point that it’s decided what she and I were both doing, because we were together and out and he told her to go home and we’d ridden together so it made it so I had gotten ready for nothing and had no say, it was a whole thing. This is just to sort of establish a pattern of behavior is why I mention it at all.
So, he also controls who she is allowed to spend time with so there’s an expectation of me being around if she is going to be around anyone who isn’t a female or not straight because he’s a long distance relationship. I disagree with all of this, and more. They also when they are together, they go through each other’s phones regularly which I guess if it works for them that’s fine. I think it’s weird, but whatever it’s not my relationship.
Now, for the issues that bother me the most: She has started going through my phone without permission, reading my texts with my friends and tells me it’s okay that I vent about her relationship because of the stuff I’ve mentioned above that I just have to put up with. She also doesn’t have a job, and whenever we do go do something we take my car. She uses my money for coffees or food or whatever when we go out and has gotten to a point where she doesn’t even really ask. And I know she doesn’t have many other people in life and puts a lot of her mental well being on me but it’s starting to weigh on me and I have more than one person in my life telling me she is just a manipulative person and I’m starting to see it I think.
I know this message might need some clarifying on points, I’m processing everything all at once and that’s really hard when I’ve had such a weirdly close relationship with her for so long. And I am torn, I really don’t know what I need to do.
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**TL;DR;** : I think I'm being taken advantage of by someone who I've been close with for a long time, and I'm struggling on what to do
Comments
You need to start putting up boundaries with her. Change your phone passcode for a start. If she asks you to chaperone her spending time with somebody so her bf doesn’t get jealous, tell her you’re not interested in doing that anymore, and reiterate that the next time she asks you to do it. You are just enabling her bad relationship. If she cancels on you because bf said she had to go home, then don’t hang out with her next time and tell her that incident left a bad taste in your mouth. She needs consequences for not respecting your time. Next time she tries to make plans with you, let her know that money’s a little tight so you want her to pay her own way more often from now on. I’m sure she will complain about her own lack of funds, but I would just commiserate about how being an adult is tricky and she will have to step up the job search.
I am sure you putting up these boundaries will be met with resistance, but that’s fine. She is taking advantage of you, so the status quo needs to change, and if her being close to you is dependent on her taking advantage of you, that’s not a relationship that you need to have in your life (or at least it doesn’t need to be as close).
Why on earth does she have access to your phone? Revoke that.
Spend less time with her. Remind yourself, you’re for all intents and purposes her older kin, you’re NOT her bestie, or her therapist, or whatever. Let that guide your actions. You can “be there” for her without being this involved in each other’s lives.