Sorry this is going to be long!
I’ve been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. He’s 46 and I’m 24. I live with him and his parents. His mother is 85 and his father is 79.
When I met him, I had just finished a masters degree and was looking for a job, which I hoped to do alongside writing a book. A year and a half later, I still don’t have a job and my book has been rejected by every agent I’ve sent it to. So, he began supporting me financially, which took away many of my stresses. My parents have hardly any money and can’t support me financially at all, so in a way, he’s saved me. I moved in with him and his family and at first, it was ideal. They were kind and supportive too and there was lots of fun to be had in engaging with the lifestyle that they led. Trips away, dinners out, events, shows, etc etc.
A few months into the relationship, I started to observe things about my boyfriend that I didn’t like. He can be snappy, rude, aggressive and controlling. He doesn’t drink and would become angry at me if I went on nights out with my friends, shaming me for coming home drunk. He constantly tells me off and makes me feel like his child, as opposed to his girlfriend. It’s like whatever he says goes and I’m supposed to obey him like a dog. Especially when we are around his mother, he is very over the top about how I can behave around her. He’s called me out before about “not paying attention” when she’s speaking and kicked me under the table if he thinks I don’t look fully engaged with whatever she’s saying. I feel as if he’s a parent to me and it’s made me disconnect from him sexually and emotionally.
After I came to this realisation, I began to resent the living situation too. Endless meals with his family every day, sat at the dinner table talking about the same things and having to uphold this poised and polite demeanour at all times has become exhausting. I feel like I’m constantly being judged and that I can’t ever just live here as if it’s my own house, which I know is expected when it’s somebody else’s, but even so. I always thought that living with a boyfriend would feel a lot more comfortable. Everything is done according to his mothers timetable and he bends over backwards to please her constantly, which I also find slightly off putting. It feels like a huge ask if he tries to suggest that him and I do our own thing instead of engaging with her for dinner plans and I hate it. It’s like I’m in a relationship with him and his parents, which would be fine if he was my age and we were both living at home in order to save money, but as he’s older, it just feels wrong.
This September, they’ve planned a trip away for 17 days and I just don’t know if I can take it anymore. The thought of sitting with them for meals 3 times a day, having the same inane conversations and fake laughing at stuff is just so painful to me. The trip also clashes with my birthday and it makes me sad that I won’t be able to spend it with my own family or friends. Any time I bring up concerns like this, I get called ungrateful by him, so I’ve just learnt to stop talking to him about how I’m feeling. Which is probably better.
I feel like I’ve checked out mentally. I’m not attracted to him anymore and I feel unhappy in the situation that I’m in. But right now, I don’t see a way out. I feel like no matter how hard I try, I keep getting rejected by jobs and agents and I’m starting to feel so depressed by it all. I feel like I’m under someone else’s control all the time and I don’t want to be, but the only alternative is moving back in with my parents who are broke and live in a house in the middle of nowhere that would make it impossible to get anywhere or do anything.
TL; DR Basically, I don’t want to be in this situation anymore. But I don’t know how to get out of it. I am stuck and unhappy and I feel lost.
Comments
Sorry OP. You have to save some money. Enough to start a new life away from him. Get a job. Or study something else. You need to live a life that’s yours. I understand living with him and his family makes you feel caged. Not judging you. You had to do what you had to do. The age gap is a red flag too. Did you ever talk to him about getting your own place/apartment?
Firstly find a job you can get into so your time within this domestic situation is limited
You can then reevaluate your life situation and whether the situation with your BF is improved
Money gives you more options as well
You are not stuck. Even if it might feel like it – especially with the psychological toll of living with somebody who is very controlling and condescending who is also providing for you financially – there is always a way out.
It sounds like you have good friends – can you stay with one of them temporarily while you find a job? I know it might not be ideal to do something in customer service if you’re looking for a job specifically related to your Master’s but it would be temporary and would be a way out. I quit my more “professional” job last year and am currently working at a bakery and am so much happier. I can almost guarantee you will be happier and hopeful again knowing you are doing what feels right for yourself to get yourself out of a situation where you don’t feel like you have control.
People like your boyfriend can suck the hope and sense of agency right out of you. You do not need to live like this and you should NOT be with someone who makes you feel this way. I’m sure your friends would agree and support you how they can. You are not stuck, it just might be a challenging fight for a few months while you work to get yourself out of it. But trust me it will be SO worth it when you look back and feel proud about what you did for yourself and the relationships that you choose not to tolerate.
Get a job. Any job. Immediately. Support yourself and get out of there ASAP.
Honestly try you’re best to save some money to get your own place maybe if you have a friend or family member you can move in with? Also him being way older than you makes a lot of sense on why he acts that way you’re still young don’t stay if you’re unhappy! But hope you can find someone that you can stay with or possibly find a roommate
Biggest mistake new grads make is waiting for a job to workout in their field. If you need money, work anywhere. Do what you gotta do until you land the position you’re looking for. Once you are making money, leave. You’re so young and not stuck. The fact that he kicks you under the table is a red flag, amongst other red flags, which means you should also be discreet. Plan your way out discreetly and then leave.