Husband and I grew up in abusive households.
My mom visited a couple of weeks ago. Our baby is 9 months old. Mom was love bombing baby and it made baby really uncomfortable :
– kissing baby’s feet and body
– shaking toys in front of baby , aggressively playing
– clapping in front of baby’s face even she’s crying
Baby would cry when she’s in her arms or would come nearby. Mom started calling baby names and saying manipulative things like “you don’t love me, I’m gonna leave” etc. I could see on my baby’s face she’s uncomfortable. My husband asked me to speak to my mom. I told her that baby has stranger danger and that she needs to stop trying so hard and being overstimulating. She started crying saying I need to push baby away even baby wants me and that I’m encouraging baby’s clingyliness. I let her know it’s a developmental thing right now.
Baby was rushed to ER due to seizure, after a day baby was on the mend but my mom started with projects and guilting me for not sending thank you notes for gifts. I told her I’m barely sleeping – baby only wants to sleep on me. On a phone call in front of me Mom said to her friend “I’m sad baby doesn’t go to me”.
Parents, how do you set your parents/inlaws up for success for visits? I am concerned about baby being a thing like a doll and not a person with preferences. Mom has hinted to husband and I to drop baby off for summer visits (we live plane ride away) and leave baby there. I am tired, I grew up with boundaries not existing for me and I dread Christmas already.
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Your motherâs behaviour towards your child is already abusive. If I were you Iâd get into therapy to work through the damage she has caused, so you can confidently set boundaries.
This is definitely a difficult and stressful situation, and Iâm so sorry you and little one are having to deal with this. Also Iâm sending loads of love and positivity to little one after the seizure.
Iâm not a mom (unless you count cats) but Iâm going to let you know something important: you are the mom, you are an adult, and you are allowed to tell your mother âNoâ.
I know, itâs stressful and terrifying to even think about doing that. The first few times I as an adult told my JNM âNoâ, I had horrible panic attacks. But you can and should. Look at little one and think about the ways you want to be a better parent, the ways you want to care for little one the way you should have been cared for.
I may not exactly be old enough to literally be your mom, but Iâm going to be that for you right now: You have permission to tell her âNoâ. And you can and should say no without trying to justify or soft pedal it. You donât have to explain the no. When she tries the guilt trips, ignore it. Donât pay attention to passive aggressive comments or whining.
âYou should leave baby with me for the summer!â âNope, we arenât doing that.â
âYou have to bring baby for all holidays!â âNope, not happening.â
This is your family now. You donât have to capitulate to her. And I promise you that youâre not a horrible person for standing up for yourself and your daughter. â¤ď¸â¤ď¸
My mom grew up in an abusive household with my grandma. When I got older the abuse shifted to me and my mom failed to protect me from my grandma. When Iâd get shipped off to her house every summer it was the most miserable time of my life. When I had my baby I vowed that my grandma would never have the opportunity to be abusive to my daughter. She has never met nor will she ever meet my daughter.
Protect your daughter. There is no need for an abuser to have access to your child no matter the family relationship.
You’re not supposed to “set your parents/inlaws up for success for visits”. You’re supposed to protect your child and keep them safe so they feel secure enough to explore other people at their own pace.
You give your parents/in-laws rules and establish and enforce boundaries.
Rule: Don’t over stimulate the baby by clapping or playing aggressively with toys right in their face or demanding they play the way you want them to play.
Boundary: The baby goes into another room for quiet time with you so the baby can decompress.
Rule: Adults don’t talk AT the baby to make you/your husband feel bad or less than or manipulative to get what they want.
Boundary: When such talk happens, the visit ends immediately. Doesn’t matter if they are staying over for a vacation, they can go find a hotel to stay at.
Rule: No one stays at your home for more than 1-2 hours at a time (whatever works best for you). No one stays overnight.
Boundary: Anyone who stays over the time limit doesn’t get invited back for x amount of time. Anyone who invites themselves to stay, don’t get to visit at all, even if they are in the area.
Don’t get pulled into the “have to have the family Christmas/Holidays” nonsense. You, your husband and your child are your own family now. You can invite people over to celebrate should you want to, and limit the amount of time together to a few hours. The baby doesn’t need to be dragged around like show-and-tell to appease anyone. Treasure the holidays so you have good memories and not regret. Ruin an off day in August or March if you have to see people who don’t respect your boundaries.
Break the cycle.
Okay, hereâs the thing, would your mom be interested in learning / being set up for success? Would she take any advice you give her?
Because the best thing she can do is BACK OFF. Seriously, at this age, cave-babies are mobile and NEED to stay close to mom, itâs an OLD survival tactic! What we did when our familyâs babies were wee was to sit back and interact positively with the parents, until baby saw that they were comfortable with us and then they became comfortable with us. And itâs a long con, it takes a sustained effort to forge a close relationship with little kids.
But it doesnât matter what the best thing is if your mom isnât willing to listen. You can try talking to her, but if she still acts the same, then you need to give her consequences.
Nobody made baby uncomfortable. They donât comprehend feelings like that at that age. You were uncomfortable.Â
Sorry, this is a bit disjointed⌠you grew up in an abusive household, was your mother the abuser or did she stand by and let it happen?
If she knew or did any of the abusing, why are you permitting her to see your baby, let alone trying to set her up for success, or even entertaining the idea of letting her watch your baby alone?
Get some therapy for a non biased view on whatâs happening and resolving some of your issues so that you can be the best parent and protector to your daughter.
Yeah, your mom doesnât seem interested in being set up for success. Set some boundaries/consequences and stick to them. End the visit immediately if theyâre violated.
It really is that simple.
From the outside: I think you’ve been trained to see your mother’s behavior as normal, and it very much is not. Her behavior is INSANE.
Baby is 9 months old and is reacting in an age-appropriate way to a stranger who is startling and scaring them. This kid is not “uncomfortable,” she is FRIGHTENED. Your mom’s solution is verbally abusing and harassing her 9 month old granddaughter because she isn’t getting what she wants from her interactions with the baby. Your mother believes that what she wants takes precedence over literally everything, including your bond with your own child. Stop for a minute and recognize that your mother is demanding you *physically reject* your daughter when she is scared and upset and looking for comfort, in an attempt to FORCE the baby to see your mom as a possible source of comfort. She is telling you that a 9mo baby is too “clingy” because your daughter feels safe with you, so her solution is to make is so that your baby no longer feels safe. Both you and your daughter will be damaged by it, but your mom clearly doesn’t care. Her priority is her own feelings, and she’s clearly willing to ignore you and your daughter’s emotional needs to get what she wants.
Listen: your mother is a grown ass woman. Her emotions are her problem, not yours. Her expectation for how the baby should behave, also her problem and not yours. Her demands for you to do certain things that would actively hurt your own child so that she gets what she wants? That’s your problem.
Your job is to protect your child, not make your mom happy. You do not need to set your mother up for “success” because her relationship with your daughter isn’t your job. If you aren’t seeing a therapist, please talk to one. You’ve clearly grown up in an environment that centers other people’s feelings above your needs, and your first instinct with this situation is to take it upon yourself to get your mother what she wants. Push back against your impulse to center Mom. Your daughter needs you more.
First of all, decide right now that you’re spending Christmas only with your own little family (you, baby, husband) so you can start looking forward to baby’s first Christmas instead of dreading how your mom will abuse your baby.
Secondly, stop visits with your mom until she can behave appropriately, which might be never. That’s her choice. You are the only one your baby has to protect them, your job is to make sure your baby is safe with you. Never sacrifice that for someone else’s feelings or wants. All the examples you listed are unacceptable behaviors. I don’t think your mom will change but if she really wants to she could take a parenting class maybe to learn how to appropriately interact with a baby? Then you could try a visit after that and see if she understood. It’s not your job to try to educate your mom how to not be selfish, manipulative and disruptive to a baby. If she wants success, she needs to set herself up for it.
“How to set them up for success?”
You shouldn’t have to.
My mom isn’t perfect but if I ask her to do or not do something she generally listens, even if she doesn’t agree. And she certainly doesn’t cry and throw a tantrum. My MIL on the other hand has a lot of crossover with your mom and the only reason we still have a relationship with her is because we’ve worked to establish and enforce boundaries, limited contact, and ignore any guilt tripping or manipulative behavior. I no longer feel guilty that she gets to see my children less than my mom and doesn’t get to babysit because that’s the grave she dug for herself.
you don’t have to have visits. you are free to cut her off. you don’t go there for Christmas and she doesn’t get to bombard yours.
stop the cycle of her abuse.
i urge you to get yourself in to therapy and learn how to be firm in your decision to tell her NO
You don’t have to go there for Christmas. It’s OK to say no.
Good news about Christmas is that now that you have a baby, there is no better time to start your own family traditions at your house. Besides, December is awful for RSV and other illnesses that are dangerous for babies
How your mother feels about that is irrelevant. I know she blames her emotions on you, but they are NOT your responsibility anymore than your emotions are her responsibility. Does she ever accept that she’s the bad guy and apologize when her behavior upsets you? Or when it makes your LO cry? No? But she still expects you all to grovel when she’s upset?
Huh. Guess maybe it only goes one way with her
If setting and enforcing boundaries is a struggle for you, there is an excellent resource list in this sub with all sorts of books and websites to educate yourself. There is also therapy if you can access it and find the time. Look for someone who has experience with enmeshment and setting boundaries
Also, there is nothing wrong with just blowing her off until you absolutely have to address it. Sometimes it’s better to keep up a ruse and not have to deal with months and months of constant attacks and manipulation. I often used that with my own toxic mother. I would be vague about my plans until the last minute. Then tell them I’m not coming. There is no shame in protecting your family’s peace
Setting boundaries is crucial. Your baby’s comfort should always come first, not your mom’s feelings.
Man, that’s rough. Good on u for spotting the toxic behavior tho. Be straight up with ur mom – it’s ur kid, set boundaries. If she ain’t listnin’, maybe reduce the visits? And defo no summer visits yet. Kid’s comfort > hurt feels. Baby ain’t a band-aid for her issues. Hang in there, it gets easier.
Do not expose your children to known abusers. Both of your families are known abusers.
Sounds like your mom’s trying to recreate her own childhood trauma with your kid. You told her to chill with the overstimulation, and she guilt-tripped you. Set those boundaries, firmly. No summer drop-offs, no Christmas visits if that’s what she’ll be like. Your kid’s comfort > her ego.
Your babyâs comfort and safety come first. Itâs okay to set firm boundaries with your mom, she needs to respect your babyâs cues and your parenting. Make clear that overstimulation and guilt trips arenât acceptable. If she canât respect that, limit visits or supervise closely. Protect your baby and your peace.
If sheâs abusive, you donât have visits.
First, new baby, new family, new Christmas traditions. You’ll have your first Christmas as a family of 3 at home. (Alone or with others who want to visit, your decision, but you won’t go anywhere.)Â
If you go, that’s the blueprint for every other year, so don’t.Â
Second, my ILs are also a day drive away. We do looots of activities in our area. Zoo, little hike, indoor playground, aquarium… The kids’ focus is shifted onto the attraction, so MIL doesn’t have a big chance to overstimulate LO. That’s the best solution we could come up with so far.Â
There is one issue I don’t have a solution for: LOs needs come first. Â That’s our golden rule. No matter what we said, tried or did, MIL still prioritizes her wants over LOs well being. We can’t chance her, we just can modify the setting in which she’s meeting LO and step in if LO is not comfy.Â
This does not end when stranger danger is over. My oldest is 7, she still pushes him into meltdowns.Â