Location: London UK
I’ve never posted on Reddit before so please bare with me. It has a long complicated back story, so I hope this is ok.
I (31f) have a 12 year old daughter with my ex partner (33m). Obviously we were very young. We separated when she was 2. I raised her as primary parent until she was 5. At that time he had a new partner and a baby on the way. As she was starting school, I was looking into university/ careers. He has never held a job long term (one of the reasons we separated was our different goals in life) so we decided he would take over as primary carer while I take holidays and I pay maintenance, for her extra expenses, glasses, school trips, now she’s older allowance etc.
He was honestly great with her and she’s a total Daddy’s girl. I moved a couple hours away eventually and have a stable career, but I always picked her up and dropped her off, arranged her travel etc. It’s unusual but it worked for us with him in the child care role and me providing.
He separated from his partner a few years ago. Him and his ex had a contentious split but I didn’t know the details. I found out eventually that she stopped contact between him and her child, and took him to court for a restraining order and won, claiming he was verbally abusive. Huge red flag for me, so I spoke with her school and he provided me details of the case, the documentation and we talked through it. Our daughter was sad about not seeing her sister but quite happy about it being her and Dad again.
Last Christmas, he was made homeless as his landlord was selling (no fault of his own). The school phoned me a few weeks later to say they had a police report that he had been pulled over and found with cannabis whilst our daughter was in the car. He was also without license and insurance. Our daughter came to stay with me at that time and I homeschooled as I was so concerned. He became increasingly aggressive towards me, name calling, etc as he felt this decision meant he was a bad parent. He would not take any of my concerns seriously, whereas previously we had always discussed things, he refused to acknowledge any wrong doing. After a month, we discussed her living me with whilst he sorted his life out basically, which he was adamantly against. Eventually he was just given probation and was given another family support worker as well as the school providing family liaison. He went to meetings and did the work, as well as apologising for his behaviour. With this in place, my daughter begged to go home to her friends and school, and was struggling, so we decided she would go back, with increased check ins and I would have more contact with him and the school. I realise now this was a mistake.
In the last few months, my daughter has changed her tune on him. She once adored him, now she finally admitted that since Christmas, she can’t talk to him he shouts and calls her vile names when he loses his temper. Eventually it came out last week that she was self harming (not due to her dad exactly but she felt sad all the time). She begged me not to tell him as she was scared, so I contacted the school councillor to call him to avoid the high emotion conflict. We’ve also found her a private therapist to work with.
Today my daughter messaged me saying they had a trip tomorrow and although I sent the money to her Dad last week, he hadn’t paid it to the school and she was missing the equipment. I messaged him to ask if it was booked and I’d send her equipment same day delivery but can he let me know sooner if she was missing something next time. He blew up saying I kept secrets from him, and calling me names etc. Erratic and out of no where. I called my daughter and heard her crying, he was yelling at her in the background that if he was so bad she had to live with me. He told her to pack her **** and called her expletives, and that we’re all awful to him.
I immediately got a family member close by to pick her up and she’s safe. But he changed his mind now and is claiming I’m stealing her.
How do I go about this? I genuinely think he is in a mental health crisis and needs serious help, as he’s clearly deteriorating but given the previous court experience with his ex maybe it’s just been well hidden. I don’t know who this person is who is behaving like this.
But I need to prioritise my daughter and have her safe with me. She’s hysterical as she doesn’t want to leave her friends or her boyfriend (which I know as a parent sounds ridiculous but I’m terrified of her mental health worsening). But she doesn’t want to be with him. He’s threatening to post things on Facebook, which I don’t use but obviously being 12 she is terrified of what people will think and who will see and he is sending me threatening and harassing messages.
We never went to court initially about her living arrangements or child maintenance as we agreed everything together and genuinely always put her above any disagreements.
Any advice would be appreciated, my daughter is safe but taking the right legal steps now to protect her is my priority, and I would like to see if I can get him help.
I never imagined we would be in this position and I don’t know where to start.
Comments
You’ll want r/legaladviceUK